Breaking The Silence, Wake up

Fear

” The fears we don’t face become our limits.” Throughout life I have had many things which have motivated me to move forward. On the other hand I have had so many things to hold me back.  Fear being one of them, I have for the most part always remained in my comfort zone because I feared veering out  doing something different. To this day I still have many fears most of which I have planned to tackle head on.  I have always feared losing myself , feared failing, feared  having children, and  Presently, I have been afraid to post my video telling my story.

” When you lose touch with  yourself, you lose yourself in the world.”  Losing myself could mean so many things for me.  Growing up I feared I would lose myself and I’d go on to become like the men who hurt me and eventually I’d go on to ruin someone else’s life.  For so long I feared turning this way because many victims do turn into predators as well but I made a promise to myself  early on that I wouldn’t and I didn’t. I feared that I would lose my kind heart and I would become this evil person always wishing bad upon everyone, being rude but I haven’t. I feared I would turn into a delinquent, tarnishing my character, name and hurting any future chances for me to succeed, but I never took that path instead I just bottled everything up. I feared losing myself because I had seen so many people like me do so. I seen so many people lose themselves while trying to deal with something that was bigger than them. But, I kept word to myself that I would always find a better outlet for myself and I have always kept word to myself because I want to be somebody, and want to remain true to myself in the process.

“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough” Becoming stuck like most of the people in my city tend to do has always been a fear of mine. I don’t want to get stuck working a job that I don’t like living in a city that I don’t want to be in. Most people I come across are always tired and unhappy. I don’t want to end up that way. I don’t want to give up on my dreams and not accomplish anything I set out to do. To me that would be failing. When it is time for me to pass away I don’t want regrets, I want to say I was glad I went ahead and did that or I knew I could do it and I’d do it all over again. Life is what you make of it and I want to live my life in a way that I can be proud of.

” Let us Sacrifice today so that our children can have a better tomorrow”. The fear of having children has always scared me. As a child my innocence was stripped away from me more than once and I still pay for the consequences of their actions to this day. I don’t want children to ever have to experience the things that I went through. Of course no parent does but I know that I won’t always be around them at every moment and I won’t be able to shield them from the people or the  troubles of the world. My greatest fear is that my future child or children comes to me telling me that someone touched them inappropriately or did anything to make them feel that trust was broken. Family, friends and strangers are all suspects when it comes to this to me. You never know who’s the bad guy until it’s too late. For that I fear having children. I want to have children and one day hope that I will but the thought of what if will always haunt me. As a precaution I have decided that I will educate my children as much as I can and hope that the people around them make the right choices.

I have decided to post my #MeToo video telling my story. on April 30th of 2018. I chose this date because for so long I have been going back and forth on whether I should or shouldn’t and decided I wont let myself down its time to tell my story. I also picked this day because April is sexual assault awareness month, the 30th is the last day  of the month and by  that time I will have everything in order so that I could do this in a manner that I want. I’m scared to post this video because it would mean me becoming vulnerable allowing everyone from family and friends to strangers into my life. Allowing people to judge my life. Allowing people in. I am also fearful because I do not know how people will react, if they will support me or hate me. I don’t know if this will lead to violence or understanding. The thought of not knowing scares me. I pray that in posting my story even if people disagree they still try to understand.

Fear is often our greatest set back because it hinders us from reaching our full potential. I have accepted my fears and am now working on ways to over come them as a whole. Fear was once my enabler now it is my motivator because if I let fear take over me, I allow myself to fail and with all I have been through failure isn’t an option. I have to succeed and be the voice to people like me, I want to be able to say ” I made it, and you can too!” What are some of your fears and how are you working towards overcoming them?

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