Breaking The Silence

Charlemagne using spanish fly to rape someone

After listening to this podcast I was triggered. He literally bragged about raping a young lady. If you put something  in someone’s drink (Spanish Fly ) without their knowledge that is wrong. If you then proceed to have sex with them without their consent while they are passed out you indeed have raped someone. The fact that he is laughing as he tells this story is disgraceful. From listening to the podcast it seems his knowledge of what rape and consent were off, he has clearly been misinformed. He had to be told that he raped this young lady. As a public figure, a celebrity, and successful black man he should know better and be better informed.

This is America as a minority the odds are always against African-American people especially our black men. This can be a teachable moment for everyone both men and women. Our future generations need to know right from wrong and should start learning  early on. If you have young boys or girls raise them to understand right from wrong. Raise our young women to understand that unless they want to have sex and actually give consent to the person that they do not have to do anything they don’t want to do. Have them to understand being forced to do anything that they do not want to do is rape and is not okay. Raise young men to understand that if a female cannot say yes then the answer is NO! Raise our children to understand what rape actually is, raise them to understand how detrimental it can be to the other person for the rest of their lives.  Our future leaders need to be knowledegable so that they do not to make the same mistakes that we as a country are making right now.

The rape epidemic is on the rise and it should not be that way.  There are many things which could be to blame. One of those is both victims and predators not being knowledgable. The other is these rapist not being held accountable for their own actions. In not being held accountable it shows other predators that they can rape someone and get away with it. Rape is not and will never be okay and that is the way it should be perceived and handled by the world.

Charlemagne should be held accountable for his actions. I have been reading comments left by his fans and followers and it shows just how lost we are. It is believed  he is not a rapist because the woman has not come forward. To anyone with this train of thinking you are wrong. If you listen to the podcast Charlemagne tells the story for her, What he describes is indeed rape! This is not the first time Charlemagne has talked about raping someone but because he is so high in power he hasn’t been held accountable. Power should not be what stops a victim from getting justice. Everyone deserves justice! We as a people need to do better and have to do better so that we can have better outcomes in the future!#BreakTheSilence

Breaking The Silence

Letter to my Step Father

This was the message that I sent to my step father after he declined to meet with me to talk. I would have rather said everything in person but I wasn’t given the chance :

Drico,

Before I say what I needed to say I gotta know why are you so small?I hated seeing you like that. That’s not the Drico that I know. So what’s going on? I know you probably won’t tell me but I hope you do.. If not I understand.

I Wanted to start by saying that I really do hope you’re taking care of yourself. But for a while I’ve been wanting to talk to you I was hoping you would accept my offer to talk in person. But since you didn’t I’ll accept writing to you. Whether you respond or not doesn’t matter as long as I say what I need to say.

When you first came into our lives we accepted you and loved you. I’m glad that I was fortunate enough to have some good memories with you in the beginning. Things were great. Unfortunately towards the end of you being in our family majority of the memories were bad, things that I wish I could forget. And those are things I wanted to talk with you about now. With all the things you’ve done I still care about u.

First and foremost I do want to say thankyou for trying to talk to me when you all found out about my past. For that I’m grateful you got me to open up and talk about the things that had been done to me. You taught me a few things like how to cook things which I didn’t know before. So thankyou for those things.

But of all the things that you did teach me you also taught me not to trust people. In the beginning of 09 you were a great guy one we all loved and didn’t mind being around. But, it seemed when you moved in with us all of that changed…. You switched like someone had turned a switch and you became a completely different person. One that I really don’t like. In case you don’t remember ill explain.

When first moving to Arizona you threatened to leave my mother after a dish was left in the sink to soak by me. Blaming me for being the reason that you were leaving. In my opinion that’s was very cowardly of you. If you wanted out you didn’t have to use us kids as an excuse to leave. Secondly, You made me sleep on the floor when I had a perfectly good bed because of your own insecurities and no I don’t feel that was right in any way. Moving forward over the years you and I weren’t close. None of us were really close with you, and no one is to blame but you.
You called Jarrett names and mentally abused him on the daily, that I didn’t like nor did he. The things you say affect the people you say them to. Both you and my mom are wrong because you shouldn’t have said it and she should have spoken up for Jarrett. I hope you treat your new family better than you did us.

You used to make us take cold showers only turning the hot water on for yourself or my mom that’s wrong. I dislike that you made us do things we didn’t want in order to even get shoes for school. That was a game to you but wasnt cool. I know how they feel but I can’t speak for moe and Jarrett they’ll have to tell you themselves but for me you ruined what we’re supposed to be some of the best times in my life.

I disliked how I was forced to walk 2 miles back and forth to school each day rain included. It was pouring and I asked granddaddy for a ride one day he brought me home and because of that I got in trouble. With 2 vehicles at the house I couldn’t even get a ride when mama was going that way anyways. That was ignorant on both of y’all. I don’t like that you opened all of my mail before giving it to me. I don’t like that you stole money given to me by my dad it wasn’t yours to keep. I don’t like that you tried to have me help you sale weed in order for me to get money. I asked if I could get a job y’all didn’t want me to have 1 of them either. Unsure why you were so difficult but it wasn’t the right way.

I understand in you being an ex marine you have ptsd. But, You having it and knowing that you do you need to get help. We watched you flip out too many times. Watching as you tore the house apart breaking anything you could. Then you would turn into a child. Going around the house with blood just everywhere looking as if it’s a murder scene. We as children shouldn’t have had to witness any of that. You up yelling until 3 am screaming at the top of your lungs something we shouldnt have to see. You threatening to kill us saying you wish that we were all dead isn’t something we should have to go through. Especially from someone who claims to love us as his own children. You having a problem doesn’t excuse your behavior especially if you aren’t trying to get the help that you need.

With all that was going on in the home I needed an outlet and I found it by talking to other people. That guy I sent the nude pictures to I know I shouldn’t have but at the time that was my outlet my way of asking for help but you and mama as parents were supposed to be there but weren’t. You all were too wrapped in your selves. It was wrong on my end im not saying my behavior was ok because it wasn’t. But I was pushed to go outside to find another outlet. Although I was wrong for taking the pictures the way you handles things was wrong. I know you downloaded and printed the pictures saving them in that folder. That was inappropriate of you as someone who was supposed to be my step father.

Another issue I have with you as a step father you crossed so many lines. You asking to give me head and for me to lose my virginity to you was inappropriate and sick. You know you were wrong because you tried to hide the fact that you asked me that to my mom. You forcing me to watch porn was so wrong on many levels. You trying to make me pull down my pants and touching me was wrong as well. You don’t deserve to have the step father title. My mama was wrong for marrying you, especially with knowing all the things that you did. With you knowing my past knowing that I was molested as a child why would you ruin me even more. As a man in my life, you being my step father you’re supposed to protect me not prey on me! You’re sick for that. In my eyes That makes you just as sick as the men having sex with children! You were wrong and I hope you know it. I want you to know it. On april 30 I will be posting a vlog telling my story I will be saying your name and telling all that you did. You as well as the 3 other men who hurt me. I don’t care how you feel about it. You made the decisions that you did so you have to live with the consequences to your actions. You always said man’s worst fear is being found out, I guess we will see on monday. My one question to you is why?, why did you do it?

In your message you stated I didn’t invite you to my graduation which it seemed was your reasoning for not wanting to meet with me. The last I heard you didn’t want anything to do with us. You didn’t even want us to come to Mississippi to visit our own mother. So no I didn’t invite you to my graduation that’s not something you deserve. People who were there for me were at my graduation and going away party before I went to the military. You never checked on us or anything so how you feel you were right to be at my graduation is beyond me.

Then the next time I did hear from you was after I messaged your friend cameo telling her the truth. And you got mad and refered to me as a “Skinny Bitch”. Yeah I heard that part too, and that you all felt I shouldn’t have spoken about that but I did. Y’all are married but that marriage involves me and my siblings as well because whatever you put her through you put us through too. I told my mother before I did it too. And I did it because I feel if you are Okay With moving on with your life having a new family you should be able to sign some papers to be divorced. She spent her money you didn’t have to Pay anything all you had to do was sign The papers but ignorantly of course you didn’t. Don’t you feel you’ve put our family through enough? You have moved on my mother deserves to be able to do the same.

Overall my point in writing you was to clear my chest of the pain which you have caused. I don’t know what happened to you over the years but whatever it was I pray you never turn into that guy again. I pray that in reading this you reflect over yourself from past to present and are able to become a better person in the future. I wrote you because for so many years I resented you I hated you. But in doing that I know I only hurt myself more. You were once a good man one that I was proud to call my step father, proud you were dating my mother back in 2009. I only wish you could find that guy and be him. That bitterness and evil ness that grew about you isn’t right nor healthy. You hurt people when you become bitter and if you hurt everyone who’s around you who loves you then you will end up by yourself. Some things you did i may never forget i wish i could though. And hopefully 1 day i will. But my point in writing you is to tell you that even with all that you have done I forgive you. I’m forgiving you for myself because holding on to the pain was killing me. I’m a completely different woman from the little girl you knew with a different mindset and personality. I have so many dreams that have been put on the back burner because i was trying to rebuild myself from being hurt in the past. I wish this life on no one. But i have grown so much as a person and found myself and my calling in the process i also found my voice. So, im going to say how i feel no matter what anyone has to say about it; including you. Seeing you the other day was hard because it brought back so many memories. Also because you look so sick, I don’t know what’s going on with you but you need to get yourself together! I’m speaking as your step daughter not as your friend. I care what happens to you even with how our past is.

I hope in reading this I receive a response or you at least understand. Read with the intention of understanding not to reply. You’re a very intelligent man why you chose to sale yourself short I don’t know but I hope you hear me! I hope you understand. And I do forgive you Drico and I hope you take this as criticism and use it to work on yourself. You overall aren’t a bad person you just make bad decisions. My suggestion is you think before you act and think about the consequences to your actions and how it can affect not only you but those around you as well. Its 2018 and in moving forward I hope you learn to forgive yourself as well as let go of whatever it is that turn you into such a cruel human being. You are more than the troubles you face. Instead of holding it in you need to let it out if not you will do nothing but continue to hurt yourself. Now I have said my peace. Have a good day!

-Jade

After reading he replied two days later. He said to me…

“Dear Jade, I remember a very different story, however if you choose to do you then do it. I have no problems with you. Somebody really lied to you because I chose not to pursue. But, it’s okay I am a Christian, which means I am not perfect, So moving forward start whatever trouble you feel like you need to start. But always remember when you plotting revenge does 2.”

It was Short which in all honesty I didn’t expect to hear back from him at all and if I did I expected it to be bad. If you know drico then you know his mouth will cut you deeper than any physical wound could ever do. But, I didn’t get that this time and that both shocks & scares me. I don’t know where things will go from here, I just pray that they get better and not worse.

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

Cosby Controversy

Bill Cosby was given the guilty verdict with 3 counts of aggravated indecent assault against Andrea Constand. The way the public has taken this and twisted it is sickening. In reading the comments left by people of society, I have to disagree with vast majority of them. The comments that were left only furthers reasoning for people not wanting to speak out on their abuse.

Majority of the people were asking ” if it’s true why did the women wait so long to speak out?” The part that got me here was the “if”. Sexual assault isn’t something to play around with, why someone would lie about being victimized is beyond me. But to answer everyone’s question Andrea Constad went to the police in 2005 filing a case against him but due to insufficient credible and admissible evidence the district attorney decided not to press criminal charges. Andrea Constand then filed a civil suit, the case was settled out of court in 2006. This brought more of his accusers out resulting in Andrea Constand’s case being reopened and his records unsealed. She was assaulted in 2004 and spoke up in 2005 the courts waited so long to bring his case to trial, it wasn’t his accusers. Secondly, I’d like to point out if you are a victim to any form of abuse you become traumatized and hurt and talking about being assaulted is probably one of the hardest things to do. It took me 17 years to openly be able to speak on abuse that happened when I was 5 years old. It takes time to heal and be able to be comfortable enough to tell your story especially with the world that we live in today. People get criticized every day for telling their story; the truth. Even with telling their truth there’s no guarantee that the abusers will even be charged. You have to learn to look at things from a different perspective than your own. Think outside the box sometimes. If it had been you who were assaulted would you think the same?

Another common comment left was one that I felt was ignorant. It stated “why would he assault “ugly women” when he worked with such beautiful women on his show.” The way you look has nothing to do with someone assaulting you. I was 5 when my abuse began. 5 meaning undeveloped and a child at the time and that didn’t stop me or many people whom have a story like me from being abused. Beauty doesn’t determine if you will or will not be raped it just isn’t logical. A predator will go after anyone, some people just happen to be luckier than others because they aren’t assaulted. If looks determined everything then children wouldn’t be victims.

Another comment and misconception was that because Cosby was wealthy he didn’t rape those women. If you are wealthy that doesn’t mean that you’re incapable of doing what is mentally in you. Our own president is wealthy and holds one of the strongest positions in the country and still even he has openly admitted to assaulting women. Oprah Winfrey is very wealthy, top of the class for african American women but yet and still even she was raped. Wealth does nothing but put you in a higher class in society it does not exclude you from being a victim or a predator. It does not exclude you from being human.

No one chooses whether they are assaulted or not. But, the predator makes the choice to hurt the victims that they do. Bill Cosby has admitted to drugging women and having “consensual sex” with them. How is it that someone can give consent while passed out from Benadryl? You can’t. I was a huge fan of the Cosby show growing up like so many other people but still that doesn’t take away from holding him accountable for the choices that he made. You have to separate Bill Cosby from his character on The Cosby Show. Society shouldn’t be able to pick and choose when a victim gets justice. Nor Should they judge people for telling their truth. Bill Cosby made the choices and should be held accountable no matter the time frame, looks of his victims or his status in society. Stop making excuses for people who knew the consequences and willingly made the decisions to affect someone else’s life.

Breaking The Silence

The encounter that took me to the past

As I was paying for my lunch today I heard someone call my name as I turned to see who it was I froze. Although I haven’t seen or heard from him since 2013 The voice was too familiar. I knew that voice but the persons image puzzled me. It was my step father, the man who tried having sex with me in 2011. He smiled said hey daughter I love you as he reached to hug me. I hugged him back because in that moment I felt that’s what I had to do what I needed to do based off his looks alone. Standing Looking at him he looked as if he was on his death-bed, weighing a mere maybe 90-100 pounds. When growing up I always knew him as this big stocky guy always weighing at least over 200 pounds. Now he’s smaller than me and that really took a tole on me. After he said goodbye to me I just sat in the car crying because I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. For so long I hated him and used to wish that I could tell him off for hurting me. But in seeing him today I only felt sorry for him and wanted to know what it was that was killing him (cancer, drugs? aids?). I want him to be held accountable for the things he’s done but I still don’t want to see him going out the way that he is and looking the way that he looks now. I’m unsure how I am supposed to feel about any of this, I want to be enraged but my caring heart won’t let me. And overtime I have learned that is my weakness I still care for people even after they have hurt me.

After the encounter I went to my mother’s house and cried in her arms because I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand why I still cared about this man, the man who tried forcing himself on me, The man who threatened to kill me and my mother and brother, The man who when I last spoke to him refereed to me as a “Skinny Bitch”. When in my mother’s arms she just held me until I gained my composure she said to me that I had to forgive him or it would consume me. As much as I’d like to disagree part of me knows she is right. So, I messaged Aldrick on Facebook and requested to set up a time and place to meet with him so that we could talk.

His response to my request was stand offish. He basically came up with every excuse in the book as to why he couldn’t have this talk with me. They varied from him working third shift all the way up to I didn’t invite him to my graduation. That part was funny to me and that was the Aldrick I knew the smart ass Aldrick always trying to get back at you, not the guy I ran into at the gas station.  I say the statement  ” You did not even invite me to your graduation, so that pretty much tells me everything”, was funny because I graduated in 2014. It is now going on 4 years that I have been out of school why bring it up now? Secondly, the last I saw him was in 2012 so why would I invite him to my graduation? He believes he’s entitled to things because he has the title of step father but he is no step father nor father figure and never has been.

This encounter with his brought back so many emotions for me. I was sad because I always wished things would have went differently. I was angry because he’s caused me so much pain. I also felt sorry for him. I still don’t know  what it is that’s wrong with him but I still care enough that I don’t want him looking that way. During the visit it was like he was his old self the one that we all loved. He laughed, and even introduced himself to my boyfriend and before leaving he even brought up an old story. Of course it’s one we both remember very differently but it was the fact that he remembered, the day he tried to teach me to drive. He still sounded like himself and still had that loud contagious laugh. The visit with him was one I dreaded for so long but I am glad that it happened because it went very smoothly.

Even with all that went on I wish I could still sit down with him and have a genuine talk. But after messaging back and forth I know it won’t happen in person. He stated that he would listen if I had things to say but that was it.  I gave him a time frame in which I hoped he would get back to me and let me know if he would be meeting with me or not he hasn’t gotten back to me. So, I will be sending him a message in detail of all the things I wanted to say in person with him.  I’ve been thinking maybe this way would be better anyways because seeing his image may yet again send me into a crying frenzy.

When I heard his voice call my name I froze and seeing his image  it was as if my mind went into over drive.  It wasn’t the fact of seeing my abuser it was the fact that he looked so ill.  Seeing him is something I had wanted for so long,  Being held accountable was something I had wished upon him for so long but in seeing him I wished I could take it all back. I wouldn’t wish bad on anyone not even my abuser’s because that’s just how I am as a person. My heart won’t let me hate anyone no matter how bad I wish I could and there have been so many that I wish I could gain a strong dislike for. It seems the people who hurt the most are those who care the most.In seeing my step father I just wanted to help him.I’m unsure if any other survivor has been in this same situation but I’ll tell you first hand it’s so confusing. Trying to be angry with someone but you can’t.

I have stated once before that I am attached to hurt because it’s all I have ever known. I guess I’m attached to my step father as well because he hurt me A lot! Although I used to  wish hate upon him I can’t anymore. At a certain point I stopped being enraged with the men who hurt so that I could rebuild myself. I wish that in some cases I could go back in time and fix their mistakes which in turn would fix me. But, life works in mysterious ways , always teaching us something in every obstacle we face. In this case I guess my lesson would be to finally let go. To let go of the hurt, the pain, the anger the sorrow, tell him how I feel so that I can finally forgive him and move on with my life and gain emotional stability in the process.  And that’s all I could hope for.

 

 

Breaking The Silence

#MeToo

The Me Too movement (or “#MeToo“, with local alternatives in other languages) is a movement against sexual harassment and assault. #MeToo spread virally in October 2017 as a hashtag used on social media to help demonstrate the widespread prevalence of sexual assault and harassment, especially in the workplace.” The MeToo movement is a movement that means so much to  me and so many other people because it gives us a chance to connect with other people who understand us as well as allows us to educate those around the world about sexual abuse.

To me the MeToo Movement gave me the courage to talk about my past. I realized that I was not alone, I wasn’t the only girl out there sexually abused. This meant that there was someone out there who could relate to me and understand the things I say and the way that I feel. #MeToo is powerful because it shows the world in numbers that sexual abuse and assault is a major issue.The MeToo movement has received a lot of publicity both good and bad. There are those that disagree with the movement and those that support it. Overall any controversy is good controversy because it stays important and by everyone talking about it, no one forgets it.

To me, MeToo says “we are here together with a story to tell and you will listen.” I want to and will soon share my story with the world.  In the months leading up to this I looked and searched for others like me and ended up finding a group. This MeToo group is a group of millions of people whom are just like me. In this group everyone supports one another and gives advice as to how to over come something that is associated with the past abuse. This MeToo movement helped me find a place where I finally fit in.

I don’t believe the media and the public truly understand how important this movement is to so many of us but I wish that could grasp that for once in our lives we feel at home. That for once in our lives we have people who relate to us and don’t judge us by our past but help in aiding our healing process. They don’t understand how it feels to finally be encouraged to tell your story because you finally realize that you aren’t alone and that someone will listen.

I am hopeful that the MeToo movement doesn’t end but gets bigger. Big enough that the world has no choice but to listen and do something about the wrong doing to women all across the world. I wish for a second people could feel the pain, the hurt that so many of us have been faced with everyday. Lastly, I wish that everyone could understand us and all of the things we have had to go through. Most people don’t like the MeToo movement because it’s something that we all know is going on in the world but no one likes to talk about it. The truth is often a hard pill to swallow. The MeToo movement is that pill for the world because in ignoring it people don’t have to deal with the consequences caused by abuse. In accepting the movement means that people who aren’t victims have the potential of being held accountable when they don’t do anything. People fear doing something because of what others may think.  No one likes to go against the grain. Truth is whether they accept us or not We are here to stay, Our voices have been woken up from the pits of the past and we have lots to say I just pray the world listens.

My life has been torn between abuse after abuse after abuse.  I am now 22-year-old and just now able to begin working on rebuilding myself from my past. My dream is to one day succeed in my career as a victim advocate specializing in abuse because I want to help as many people as I can over come obstacles and not be consumed by the things they have been through. I want to accomplish my goal so that I can go out and help as many people as I can. So, that I can sit each and every one of them down and say ; ” I made it and so can you.”” Your life matters, You are not your past” If they ask how I know my response would be “MeToo!”

Breaking The Silence, Letters From A Pedophile

Letters from a pedophile Pt. 4

After the last letter that Tevrous sent I read his letter and his lies and wrote him back naming every name of every person that I and many others know he assaulted.  He can deny having done them to those people but pain doesn’t lie. This letter was his response to me. Attached with the letter he sent a card he made and drew as an apology to me.

 

Jade,

Look I know I fucked up but it’s not 4 people me and (His step sister) never did a thing we just acted like we did.  Who is this other person you are talking about because I don’t know anyone by that name? The girl I’m locked up for lied about how old she was and I never knew her real age and she knew I was 21 and had a baby by me. So, that’s why I’m locked up. She sent a letter to the judge saying she was sorry for lying on me but I’m still locked up because she was young but I didn’t hurt her. I never lied to you all I wanted was to make my past go away. I’m mot saying because it happened to me  and I did it to people that it makes it right. No. I used to think fuck the world and  I would make them feel my pain but one day I opened my eyes and said fight back.  I was never trying to hurt no one.  I beat him up because he was a white supremacist . Him and his white friends were going around saying ” fuck black people and fuck y’all nigger bitch”. So, yes I feel good for beating him up. So, I will keep it 100 with you the first time you wrote me I knew what it was about just wish I could go back in time to fix it. But at the end of the day i have to live with what I did so just let me show you I’m sorry for hurting you. Tell me how I can make it better for you so you can know I’m sorry for real. Just tell me if I can have you back in  my life.  Please know that I am truly sorry. My words and actions are to follow what is in my heart.

-Tevrous Bomer

My response/ Reaction:

This letter like the others he asks about having me back in his life, which no matter how many times I see it i will never be okay with that.  As I stated once before he’s writing to me as if I were his lover not his cousin or the person he sexually abused. I personally don’t believe he feels sorry for the things he did. This letter I haven’t responded to yet part of me just wants to be done with the letters now because they are getting me nowhere. I know of 5 females he assaulted all at a very young age and he can’t or won’t even admit to it. The first sentence sounds like b.s.  You don’t “act like” you’re doing something like having sex  especially not as a child. I witnessed actions taking place and on top of that I was told by another victim at the time of the abuse that it was happening to them too.  I initially set out to only write 5 letters and after receiving 5 letters if I had not gotten the outcome I wanted then I would end the communication and cut all ties. If I do respond to this letter it would be short and straight to the point. I may just list every name over and over again as well as the relation to him and be done. Or I may just write how what he did to me affected my life and still affects my life 22 years later. I want to tell him these things but, I don’t want the way I feel to only be turned and twisted into a sick love game for him. At this point I haven’t decided how I will be responding, guess I’ll just give it some time for me to think it over.

Breaking The Silence

Blinding Love

For so long I have been troubled by love. Love is so beautiful yet can also be so hard. I’ve seen from experience and watching others that love can be what brings two people together and also be what tears them apart. When you’re in love you often become blind to the things occurring around you my question is why?

My first time seeing this was just by me watching my mother. My mom is one of those people who fall hard very quickly. Once she’s in love with someone they can do no wrong. My mom has had some good and bad taste in men. My step father being one of the bad. After finding he had cheated on her, threatened to kill us and tried to have sex with me my mother took back her boyfriend at the time.  Eventually they became more than boyfriend and girlfriend as he asked her to marry him and she said yes. At the time she was blinded because she was being loved. Loved by someone she loved and wanted to grow with and because of that she was blind to everything he did. I believe she just didn’t want to accept the things he had done because that would mean losing being loved and her being alone. So there are people who become attached to the thought of someone loving them and block out anything else that doesn’t fit in their perfect bubble. No matter how real it may or may not be some people just want to be loved.

From experience I can say I have been blinded by what I felt was love. My reasoning being slightly different than my mothers though. I have loved only two people who I have dated and only been in love once. The first guy I fell in love with was my best friend and then he became my highschool sweetheart. I was so in love I was blinded by him doing wrong to me. We had physical altercations at one point and we made up and  continued on as if everything was fine. We would argue then he’d come back and apologize and I’d take him back. It had become a revolving circle with us. 4 years revolving and I stuck around. 4 years of happiness, then pain and the cycle would start over again. I loved him because he gave  me my first experience of love and I know no matter how bad of terms we are on I can go to him and he will listen. He’s always been around and been a good a friend no matter what.

The 2nd guy was different from my highschool sweet heart he was older and wiser but it seemed I was more serious than he was about our relationship being something serious. Unlike my highschool sweetheart he did play more mind games. He toyed with my emotions really. Him being someone not drawn by emotions he never really understood how I felt especially when he told me that we would be temporary.  We “dated” for somewhat of a year but it never really went anywhere because we were always on different pages. We both wanted it to work and loved one another but could never get on the same page at the same time. So, I settled for having him as a friend and taking things slowly which seemed to push him in the opposite direction. From there we really just became friends with benefits. Which I learned was a bad idea because he became the guy to unintentionally rape me when I said no to having sex with him. After all the mind games, back and forth and rape I still for some reason loved this person and wanted to be with this man. We had probably been through more in a year’s time than me and my high School sweet heart had in the 4 years we had been together. Crazy thing  is I  will probably always have love for him even with all that we have been through. Whether he feels the same or not, you just cant stop loving someone, because you want to especially when the love is real.

From my personal experience I have learned that I too was blinded by love. Not just because it was someone who was around to love me but because I’m connected to hurt. My life has been nothing but pain so hurt is all that I have gotten to know. It feels great to be loved by someone but when you go through so much together you become blinded by the history and the connection of pain between the two of you. So, my questions are how do you distinguish between real love and what you want to be love? How do you not become so in love with someone that you’re blinded by all the wrong that they do? Is it even possible?

Breaking The Silence

Inevitable Relasp

Depression is like a drug that your body and mind have become addicted to but instead of it being some narcotic you become addicted to a feeling. The feeling of pain and sorrow. Well, at least that’s how its been for me. For the most part I manage my life to revolve around my depression. But, other times it’s as if everything is out of my control and depression takes over for a few days or a few weeks, sometimes even months. Depression hits me and it becomes hard to shake, so it sticks around and progresses until I can no longer take it and decide that I want out.

The only issue is trying to break up with depression is it’s almost impossible. There are a couple of ways to deal with depression. The first that is pushed for is medication. There are so many types of medication to choose from, but medication doesn’t always work, especially with someone who hasn’t had any treatment and depression isn’t caught early on. I’ve had depression since I was an adolescent and when I asked for help at the age of 9 I didn’t get it. At the age of 20 is when I began taking pills. I was prescribed Zoloft for my depression and it didn’t work for me. Medication made me less emotional, but didn’t help with the thoughts and feelings. It actually made them get stronger. While on zoloft the feelings and suicidal thoughts I had before hand were more pressing. At one  point I had to talk myself out of driving off a bridge. It was a thought I’d had before but never actually acted on it. It was as if the Medication had given me the courage to do What I could never do before, end my life. I didn’t like that at all, and eventually I stopped taking those pills. For me the medicine didn’t help maybe it was just the brand of pills or the fact that before 20 Id never had any help with my mental illness, either way it wasn’t for me.

Another option which was offered to me was counseling. I was fearful at first, the thought of talking to someone who I don’t even know about my life scared me. I couldn’t talk with anyone else at the time but a boyfriend and he could only help so much, so I agreed to the counseling. My first session at the office was my last at the office. I went in and the lady was really sweet and made me feel comfortable. She just asked me questions about my life and we briefly talked before she told me that she wanted to continue the sessions and keep me on the pills my doctor prescribed. After leaving there I ended up joining a network online were I could video chat with a counselor or write to them and they’d give me advice. All professionals were licensed and I chose who I wanted to speak with. One of the doctors was such a great help to me because it seemed he really listened to me and offered me a new alternative.

The alternative  I have been offered was Emdr therapy. Emdr  ( Eye movement desensitization reprocessing)  is a process that helps people with trauma. Emdr Can be done by yourself or with a professional. I never got to do the Emdr but I think I may still try. I’m unsure how effective it is but it’s worth a shot.

With all the treatments to be offered it seems they are just that a treatment not a complete fix. For me, at least I haven’t found my cure for the sunken place of depression. I wish that I could come across the answer. Until then I guess I’ll be stuck with the  doom days that seem they’ll never end. I’m still searching and willing to try something new especially if it’ll help me.

What treatments have you taken up to help cope with your depression?

Breaking The Silence

Suziee Speaks!

Suziee Speaks to me is deeper than just being words, deeper than just a phrase, and deeper than just being a title. I thought long and hard about what I wanted my blogging name to be and what I wanted people to know me as. After thinking long and hard one day I fell asleep and when I woke its was as if I had all the answers. Suziee Speaks stuck out to me and was the only name I couldn’t get out of my mind.

Suziee isn’t my government name, it’s a nickname given to me by one of my cousins when we were close. My real name being Jade, growing up I always hated that my name was so short. For some reason I still always had to correct people on its pronunciation. “Jada, Jewel, or Joy” were a few of the wrong names I’d been called over the years. For a summer I went to Tennessee and while there my cousins gave me the nickname suziee and from then on out that’s what I have been to everyone, Suziee!

Suziee to me is like an alter ego. It gives me a chance to be Someone different. If you’ve ever met me then you know I’m  quiet and reserved and stick to myself or the people I know. Suziee, I like to think of as the more open side of me though. Less reserved and more fun.

Speaks at the end of Suziee speaks is just as important to me. I specifically chose both words. I chose speaks because I am opening up and telling my story. I am talking. I am doing something I haven’t done before and that’s opening up to people I don’t even know. I don’t talk to everyone so people don’t know me nor understand me, I figured it’s time I changed that.

With me being so reserved and quiet I decided that me opening up I needed a name that represented that. Suziee Speaks is actually an ironic name to me. It’s the opposite of what everyone is used to getting from me. People who know me are used to me shying away from the spotlight and not saying much. Most people who know me will say I am quiet, which is true unless I’m comfortable around you.

All in All Suziee Speaks represents me using my voice. It represents me breaking out of my shell and letting loose. Suziee Speaks is me using my “alter ego”, my fun more open side and turning it into something positive.The name itself is encouraging, because for so long I was in a shell afraid to just be me. In this process I have found myself, and my voice and I’m ready to use it!!!

What’s your alter ego go to name?