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Breaking The Silence

#MeToo

The Me Too movement (or “#MeToo“, with local alternatives in other languages) is a movement against sexual harassment and assault. #MeToo spread virally in October 2017 as a hashtag used on social media to help demonstrate the widespread prevalence of sexual assault and harassment, especially in the workplace.” The MeToo movement is a movement that means so much to  me and so many other people because it gives us a chance to connect with other people who understand us as well as allows us to educate those around the world about sexual abuse.

To me the MeToo Movement gave me the courage to talk about my past. I realized that I was not alone, I wasn’t the only girl out there sexually abused. This meant that there was someone out there who could relate to me and understand the things I say and the way that I feel. #MeToo is powerful because it shows the world in numbers that sexual abuse and assault is a major issue.The MeToo movement has received a lot of publicity both good and bad. There are those that disagree with the movement and those that support it. Overall any controversy is good controversy because it stays important and by everyone talking about it, no one forgets it.

To me, MeToo says “we are here together with a story to tell and you will listen.” I want to and will soon share my story with the world.  In the months leading up to this I looked and searched for others like me and ended up finding a group. This MeToo group is a group of millions of people whom are just like me. In this group everyone supports one another and gives advice as to how to over come something that is associated with the past abuse. This MeToo movement helped me find a place where I finally fit in.

I don’t believe the media and the public truly understand how important this movement is to so many of us but I wish that could grasp that for once in our lives we feel at home. That for once in our lives we have people who relate to us and don’t judge us by our past but help in aiding our healing process. They don’t understand how it feels to finally be encouraged to tell your story because you finally realize that you aren’t alone and that someone will listen.

I am hopeful that the MeToo movement doesn’t end but gets bigger. Big enough that the world has no choice but to listen and do something about the wrong doing to women all across the world. I wish for a second people could feel the pain, the hurt that so many of us have been faced with everyday. Lastly, I wish that everyone could understand us and all of the things we have had to go through. Most people don’t like the MeToo movement because it’s something that we all know is going on in the world but no one likes to talk about it. The truth is often a hard pill to swallow. The MeToo movement is that pill for the world because in ignoring it people don’t have to deal with the consequences caused by abuse. In accepting the movement means that people who aren’t victims have the potential of being held accountable when they don’t do anything. People fear doing something because of what others may think.  No one likes to go against the grain. Truth is whether they accept us or not We are here to stay, Our voices have been woken up from the pits of the past and we have lots to say I just pray the world listens.

My life has been torn between abuse after abuse after abuse.  I am now 22-year-old and just now able to begin working on rebuilding myself from my past. My dream is to one day succeed in my career as a victim advocate specializing in abuse because I want to help as many people as I can over come obstacles and not be consumed by the things they have been through. I want to accomplish my goal so that I can go out and help as many people as I can. So, that I can sit each and every one of them down and say ; ” I made it and so can you.”” Your life matters, You are not your past” If they ask how I know my response would be “MeToo!”

Breaking The Silence, Letters From A Pedophile

Letters from a pedophile Pt. 4

After the last letter that Tevrous sent I read his letter and his lies and wrote him back naming every name of every person that I and many others know he assaulted.  He can deny having done them to those people but pain doesn’t lie. This letter was his response to me. Attached with the letter he sent a card he made and drew as an apology to me.

 

Jade,

Look I know I fucked up but it’s not 4 people me and (His step sister) never did a thing we just acted like we did.  Who is this other person you are talking about because I don’t know anyone by that name? The girl I’m locked up for lied about how old she was and I never knew her real age and she knew I was 21 and had a baby by me. So, that’s why I’m locked up. She sent a letter to the judge saying she was sorry for lying on me but I’m still locked up because she was young but I didn’t hurt her. I never lied to you all I wanted was to make my past go away. I’m mot saying because it happened to me  and I did it to people that it makes it right. No. I used to think fuck the world and  I would make them feel my pain but one day I opened my eyes and said fight back.  I was never trying to hurt no one.  I beat him up because he was a white supremacist . Him and his white friends were going around saying ” fuck black people and fuck y’all nigger bitch”. So, yes I feel good for beating him up. So, I will keep it 100 with you the first time you wrote me I knew what it was about just wish I could go back in time to fix it. But at the end of the day i have to live with what I did so just let me show you I’m sorry for hurting you. Tell me how I can make it better for you so you can know I’m sorry for real. Just tell me if I can have you back in  my life.  Please know that I am truly sorry. My words and actions are to follow what is in my heart.

-Tevrous Bomer

My response/ Reaction:

This letter like the others he asks about having me back in his life, which no matter how many times I see it i will never be okay with that.  As I stated once before he’s writing to me as if I were his lover not his cousin or the person he sexually abused. I personally don’t believe he feels sorry for the things he did. This letter I haven’t responded to yet part of me just wants to be done with the letters now because they are getting me nowhere. I know of 5 females he assaulted all at a very young age and he can’t or won’t even admit to it. The first sentence sounds like b.s.  You don’t “act like” you’re doing something like having sex  especially not as a child. I witnessed actions taking place and on top of that I was told by another victim at the time of the abuse that it was happening to them too.  I initially set out to only write 5 letters and after receiving 5 letters if I had not gotten the outcome I wanted then I would end the communication and cut all ties. If I do respond to this letter it would be short and straight to the point. I may just list every name over and over again as well as the relation to him and be done. Or I may just write how what he did to me affected my life and still affects my life 22 years later. I want to tell him these things but, I don’t want the way I feel to only be turned and twisted into a sick love game for him. At this point I haven’t decided how I will be responding, guess I’ll just give it some time for me to think it over.

Breaking The Silence

Blinding Love

For so long I have been troubled by love. Love is so beautiful yet can also be so hard. I’ve seen from experience and watching others that love can be what brings two people together and also be what tears them apart. When you’re in love you often become blind to the things occurring around you my question is why?

My first time seeing this was just by me watching my mother. My mom is one of those people who fall hard very quickly. Once she’s in love with someone they can do no wrong. My mom has had some good and bad taste in men. My step father being one of the bad. After finding he had cheated on her, threatened to kill us and tried to have sex with me my mother took back her boyfriend at the time.  Eventually they became more than boyfriend and girlfriend as he asked her to marry him and she said yes. At the time she was blinded because she was being loved. Loved by someone she loved and wanted to grow with and because of that she was blind to everything he did. I believe she just didn’t want to accept the things he had done because that would mean losing being loved and her being alone. So there are people who become attached to the thought of someone loving them and block out anything else that doesn’t fit in their perfect bubble. No matter how real it may or may not be some people just want to be loved.

From experience I can say I have been blinded by what I felt was love. My reasoning being slightly different than my mothers though. I have loved only two people who I have dated and only been in love once. The first guy I fell in love with was my best friend and then he became my highschool sweetheart. I was so in love I was blinded by him doing wrong to me. We had physical altercations at one point and we made up and  continued on as if everything was fine. We would argue then he’d come back and apologize and I’d take him back. It had become a revolving circle with us. 4 years revolving and I stuck around. 4 years of happiness, then pain and the cycle would start over again. I loved him because he gave  me my first experience of love and I know no matter how bad of terms we are on I can go to him and he will listen. He’s always been around and been a good a friend no matter what.

The 2nd guy was different from my highschool sweet heart he was older and wiser but it seemed I was more serious than he was about our relationship being something serious. Unlike my highschool sweetheart he did play more mind games. He toyed with my emotions really. Him being someone not drawn by emotions he never really understood how I felt especially when he told me that we would be temporary.  We “dated” for somewhat of a year but it never really went anywhere because we were always on different pages. We both wanted it to work and loved one another but could never get on the same page at the same time. So, I settled for having him as a friend and taking things slowly which seemed to push him in the opposite direction. From there we really just became friends with benefits. Which I learned was a bad idea because he became the guy to unintentionally rape me when I said no to having sex with him. After all the mind games, back and forth and rape I still for some reason loved this person and wanted to be with this man. We had probably been through more in a year’s time than me and my high School sweet heart had in the 4 years we had been together. Crazy thing  is I  will probably always have love for him even with all that we have been through. Whether he feels the same or not, you just cant stop loving someone, because you want to especially when the love is real.

From my personal experience I have learned that I too was blinded by love. Not just because it was someone who was around to love me but because I’m connected to hurt. My life has been nothing but pain so hurt is all that I have gotten to know. It feels great to be loved by someone but when you go through so much together you become blinded by the history and the connection of pain between the two of you. So, my questions are how do you distinguish between real love and what you want to be love? How do you not become so in love with someone that you’re blinded by all the wrong that they do? Is it even possible?

Breaking The Silence

Inevitable Relasp

Depression is like a drug that your body and mind have become addicted to but instead of it being some narcotic you become addicted to a feeling. The feeling of pain and sorrow. Well, at least that’s how its been for me. For the most part I manage my life to revolve around my depression. But, other times it’s as if everything is out of my control and depression takes over for a few days or a few weeks, sometimes even months. Depression hits me and it becomes hard to shake, so it sticks around and progresses until I can no longer take it and decide that I want out.

The only issue is trying to break up with depression is it’s almost impossible. There are a couple of ways to deal with depression. The first that is pushed for is medication. There are so many types of medication to choose from, but medication doesn’t always work, especially with someone who hasn’t had any treatment and depression isn’t caught early on. I’ve had depression since I was an adolescent and when I asked for help at the age of 9 I didn’t get it. At the age of 20 is when I began taking pills. I was prescribed Zoloft for my depression and it didn’t work for me. Medication made me less emotional, but didn’t help with the thoughts and feelings. It actually made them get stronger. While on zoloft the feelings and suicidal thoughts I had before hand were more pressing. At one  point I had to talk myself out of driving off a bridge. It was a thought I’d had before but never actually acted on it. It was as if the Medication had given me the courage to do What I could never do before, end my life. I didn’t like that at all, and eventually I stopped taking those pills. For me the medicine didn’t help maybe it was just the brand of pills or the fact that before 20 Id never had any help with my mental illness, either way it wasn’t for me.

Another option which was offered to me was counseling. I was fearful at first, the thought of talking to someone who I don’t even know about my life scared me. I couldn’t talk with anyone else at the time but a boyfriend and he could only help so much, so I agreed to the counseling. My first session at the office was my last at the office. I went in and the lady was really sweet and made me feel comfortable. She just asked me questions about my life and we briefly talked before she told me that she wanted to continue the sessions and keep me on the pills my doctor prescribed. After leaving there I ended up joining a network online were I could video chat with a counselor or write to them and they’d give me advice. All professionals were licensed and I chose who I wanted to speak with. One of the doctors was such a great help to me because it seemed he really listened to me and offered me a new alternative.

The alternative  I have been offered was Emdr therapy. Emdr  ( Eye movement desensitization reprocessing)  is a process that helps people with trauma. Emdr Can be done by yourself or with a professional. I never got to do the Emdr but I think I may still try. I’m unsure how effective it is but it’s worth a shot.

With all the treatments to be offered it seems they are just that a treatment not a complete fix. For me, at least I haven’t found my cure for the sunken place of depression. I wish that I could come across the answer. Until then I guess I’ll be stuck with the  doom days that seem they’ll never end. I’m still searching and willing to try something new especially if it’ll help me.

What treatments have you taken up to help cope with your depression?

Breaking The Silence

Suziee Speaks!

Suziee Speaks to me is deeper than just being words, deeper than just a phrase, and deeper than just being a title. I thought long and hard about what I wanted my blogging name to be and what I wanted people to know me as. After thinking long and hard one day I fell asleep and when I woke its was as if I had all the answers. Suziee Speaks stuck out to me and was the only name I couldn’t get out of my mind.

Suziee isn’t my government name, it’s a nickname given to me by one of my cousins when we were close. My real name being Jade, growing up I always hated that my name was so short. For some reason I still always had to correct people on its pronunciation. “Jada, Jewel, or Joy” were a few of the wrong names I’d been called over the years. For a summer I went to Tennessee and while there my cousins gave me the nickname suziee and from then on out that’s what I have been to everyone, Suziee!

Suziee to me is like an alter ego. It gives me a chance to be Someone different. If you’ve ever met me then you know I’m  quiet and reserved and stick to myself or the people I know. Suziee, I like to think of as the more open side of me though. Less reserved and more fun.

Speaks at the end of Suziee speaks is just as important to me. I specifically chose both words. I chose speaks because I am opening up and telling my story. I am talking. I am doing something I haven’t done before and that’s opening up to people I don’t even know. I don’t talk to everyone so people don’t know me nor understand me, I figured it’s time I changed that.

With me being so reserved and quiet I decided that me opening up I needed a name that represented that. Suziee Speaks is actually an ironic name to me. It’s the opposite of what everyone is used to getting from me. People who know me are used to me shying away from the spotlight and not saying much. Most people who know me will say I am quiet, which is true unless I’m comfortable around you.

All in All Suziee Speaks represents me using my voice. It represents me breaking out of my shell and letting loose. Suziee Speaks is me using my “alter ego”, my fun more open side and turning it into something positive.The name itself is encouraging, because for so long I was in a shell afraid to just be me. In this process I have found myself, and my voice and I’m ready to use it!!!

What’s your alter ego go to name?

Breaking The Silence

To vent or not to vent?

Being a sexual assault and now rape victim you can’t always find people who understand you. For the most part people just feel sorry for you or don’t care at all because they can’t understand or can’t relate. You come across a hand full of people who you can talk to and even then, if they havent experienced the things that you have they can only help you so much. So, the question is do you still talk and if so who do you talk to?

For me I have so many family members who have experienced sexual abuse just like me but no one wants to talk about it. Everyone wants to suppress the memories and let the pain build but I can’t do that. The only family member I have that will listen and give advice is my eldest brother. He has been very helpful in helping me through this journey and of all the people he’s the only one who said they would be here for me and hadn’t left. He’s never experienced sexual abuse but he helped to raise me so in a way he’s like a father figure and a big brother all in one. He tries his best to understand as much as he can. As far as other family memebers are concerned there’s really no one in the family who will listen or wants to talk about it. So if you don’t have family you can go to who do you talk to?

For me I’ve learned that good friends are hard to come by. So, when you do find a good friend you keep them around. I’ve had a few good friends in my life some I have lost and others stuck around. Those friends are friends I’ll keep forever. When I go to them with any problem they are around to listen. With me discussing my sexual abuse past and present they are good listeners. But, rage often takes over them and by the end of the discussion they’re ready to hurt someone and feeling sorry for me. I hate when people feel sorry for me.

Besides the three people I have to talk with there’s no one else who knows me. My brother and 2 close friends have been the only 2 people I’ve talked with daily about the things that trouble me the most; like my abuse. But what do you do when there’s no one around to understand and relate to you?

In a perfect world I’d have my mother by my side helping me through this experience since she can relate to it but that isn’t the case. I’ve learned by watching and trying to talk to her about how I feel about my past that she isn’t ready. She doesn’t want anything to do with it , I can’t even get her to read my blogs. Can’t lie that really hurts but, you can’t force someone to do something that they aren’t ready for. Of all the people to talk to I’d love for it to be her. I say that because she knows me and can relate and that’s the best combo to come by.

Being a victim we often think the best thing to do is to hold everything in but honestly that isn’t the best option. I wish I had known earlier that talking about it makes you feel so much better. That expressing your rage and emotions is like lifting a weight off your shoulders. The best choice is to talk, and not runaway  it’s helped me a lot. But when you don’t have friends or family where do you go?

There’s an option of counseling but honestly I prefer not to talk with someone who’s main outcome is to get a check. I have found writing to be a great comforter. I’ve also joined social groups where there are millions of people like me. That has been a rewarding experience. Talking with regular people who are also survivors of abuse is like finally finding a home. Finding somewhere that you fit in. Not only does everyone understand but some go through the same things as you. There are people who are around who understand you and don’t judge you or feel sorry for you. They are just people listening and giving advice because they can relate.

The answer to the question when you don’t have family or friends around to lend a listening ear you search and you find someone who will listen. There are people who will not just listen to you but they will understand you as well. I felt lost and unable to vent like I needed to the people i did have so I found people who knew just what to say and just how I felt. Sometimes the best help comes from a stranger.I’ll admit at first I wasn’t sure talking to strangers would help but it has. It’s been comforting knowing that someone finally gets me.

I’m no doctor nor counselor but I am a great listener. I’ve been able to comfort a few people because I’ve been able to relate to them and to really understand. To anyone who feels that they have nowhere to turn and no one to listen search harder there’s always someone even if they are a stranger.

P.s. I Don’t know if itll help anyone but my email is always open! suzieespeaks@gmail.com

Wake up

Misjudged

“Those who judge will never understand and those who understand will never judge” We live in a world where you are judged for being yourself and praised for trying to be like everyone else. We live in a world where people feel they know you based off of what the next person told them about you. Whether you know it to be true or false won’t matter. As stated in the bible “the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” Everyone starts rumors without thinking and speaks without knowing. Before you know it who you really are will no longer be how you are perceived to the world, they’ll see you as the person that everyone else portrayed you out to be.

I’m sure everyone has had moments in their life where they were misjudged by someone who really knew nothing about them. Well, I have been misjudged my entire life, and a few of those moments stick with me the most. When people don’t know everything about you, they make up stories to fill in the blanks. I guess that part is my fault though? I keep to myself to avoid drama and becoming attached to the wrong people. I’ve changed how I went about dealing with people and opened up, just becoming an open book as well. But, both of these things were still met with rumors, and judgment. I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t win. No matter how far you’ve come and what you accomplish or who you are there will always be someone who won’t like you for you. Because of that stories are made up, rumors are spread and before you know it you aren’t who you’re supposed to be.

Growing up I have been victim to being misjudged by those who never even took the time out to get to know me. I have always been a quiet person and kept my life and personal   business to myself but that isn’t normal in society. People believe they have the right to know everything about you and when they don’t, they create stories to fill in the unknown.

Living in Arizona most of my life put me in a total culture shock when I moved back to Tennessee. I had been to 2 high schools prior to going to this one. When I arrived I for the most part kept to myself I spoke to people but overall I kept to myself because that’s always been me. Being used to moving around a lot you try not to get attached to people, so I didn’t. Everyone knew I was the new girl and not from around here but no one knew me, and honestly they still don’t. But, because they didn’t know me people decided they wouldn’t like me. To this day it’s people I have never spoken to a day in my life that just do  not like me because of something someone else told them.

Each day I kept to myself unless given a reason to do other wise. Rumors had been spread. I had a guy come up to me one day and ask about my three kids that someone stated I had. My senior year in high school I had a boyfriend and still for the most part kept to myself and out-of-the-way. Even with me trying to distance myself from being judged no matter what it still seemed to follow and people sill talked. I Had someone start a rumor that I didn’t like a girl that I actually  considered as a friend. They also stated that I was  basically saying bad things about this girl, someone who I had never had an issue with and because word of mouth and opinions matter more to people than facts she believed them and had begun to dislike me because of it. The only reason I knew any of this was even happening is because someone came up to me and asked me why I was saying all these things and by the time I had tried correcting it, the damage had been done.   I’d say the most irritating  part about things was that I still don’t even know who started those rumors and no one ever bothered to even see if I was true. Popular opinion, it wins every time!

Another time I was misjudged by rumors  is one that will probably stick with me for a while because of all the things people can make up this was one they should have kept. A rumor that I had been sleeping around with someone I considered as family had been started after I had broken up with a boyfriend for cheating on me. The rumor came from someone in his family and a new friend of his.  I’d say of all the things that have been said about me in my life that is the most hurtful. It’s hurtful because as a survivor of abuse I have to be connected with people on an emotional level to even become intimate and older men is something I always steer away from because they remind me of my past. Of course they didn’t know that but that doesn’t excuse the rumor. Another reason that hurt me was because I have been around these people for 5 years and have never even looked at anyone the way I did my boyfriend at the time, especially not family.  I’m the type of person  that if we are dating any and everyone who comes on to me I will tell you about as well. This was another rumor that no only affected me, my life and relationships with people but also affected the lives of other people around me.

I have learned a lot in my 22 years of life, lessons that most people may never learn.  I have learned that no matter how much people claim to like you they will still judge you. I have learned that rumors are usually started by bitter people who are unhappy with their own lives, and want you to feel the same. When it comes to rumors I know the truth, if people care about you like they say then they’ll always come to you for clarity. I have learned that rumors tell you a lot about people and who you can and can’t trust. Rumors are just words, they can’t hurt you they can only make you stronger because other people’s opinion doesn’t determine who you are as a person, as long as you remain true to yourself.

We live in a world where everyone feels its their right to know everything about your life. Family, Friends, Peers, neighbors and society ; Everyone wanting to see who you are and what you are about. No one wants the next person to be better than them so they dilute the image you’ve made for yourself. That isn’t right. You shouldn’t have to work hard to establish yourself just to have that tarnished by someone who probably doesn’t even know you. I wrote  This is for those people who like me have been misjudged and had rumors spread about them throughout their life. Who you are as a person matters and you should not let what other people think change that. Maybe one day they’ll understand that the words they speak and the rumors they start affects everyone around them. Just Stay true to yourself!

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

No means No?

The Global Rape prevention organization stated, “We believe the key to ending the global rape epidemic is to empower both girls and boys to create a culture of mutual respect.” No Means No, was a mission set out to help decrease the high percentage of rape. Colleges used the slogan and most have changed it to be Yes means Yes. I’m on the fence about both of these to be honest, both to me won’t prevent all rapes from happening. Isn’t the point in a movement to make a change?Trying to decrease the high percentage of rapes is a good start but to me it isn’t enough, the goal should be to seize them all together. Ultimately No means No and Yes means Yes will not do it.

I may get people looking at me side ways for this but, Question How many times have you told someone No and they didn’t listen? How many times have you told your son, daughter little sister brother or anyone in general and they still did or took what you said after you said not to? No means No is a great campaign but No alone won’t stop everyone. Some people have gone their entire lives getting anything they have ever wanted from family, friends maybe even the public. My point is everyone won’t grasp the concept of No especially if it’s not what they are used to. Does that give them the right to rape No of course not but No alone will not work. If the word “No” worked there wouldn’t be a high percentage of rape because the word No alone would prevent the act from happening.

I say this because I know first hand that saying no doesn’t save you. In my childhood I have said no and the molestation still occurred. In my Adulthood I have also been a victim. I’ve only discussed this with 2 people a very close friend and the person who did it. Discussing it with him I don’t believe he really grasped the concept of what he did to me. November 30, 2017 a date I’ll never forget. A guy I had been dating took me out to eat, afterwards we went back to a spot that we often hung out at to be secluded from everyone else. We had sexual encounters here before but not always. This day I just wanted to eat and go home. I was tired and wasn’t feeling well and was just ready to leave. He overly insisted on me staying. We were talking having a regular conversation and he got aroused, I’m unsure if he had been drinking or not but he was very aggressive that day. He had become overly excited and aggressive. It had only been 4 days since we last had sex, 4!!! He began trying to pull at my leggings as I tried to leave. I was pushing him off of me, but that didn’t work. He pulled my leggings down, I’d pull them up. I said no, several times. He laughed. I was serious in these moments, it was all as if it were a game to him. It seemed to get him off even more because he got more aggressive. He took over, managed to get them down, at this point I said no with his name. He ignored. Tears filled up my eyes and I sucked it up, just kept thinking it won’t take long. He turned me so that I faced the desk, I stared at the wall. He penetrated me, His hand sitting firmly in the middle of my back. He talked during, which was a usual thing for him. But, this time was different. He was more aggressive and very forceful. Staring at the wall I got to thinking about my childhood. Yet again I had come to face what seemed to be the inevitable for me. Another man in my life, hurting me. After finishing I sat in the chair before cleaning myself up, he seemed kind of happy to have released himself though. But me, I was sad, confused and all I wanted to do was go.

After the incident I didn’t know what to do honestly so many thoughts filled my head. Who can I talk to? Where can I go? I went to a close friend’s house and didn’t’ say anything for a while I sat trying to pretend everything was okay. But, he could see on my face that something was bothering me. Apparently, my mouth does this twitchy thing when I’m troubled. So, I went to my notepad in my phone and wrote out what had happened, because I couldn’t say it. We sat there crying together his more fueled by rage and not being able to defend me. The only thing I kept repeating was ” I told him no, and he didn’t listen.” He asked if he knew what he actually did, my answer was I don’t know. I learned later that week that he knew something was off. In a conversation via text he said that during intercourse he could feel that I was tighter than usual and I wasn’t as aroused, he could feel the difference. He also said, he could see on my face that something was wrong and when I sat in the chair I sat down as if it were a chore that I had just completed, but he didn’t say anything. He waited for me to. come to him and even then I don’t think he grasped the seriousness of that incident. From that day on I have been distant with him and we don’t or haven’t really discussed what went on. The thing that bothered me the most after the incident is that I still loved this person who took advantage of me. I wanted to be able to instantly stop loving him, I wanted to hate him but I couldn’t. That night He took away my power, and most importantly he didn’t listen when I said no and No was reiterated more than once. I said no along with his name and that didn’t work. I fought with him to keep my clothes up and that didn’t work. That moment took me back to my childhood. I sunk that night, I waited for it to be over, waited to go home. That night I held back tears.I try not to let to those incidents linger in my mind but the truth is they will. Saying No, didn’t save me and I repeated it over and over. In 2016, the total number of rape cases stood at about 96,000. Of those 96,000 how many of them do you think said no? Think about it, if someone is trying to take something you say no. 96,000 people’s voice didn’t stop them from being victims. No, won’t save everyone from being taken advantage of, Saying No alone won’t prevent rapes, Saying No just won’t cut it.

Yes means Yes is basically a firm form of consent to sex. This is similar to No means No but is better to me to a certain extent. Yet, ultimately I still believe it isn’t effective enough. This is a great campaign in college as students are known to drink, and party. This gives you the option to say yes I want to have sex with you, which is fine. But my question is what happens if you change your mind? If you give full consent in the beginning but you change your mind half way through what happens? We have seen that the word No isn’t firm enough to make everyone less horny or less aggressive, so what do you do? There’s alcohol in play and you have already consented to sex, you then chang your mind and say no. Some people will stop. But, that guy or that girl who has alcohol in their system, They’ve been partying, they’re aroused and ready at your go ahead. So, you tell them no stop, but they’ve been drinking and become aggressive. What do you do? Everyone changes their mind about something at some point so what do you do when you already said yes and now you mean No?

Sex isn’t a complicated matter. I believe a No should be firm enough to mean No. But, As a society what do we do when it isn’t. I have told you my story. In 2016, just 2 years ago 96,000 people had 1 just like mine. We said no and no one listened. No means No was a great start but, it won’t end rape. Neither will Yes means Yes because we are consenting to have intercourse and even if we change our mind that doesn’t guarantee the person will stop. If you ask me, you’re consenting to your own rape. Maybe I am wrong. But, 1 thing I know for sure is that Words alone won’t stop rape. Words alone don’t stop a thief from stealing out of a store, so how can we expect a rapist; someone who is driven by sex mentally and physically to Stop when we say No?

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

Letters from a Pedophile Pt. 3

In my previous letter to Tevrous I ended it asking him 6 questions, he answered them in this 3rd letter to me.

Jade,
Look I know I fucked up but didn’t take advantage of it I was doing what people did to me. I was too young and dumb to catch on to them . So, I know how you feel right now. See people think only women can get hurt but men can too. My little brother big cousin Eric used to rape me in the 90’s. I was so fucked up My mind was not right. I tried to get over it I was like 10 or 11 in 99 I moved back to Tennessee. So one day me Kevin and his big cousin Howard T was out having fun it was getting late so we dropped Kevin off at home. Howard t. Was like we can go to his house to get weed and I was like OK. So we go in and I can never forget it. He asked me if I needed a drink but after I downed it I passed out what he put in it I don’t know. So don’t think you are alone. I never got help because I was afraid of what people would think of me.so I took it out on you. I’m sorry for real jade. I was reading this book called longing to tell by Tricia rose read it if u think I’m lying I feel like shit if you like i can send u my book. I don’t live the street life no more I’m tired of shooting people and beating people up. That was my life because this all I believe in. I’m in the nation of Islam now I’m trying To do good in my life. If we never talk when i get home i will never let no body hurt u. I just want us to be cool. How did u get my name and number? The only reason i ask for your number is because i hate writing and I fucked my hand up beating this guy face in. But for you i will write.

1. Why did you do it? : Because I was fucked up in the head i was thinking it was right because it happened to me so i did.
2. How many people have you hurt?: If u don’t believe me only 2 people
3) Do you think you were wrong? : Yes I do look back at it yes i wish i can redo my life and make things right.
4) What have you learned from this? : To think first before i act out because lots of people can be hurt by what i do.
5) Do you think you’ll do it again? :Hell no because I know right from wrong.
6) What are your plans when you get out of prison? : To be a better son, father, brother, husband, and help my pops get this business off and ran the right way. I put all that gang bang shit behind me now.

1. How can I show you I’m a different person now?
2. I wish you would come see me so you can see the hurt in my eyes

Tevrous Bomer

My Reaction:

Reading this letter I kind of laughed to myself because this letter was very hypocritical to me. I didn’t need time to sit and think before responding to this letter at all. In his letter like most he throws out his alliance to Islam and Allah and that he wants to change. But, he then goes on to say he beat a guys face in. How does that make you changed or better in any way? He answered 6 questions that I previously asked him. Of those only 1 of them was most important to me. Question #2 How many people have you hurt? His answer was 2. I asked him questions to see if I would get the correct answer, I sent off the letter giving him the benefit of doubt and hoping that he would. Sadly, he did not. Maybe he “forgot”. I like most people know of 4 people including myself which were victimized by him. And I made sure to let him know that I knew that in my response to him.

I know that both men and women are subject to abuse. Most men don’t speak on their encounter because of fear of how people will judge them. Do I believe he was abused? Honestly, I am not sure. It wouldn’t surprise me at all but that doesn’t give him the right to continue the cycle. I hope that story wasn’t a lie too. If he was abused that helps me better understand why he did the things he did, still doesn’t make them right,

The other 5 questions I asked were merely to see where he stood on his actions and how he planned to change them. In question 5 I asked if he believed he would do it again. His answer was Hell No because he knows right from wrong. That too I believe was a lie. I say that because in previous letters he has gone to show over expression of love for me even admitting to being in love with 5-year-old me. He knows right from wrong but doesn’t know that it isn’t okay to be in love with your cousin, or to love me the way that he does. Truth is, I believe he will get parole and he will eventually hurt someone else. I think he may try to find me, because his attachment is sickening.

In question 6 I asked him what his plans were after being released from prison. His response was ;to be a better son, father, brother, husband, and help my pops get this business off and ran the right way. I put all that gang bang shit behind me now. Do I believe this?, yes and no. He may come out level-headed with the mind-set of I’m going to this and that but get out and things be totally different. If you take someone out of the environment that they are used to living in then they change and they adapt to the new environment. If he gets out and goes back to live with his father like he is planning then he won’t succeed. I know this because that is where he began abusing people and that is where they looked the other way with this behavior. They still think so highly of him, even still have his pictures up around the home. To them he didn’t deserve time for what he did. To them Tevrous should be home and no one should have anything to say about it. That way is wong and to that I disagree. I think if he does get parole he shouldn’t come back to Tennessee, he should stay in Michigan and seclude himself. Will it happen?, I don’t think so He is a pedophile and pedophilia has no cure.

In conclusion, this letter of the 3 thus far brought the least amount of emotions out of me. This letter didn’t make me cry. This letter didn’t make me sad. This letter honestly didn’t even make me angry. It just made me be like, Okay. I had merely no emotion after this letter, I read it and immediately knew what I needed and wanted to say back to him. I believe I sparked a little anger when he read my letter to him because he responded different from he did in the first 2 letters. He got  defensive asking how I got any of his information? I know I poked a few buttons by asking questions too….Moving forward I am hoping to gain more answers from him though.

To answer his 2 questions :

1. How can I show you I’m a different person now? :

My Response: He shouldn’t want to change for someone else he should want to do it for himself that is what matters. And He can’t claim he is changing and better and for Allah and still be doing things like beating people up or being okay with telling me he is in love with me or my 5-year-old self.
2. I wish you would come see me so you can see the hurt in my eyes

My response: I won’t be visiting him. After the second letter all thoughts of visiting flew out the window. His letters seem like he was reminiscing or fantasizing. At this point I don’t want him knowing what I look like right now. If he never gets out of prison, meaning his parole is shot down and his sentence is extended to exceed his life expectancy then I will visit him. If I ever visit him I definitely won’t go alone. I will take My eldest brother, whom is a sergeant in the military. He has been so supportive in this journey for me. He has already stated if I go he will go with me. So, the offer is always open. But, for right now we won’t be seeing face to face. ” To see The hurt in my eyes” That there I must say did make me laugh. I laughed because I don’t think he understands hurt. If we traded places my hurt would definitely exceed his. He doesn’t hurt because he is still reminiscing on the sick things he did and his affection for me is still sickening. I say my hurt  is greater because what he did to me as a child has affected me my entire life I am 22 years old, 22 and still don’t sleep when I am alone at night because I fear someone is coming in the middle of the night to hurt me. I am 22 and I have had depression since I was a kid because I beat myself up everyday wondering why my cousin chose to abuse me. That’s just to name a few.

The 3rd letter was simple and to the point, I’m curious to know if I steered up any more emotions from him in my last letter to him. I am sure I will find out soon, he is very quick to respond. Guess we will see how things unfold in letter number 4.

Breaking The Silence, Letters From A Pedophile, Wake up

Letter from A pedophile pt. 2

Jade,
Was up girl how are you doing why have you not wrote me a letter back. I hope we can be family again never be afraid to ask me anything. I’m here for you.just send me your number so I can call you, you have been on my mind now so tell me the real how are you for real. Tell me you’re a strong black woman. How is our relationship going to be. Now i intend to be the best so can i have a chance at making you happy for once in life. I have a lot of things to tell u. I was so in love with you girl was i wrong for loving you so much? Please hit me back. I know its things on your mind. Just like it’s on my mind. I want to start my day knowing we are ok and getting our goals out the way. But i understand if you hate me, i don’t want you to hate me if you do. When i come home i need you by my side because at the end of the day we are family and i need your support too, not money i have that but love i promise to never hurt you again but i feel sorry for the nigga who try to. How old are you now? and can you send me your birthday so i can keep up with it. My only concern is getting right with Allah and you so teach me the way. And don’t be stubborn. I always loved you and i cant lose you my heart is yours jade. love you

Love always tevrous bomer
Write me back

This letter was the second letter I received from him and I had not even replied to the first letter. Looking in the mail I honestly didn’t want to read it but curiosity got the best of me. I thought, I didn’t reply to him so what is he writing me about. Not even a month after the first letter he had sent this one. He didn’t send it himself though another inmate sent it off for him. I know because the name and number on the outside of the envelope weren’t his own. I opened the letter and read the first few sentences and a rage grew over me. How dare him, I thought. He doesn’t even know me or anything about me.I began to go over in my head the things I wanted to say to him. I am a very strong Black Woman but, him saying it irritated every nerve that I have. To me it was something he shouldn’t say because he hurt me. Reading the first letter I was like okay this may not be so bad, but this letter made me want to give up. He said that he was in love with me. Me?, A 5-year-old child at the time. We are 9 years apart, how? I tried to comprehend the way he thought. Tried to understand but I can’t.

This letter was the eye opener for me. This letter helped me realize that I wanted to study Psychology and become a victim advocate. I say this was the determining factor for me to choose psychology over social work because this letter was written by someone who thinks of me as someone I am not. He wrote to me as if we are in love. Not as if he had hurt me. That made me feel sorry for him because I realized he would never understand how wrong that is. The way that he thinks isn’t normal, it’s far from it. It’s a sad reality.

Everyone that I let read this letter was angry or sad. My older brother just kept apologizing to me as if it were his fault. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, that doesn’t change a thing. I want people to realize how they feel when they read the letters doesn’t compare to the emotions it causes me. I want people to understand how serious this is. I want people to read these letters or hear my story and want to make a difference. Don’t just say you’re sorry try to save someone else from being abused, change their lives. I have been through this, don’t let anyone else.

My response to this letter was bunt and straight forward. I told him we aren’t friends, we aren’t family and I don’t want to be. I believe he got the message because his third letter was different from this one. I hope he got the message. This letter wasn’t cool at all, it crossed boundaries. It bothered me a lot. The thing that bothered me the most was that he doesn’t even realize how this letter impacted me and probably never will. I wish he could… because certain parts of this letter will forever stick with me. It’ll stick with me as a reminder that I need to go harder than ever and also that I don’t need to give up. This letter was really an eye opener and truth is I still don’t completely know how I should feel about it. As stated before no one can prepare you for talking to your abuser. Unless you are a victim then I believe no one can completely grasp how it feels. I want people to be able to understand but not at the cost of losing a piece of who they are. This is my letter from a pedophile, my first pedophile, my cousin, my family. Within 2 letters I was able to see him for who he was and how he thought. So, my question is why can’t society see a pedophile for what they truly are and treat them as such? I believe in second chances but not when someone else’s life is unwillingly affected by your actions. There are consequences to actions and I believe My abuser and the many other’s that are out there should not be free. Tevrous has been in prison since 2009 and yet in writing a letter to me he’s still comfortable enough to express how he was in love with 5-year-old me. If you ask me ,they don’t change…… They only get better at not getting caught.