Breaking The Silence

Inevitable Relasp

Depression is like a drug that your body and mind have become addicted to but instead of it being some narcotic you become addicted to a feeling. The feeling of pain and sorrow. Well, at least that’s how its been for me. For the most part I manage my life to revolve around my depression. But, other times it’s as if everything is out of my control and depression takes over for a few days or a few weeks, sometimes even months. Depression hits me and it becomes hard to shake, so it sticks around and progresses until I can no longer take it and decide that I want out.

The only issue is trying to break up with depression is it’s almost impossible. There are a couple of ways to deal with depression. The first that is pushed for is medication. There are so many types of medication to choose from, but medication doesn’t always work, especially with someone who hasn’t had any treatment and depression isn’t caught early on. I’ve had depression since I was an adolescent and when I asked for help at the age of 9 I didn’t get it. At the age of 20 is when I began taking pills. I was prescribed Zoloft for my depression and it didn’t work for me. Medication made me less emotional, but didn’t help with the thoughts and feelings. It actually made them get stronger. While on zoloft the feelings and suicidal thoughts I had before hand were more pressing. At one  point I had to talk myself out of driving off a bridge. It was a thought I’d had before but never actually acted on it. It was as if the Medication had given me the courage to do What I could never do before, end my life. I didn’t like that at all, and eventually I stopped taking those pills. For me the medicine didn’t help maybe it was just the brand of pills or the fact that before 20 Id never had any help with my mental illness, either way it wasn’t for me.

Another option which was offered to me was counseling. I was fearful at first, the thought of talking to someone who I don’t even know about my life scared me. I couldn’t talk with anyone else at the time but a boyfriend and he could only help so much, so I agreed to the counseling. My first session at the office was my last at the office. I went in and the lady was really sweet and made me feel comfortable. She just asked me questions about my life and we briefly talked before she told me that she wanted to continue the sessions and keep me on the pills my doctor prescribed. After leaving there I ended up joining a network online were I could video chat with a counselor or write to them and they’d give me advice. All professionals were licensed and I chose who I wanted to speak with. One of the doctors was such a great help to me because it seemed he really listened to me and offered me a new alternative.

The alternative  I have been offered was Emdr therapy. Emdr  ( Eye movement desensitization reprocessing)  is a process that helps people with trauma. Emdr Can be done by yourself or with a professional. I never got to do the Emdr but I think I may still try. I’m unsure how effective it is but it’s worth a shot.

With all the treatments to be offered it seems they are just that a treatment not a complete fix. For me, at least I haven’t found my cure for the sunken place of depression. I wish that I could come across the answer. Until then I guess I’ll be stuck with the  doom days that seem they’ll never end. I’m still searching and willing to try something new especially if it’ll help me.

What treatments have you taken up to help cope with your depression?

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