Breaking The Silence

Blinding Love

For so long I have been troubled by love. Love is so beautiful yet can also be so hard. I’ve seen from experience and watching others that love can be what brings two people together and also be what tears them apart. When you’re in love you often become blind to the things occurring around you my question is why?

My first time seeing this was just by me watching my mother. My mom is one of those people who fall hard very quickly. Once she’s in love with someone they can do no wrong. My mom has had some good and bad taste in men. My step father being one of the bad. After finding he had cheated on her, threatened to kill us and tried to have sex with me my mother took back her boyfriend at the time.  Eventually they became more than boyfriend and girlfriend as he asked her to marry him and she said yes. At the time she was blinded because she was being loved. Loved by someone she loved and wanted to grow with and because of that she was blind to everything he did. I believe she just didn’t want to accept the things he had done because that would mean losing being loved and her being alone. So there are people who become attached to the thought of someone loving them and block out anything else that doesn’t fit in their perfect bubble. No matter how real it may or may not be some people just want to be loved.

From experience I can say I have been blinded by what I felt was love. My reasoning being slightly different than my mothers though. I have loved only two people who I have dated and only been in love once. The first guy I fell in love with was my best friend and then he became my highschool sweetheart. I was so in love I was blinded by him doing wrong to me. We had physical altercations at one point and we made up and  continued on as if everything was fine. We would argue then he’d come back and apologize and I’d take him back. It had become a revolving circle with us. 4 years revolving and I stuck around. 4 years of happiness, then pain and the cycle would start over again. I loved him because he gave  me my first experience of love and I know no matter how bad of terms we are on I can go to him and he will listen. He’s always been around and been a good a friend no matter what.

The 2nd guy was different from my highschool sweet heart he was older and wiser but it seemed I was more serious than he was about our relationship being something serious. Unlike my highschool sweetheart he did play more mind games. He toyed with my emotions really. Him being someone not drawn by emotions he never really understood how I felt especially when he told me that we would be temporary.  We “dated” for somewhat of a year but it never really went anywhere because we were always on different pages. We both wanted it to work and loved one another but could never get on the same page at the same time. So, I settled for having him as a friend and taking things slowly which seemed to push him in the opposite direction. From there we really just became friends with benefits. Which I learned was a bad idea because he became the guy to unintentionally rape me when I said no to having sex with him. After all the mind games, back and forth and rape I still for some reason loved this person and wanted to be with this man. We had probably been through more in a year’s time than me and my high School sweet heart had in the 4 years we had been together. Crazy thing  is I  will probably always have love for him even with all that we have been through. Whether he feels the same or not, you just cant stop loving someone, because you want to especially when the love is real.

From my personal experience I have learned that I too was blinded by love. Not just because it was someone who was around to love me but because I’m connected to hurt. My life has been nothing but pain so hurt is all that I have gotten to know. It feels great to be loved by someone but when you go through so much together you become blinded by the history and the connection of pain between the two of you. So, my questions are how do you distinguish between real love and what you want to be love? How do you not become so in love with someone that you’re blinded by all the wrong that they do? Is it even possible?

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