Wake up, world topics

With Scoliosis comes Strength!

“Our spines can’t define us, no matter what degree it’s at”. Often times I don’t think people realize how fortunate they are. People joke about scoliosis but unless you suffer from scoliosis you can’t grasp how severe the pain of Scoliosis can actually be. I’ve always had back pain and for so long no one could tell me why. I tried physical therapy, pain medications, back braces, back  massages but at the end of the day I was still always in pain. Pain so severe that for a while I didn’t sleep because I couldn’t. For me my scoliosis is only minor compared to many others I was fortunate enough not to have to have surgery to correct the curve that’s in my spine.

I hear people mentioning Scoliosis on songs and in jokes but scoliosis is more than just having a curved spine. Scoliosis can be walking with a limp because one of your hips is higher than the other. Scoliosis can be not being able to stand up straight or like me trying to use correct posture but you can’t and it only hurts you more. Scoliosis can be having to sleep with a pillow between your legs to take the stress off of your back while you sleep. Scoliosis can be not being able to stand, sit or lie down for long periods of time.

For me Scoliosis is a hassle to live with on a daily basis. There are treatment options,but there is no cure. Some days I wake up and I am fine. Yet, other days I wake up with my back muscles aching, so bad that often times it hurts to stretch. Having to sit for long periods of time or stand for long periods of time is something that I just can’t do so I switch in between them both to limit the strain I put on my back.

The last I checked which was a few years ago the degree of my Scoliosis was only at 20%. I have a C shaped curve in my spine, which curves to the left at the top of my spine near my shoulder blades. So, most of my pain is felt on the upper right portion of my back as it’s pulling. 1 of my hips is slightly higher than the other, but you wouldn’t know unless I told you. So when walking or standing I do walk on my tip toes. The least effective treatment for me was physical therapy as I’d come in pain and leave in even more pain having to be iced down each time before I left. I did the exercises the stretches but the pain never stopped. When it came to taking pain medication the medications either suppressed some of the pain for a moment or did nothing at all. So, on most days I am in pain.

Now my case is only 1 of many. My case is also minor compared to some of the people with this diagnosis. My C curve is only in one portion of my spine. There are people out there with a S-shaped curve which is exactly what it sounds like a S-shaped curve in their spine. These more severe cases of scoliosis results in the person(s) having to get surgery so that they can be able to do normal activities like; walking. There are people who can’t take off their brace as it’s what’s helping them stand up correctly. My scoliosis is only minor compared to some of the cases out there but the pain I endure is devastating. If my 20 degree Curve can cause that much pain imagine what someone at 30 or 50 or 100% goes through on a daily basis.

Scoliosis isn’t a topic that gets discussed on the regular but it should. As there are people out there unable to enjoy their daily lives because of their condition. People take the simple things for granted everyday like being able walk, run stand up straight and just enjoy their life without any worries. There are some people who have never gotten the chance to do “the simple things” because their scoliosis hinders them from being able to do so. So, the next time you hear someone making fun of someone for having scoliosis ask them how often do they wake up in pain? How often are they unable to sleep because there back is having a spasm? How often do they have too stop doing an activity because the pain becomes too severe? People with Scoliosis fight a physical battle everyday with their own body do you? Or the next time you see someone who looks a little different because they walk with a limp or are hunched over due to a curve in their spine don’t hassle them or give them a hard time. We have a lot that we already deal with on a daily basis don’t add to it.

To anyone suffering from Scoliosis you are not alone and no matter how the world may perceive you, you are strong. The curve of your spine does not deter you, it’s merely another obstacle to conquer. You defeat odds everyday by being 1 in a every 40 in the fight against Scoliosis. You still being here another day says your strength can not be matched, and you win because you made it through yesterday! You endured and conquered! I hope one-day we can say my Scoliosis is gone. June is Scoliosis awareness month so, Help me in raising awareness to scoliosis!

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

Cosby Controversy

Bill Cosby was given the guilty verdict with 3 counts of aggravated indecent assault against Andrea Constand. The way the public has taken this and twisted it is sickening. In reading the comments left by people of society, I have to disagree with vast majority of them. The comments that were left only furthers reasoning for people not wanting to speak out on their abuse.

Majority of the people were asking ” if it’s true why did the women wait so long to speak out?” The part that got me here was the “if”. Sexual assault isn’t something to play around with, why someone would lie about being victimized is beyond me. But to answer everyone’s question Andrea Constad went to the police in 2005 filing a case against him but due to insufficient credible and admissible evidence the district attorney decided not to press criminal charges. Andrea Constand then filed a civil suit, the case was settled out of court in 2006. This brought more of his accusers out resulting in Andrea Constand’s case being reopened and his records unsealed. She was assaulted in 2004 and spoke up in 2005 the courts waited so long to bring his case to trial, it wasn’t his accusers. Secondly, I’d like to point out if you are a victim to any form of abuse you become traumatized and hurt and talking about being assaulted is probably one of the hardest things to do. It took me 17 years to openly be able to speak on abuse that happened when I was 5 years old. It takes time to heal and be able to be comfortable enough to tell your story especially with the world that we live in today. People get criticized every day for telling their story; the truth. Even with telling their truth there’s no guarantee that the abusers will even be charged. You have to learn to look at things from a different perspective than your own. Think outside the box sometimes. If it had been you who were assaulted would you think the same?

Another common comment left was one that I felt was ignorant. It stated “why would he assault “ugly women” when he worked with such beautiful women on his show.” The way you look has nothing to do with someone assaulting you. I was 5 when my abuse began. 5 meaning undeveloped and a child at the time and that didn’t stop me or many people whom have a story like me from being abused. Beauty doesn’t determine if you will or will not be raped it just isn’t logical. A predator will go after anyone, some people just happen to be luckier than others because they aren’t assaulted. If looks determined everything then children wouldn’t be victims.

Another comment and misconception was that because Cosby was wealthy he didn’t rape those women. If you are wealthy that doesn’t mean that you’re incapable of doing what is mentally in you. Our own president is wealthy and holds one of the strongest positions in the country and still even he has openly admitted to assaulting women. Oprah Winfrey is very wealthy, top of the class for african American women but yet and still even she was raped. Wealth does nothing but put you in a higher class in society it does not exclude you from being a victim or a predator. It does not exclude you from being human.

No one chooses whether they are assaulted or not. But, the predator makes the choice to hurt the victims that they do. Bill Cosby has admitted to drugging women and having “consensual sex” with them. How is it that someone can give consent while passed out from Benadryl? You can’t. I was a huge fan of the Cosby show growing up like so many other people but still that doesn’t take away from holding him accountable for the choices that he made. You have to separate Bill Cosby from his character on The Cosby Show. Society shouldn’t be able to pick and choose when a victim gets justice. Nor Should they judge people for telling their truth. Bill Cosby made the choices and should be held accountable no matter the time frame, looks of his victims or his status in society. Stop making excuses for people who knew the consequences and willingly made the decisions to affect someone else’s life.

Wake up

Misjudged

“Those who judge will never understand and those who understand will never judge” We live in a world where you are judged for being yourself and praised for trying to be like everyone else. We live in a world where people feel they know you based off of what the next person told them about you. Whether you know it to be true or false won’t matter. As stated in the bible “the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” Everyone starts rumors without thinking and speaks without knowing. Before you know it who you really are will no longer be how you are perceived to the world, they’ll see you as the person that everyone else portrayed you out to be.

I’m sure everyone has had moments in their life where they were misjudged by someone who really knew nothing about them. Well, I have been misjudged my entire life, and a few of those moments stick with me the most. When people don’t know everything about you, they make up stories to fill in the blanks. I guess that part is my fault though? I keep to myself to avoid drama and becoming attached to the wrong people. I’ve changed how I went about dealing with people and opened up, just becoming an open book as well. But, both of these things were still met with rumors, and judgment. I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t win. No matter how far you’ve come and what you accomplish or who you are there will always be someone who won’t like you for you. Because of that stories are made up, rumors are spread and before you know it you aren’t who you’re supposed to be.

Growing up I have been victim to being misjudged by those who never even took the time out to get to know me. I have always been a quiet person and kept my life and personal   business to myself but that isn’t normal in society. People believe they have the right to know everything about you and when they don’t, they create stories to fill in the unknown.

Living in Arizona most of my life put me in a total culture shock when I moved back to Tennessee. I had been to 2 high schools prior to going to this one. When I arrived I for the most part kept to myself I spoke to people but overall I kept to myself because that’s always been me. Being used to moving around a lot you try not to get attached to people, so I didn’t. Everyone knew I was the new girl and not from around here but no one knew me, and honestly they still don’t. But, because they didn’t know me people decided they wouldn’t like me. To this day it’s people I have never spoken to a day in my life that just do  not like me because of something someone else told them.

Each day I kept to myself unless given a reason to do other wise. Rumors had been spread. I had a guy come up to me one day and ask about my three kids that someone stated I had. My senior year in high school I had a boyfriend and still for the most part kept to myself and out-of-the-way. Even with me trying to distance myself from being judged no matter what it still seemed to follow and people sill talked. I Had someone start a rumor that I didn’t like a girl that I actually  considered as a friend. They also stated that I was  basically saying bad things about this girl, someone who I had never had an issue with and because word of mouth and opinions matter more to people than facts she believed them and had begun to dislike me because of it. The only reason I knew any of this was even happening is because someone came up to me and asked me why I was saying all these things and by the time I had tried correcting it, the damage had been done.   I’d say the most irritating  part about things was that I still don’t even know who started those rumors and no one ever bothered to even see if I was true. Popular opinion, it wins every time!

Another time I was misjudged by rumors  is one that will probably stick with me for a while because of all the things people can make up this was one they should have kept. A rumor that I had been sleeping around with someone I considered as family had been started after I had broken up with a boyfriend for cheating on me. The rumor came from someone in his family and a new friend of his.  I’d say of all the things that have been said about me in my life that is the most hurtful. It’s hurtful because as a survivor of abuse I have to be connected with people on an emotional level to even become intimate and older men is something I always steer away from because they remind me of my past. Of course they didn’t know that but that doesn’t excuse the rumor. Another reason that hurt me was because I have been around these people for 5 years and have never even looked at anyone the way I did my boyfriend at the time, especially not family.  I’m the type of person  that if we are dating any and everyone who comes on to me I will tell you about as well. This was another rumor that no only affected me, my life and relationships with people but also affected the lives of other people around me.

I have learned a lot in my 22 years of life, lessons that most people may never learn.  I have learned that no matter how much people claim to like you they will still judge you. I have learned that rumors are usually started by bitter people who are unhappy with their own lives, and want you to feel the same. When it comes to rumors I know the truth, if people care about you like they say then they’ll always come to you for clarity. I have learned that rumors tell you a lot about people and who you can and can’t trust. Rumors are just words, they can’t hurt you they can only make you stronger because other people’s opinion doesn’t determine who you are as a person, as long as you remain true to yourself.

We live in a world where everyone feels its their right to know everything about your life. Family, Friends, Peers, neighbors and society ; Everyone wanting to see who you are and what you are about. No one wants the next person to be better than them so they dilute the image you’ve made for yourself. That isn’t right. You shouldn’t have to work hard to establish yourself just to have that tarnished by someone who probably doesn’t even know you. I wrote  This is for those people who like me have been misjudged and had rumors spread about them throughout their life. Who you are as a person matters and you should not let what other people think change that. Maybe one day they’ll understand that the words they speak and the rumors they start affects everyone around them. Just Stay true to yourself!

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

No means No?

The Global Rape prevention organization stated, “We believe the key to ending the global rape epidemic is to empower both girls and boys to create a culture of mutual respect.” No Means No, was a mission set out to help decrease the high percentage of rape. Colleges used the slogan and most have changed it to be Yes means Yes. I’m on the fence about both of these to be honest, both to me won’t prevent all rapes from happening. Isn’t the point in a movement to make a change?Trying to decrease the high percentage of rapes is a good start but to me it isn’t enough, the goal should be to seize them all together. Ultimately No means No and Yes means Yes will not do it.

I may get people looking at me side ways for this but, Question How many times have you told someone No and they didn’t listen? How many times have you told your son, daughter little sister brother or anyone in general and they still did or took what you said after you said not to? No means No is a great campaign but No alone won’t stop everyone. Some people have gone their entire lives getting anything they have ever wanted from family, friends maybe even the public. My point is everyone won’t grasp the concept of No especially if it’s not what they are used to. Does that give them the right to rape No of course not but No alone will not work. If the word “No” worked there wouldn’t be a high percentage of rape because the word No alone would prevent the act from happening.

I say this because I know first hand that saying no doesn’t save you. In my childhood I have said no and the molestation still occurred. In my Adulthood I have also been a victim. I’ve only discussed this with 2 people a very close friend and the person who did it. Discussing it with him I don’t believe he really grasped the concept of what he did to me. November 30, 2017 a date I’ll never forget. A guy I had been dating took me out to eat, afterwards we went back to a spot that we often hung out at to be secluded from everyone else. We had sexual encounters here before but not always. This day I just wanted to eat and go home. I was tired and wasn’t feeling well and was just ready to leave. He overly insisted on me staying. We were talking having a regular conversation and he got aroused, I’m unsure if he had been drinking or not but he was very aggressive that day. He had become overly excited and aggressive. It had only been 4 days since we last had sex, 4!!! He began trying to pull at my leggings as I tried to leave. I was pushing him off of me, but that didn’t work. He pulled my leggings down, I’d pull them up. I said no, several times. He laughed. I was serious in these moments, it was all as if it were a game to him. It seemed to get him off even more because he got more aggressive. He took over, managed to get them down, at this point I said no with his name. He ignored. Tears filled up my eyes and I sucked it up, just kept thinking it won’t take long. He turned me so that I faced the desk, I stared at the wall. He penetrated me, His hand sitting firmly in the middle of my back. He talked during, which was a usual thing for him. But, this time was different. He was more aggressive and very forceful. Staring at the wall I got to thinking about my childhood. Yet again I had come to face what seemed to be the inevitable for me. Another man in my life, hurting me. After finishing I sat in the chair before cleaning myself up, he seemed kind of happy to have released himself though. But me, I was sad, confused and all I wanted to do was go.

After the incident I didn’t know what to do honestly so many thoughts filled my head. Who can I talk to? Where can I go? I went to a close friend’s house and didn’t’ say anything for a while I sat trying to pretend everything was okay. But, he could see on my face that something was bothering me. Apparently, my mouth does this twitchy thing when I’m troubled. So, I went to my notepad in my phone and wrote out what had happened, because I couldn’t say it. We sat there crying together his more fueled by rage and not being able to defend me. The only thing I kept repeating was ” I told him no, and he didn’t listen.” He asked if he knew what he actually did, my answer was I don’t know. I learned later that week that he knew something was off. In a conversation via text he said that during intercourse he could feel that I was tighter than usual and I wasn’t as aroused, he could feel the difference. He also said, he could see on my face that something was wrong and when I sat in the chair I sat down as if it were a chore that I had just completed, but he didn’t say anything. He waited for me to. come to him and even then I don’t think he grasped the seriousness of that incident. From that day on I have been distant with him and we don’t or haven’t really discussed what went on. The thing that bothered me the most after the incident is that I still loved this person who took advantage of me. I wanted to be able to instantly stop loving him, I wanted to hate him but I couldn’t. That night He took away my power, and most importantly he didn’t listen when I said no and No was reiterated more than once. I said no along with his name and that didn’t work. I fought with him to keep my clothes up and that didn’t work. That moment took me back to my childhood. I sunk that night, I waited for it to be over, waited to go home. That night I held back tears.I try not to let to those incidents linger in my mind but the truth is they will. Saying No, didn’t save me and I repeated it over and over. In 2016, the total number of rape cases stood at about 96,000. Of those 96,000 how many of them do you think said no? Think about it, if someone is trying to take something you say no. 96,000 people’s voice didn’t stop them from being victims. No, won’t save everyone from being taken advantage of, Saying No alone won’t prevent rapes, Saying No just won’t cut it.

Yes means Yes is basically a firm form of consent to sex. This is similar to No means No but is better to me to a certain extent. Yet, ultimately I still believe it isn’t effective enough. This is a great campaign in college as students are known to drink, and party. This gives you the option to say yes I want to have sex with you, which is fine. But my question is what happens if you change your mind? If you give full consent in the beginning but you change your mind half way through what happens? We have seen that the word No isn’t firm enough to make everyone less horny or less aggressive, so what do you do? There’s alcohol in play and you have already consented to sex, you then chang your mind and say no. Some people will stop. But, that guy or that girl who has alcohol in their system, They’ve been partying, they’re aroused and ready at your go ahead. So, you tell them no stop, but they’ve been drinking and become aggressive. What do you do? Everyone changes their mind about something at some point so what do you do when you already said yes and now you mean No?

Sex isn’t a complicated matter. I believe a No should be firm enough to mean No. But, As a society what do we do when it isn’t. I have told you my story. In 2016, just 2 years ago 96,000 people had 1 just like mine. We said no and no one listened. No means No was a great start but, it won’t end rape. Neither will Yes means Yes because we are consenting to have intercourse and even if we change our mind that doesn’t guarantee the person will stop. If you ask me, you’re consenting to your own rape. Maybe I am wrong. But, 1 thing I know for sure is that Words alone won’t stop rape. Words alone don’t stop a thief from stealing out of a store, so how can we expect a rapist; someone who is driven by sex mentally and physically to Stop when we say No?

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

Letters from a Pedophile Pt. 3

In my previous letter to Tevrous I ended it asking him 6 questions, he answered them in this 3rd letter to me.

Jade,
Look I know I fucked up but didn’t take advantage of it I was doing what people did to me. I was too young and dumb to catch on to them . So, I know how you feel right now. See people think only women can get hurt but men can too. My little brother big cousin Eric used to rape me in the 90’s. I was so fucked up My mind was not right. I tried to get over it I was like 10 or 11 in 99 I moved back to Tennessee. So one day me Kevin and his big cousin Howard T was out having fun it was getting late so we dropped Kevin off at home. Howard t. Was like we can go to his house to get weed and I was like OK. So we go in and I can never forget it. He asked me if I needed a drink but after I downed it I passed out what he put in it I don’t know. So don’t think you are alone. I never got help because I was afraid of what people would think of me.so I took it out on you. I’m sorry for real jade. I was reading this book called longing to tell by Tricia rose read it if u think I’m lying I feel like shit if you like i can send u my book. I don’t live the street life no more I’m tired of shooting people and beating people up. That was my life because this all I believe in. I’m in the nation of Islam now I’m trying To do good in my life. If we never talk when i get home i will never let no body hurt u. I just want us to be cool. How did u get my name and number? The only reason i ask for your number is because i hate writing and I fucked my hand up beating this guy face in. But for you i will write.

1. Why did you do it? : Because I was fucked up in the head i was thinking it was right because it happened to me so i did.
2. How many people have you hurt?: If u don’t believe me only 2 people
3) Do you think you were wrong? : Yes I do look back at it yes i wish i can redo my life and make things right.
4) What have you learned from this? : To think first before i act out because lots of people can be hurt by what i do.
5) Do you think you’ll do it again? :Hell no because I know right from wrong.
6) What are your plans when you get out of prison? : To be a better son, father, brother, husband, and help my pops get this business off and ran the right way. I put all that gang bang shit behind me now.

1. How can I show you I’m a different person now?
2. I wish you would come see me so you can see the hurt in my eyes

Tevrous Bomer

My Reaction:

Reading this letter I kind of laughed to myself because this letter was very hypocritical to me. I didn’t need time to sit and think before responding to this letter at all. In his letter like most he throws out his alliance to Islam and Allah and that he wants to change. But, he then goes on to say he beat a guys face in. How does that make you changed or better in any way? He answered 6 questions that I previously asked him. Of those only 1 of them was most important to me. Question #2 How many people have you hurt? His answer was 2. I asked him questions to see if I would get the correct answer, I sent off the letter giving him the benefit of doubt and hoping that he would. Sadly, he did not. Maybe he “forgot”. I like most people know of 4 people including myself which were victimized by him. And I made sure to let him know that I knew that in my response to him.

I know that both men and women are subject to abuse. Most men don’t speak on their encounter because of fear of how people will judge them. Do I believe he was abused? Honestly, I am not sure. It wouldn’t surprise me at all but that doesn’t give him the right to continue the cycle. I hope that story wasn’t a lie too. If he was abused that helps me better understand why he did the things he did, still doesn’t make them right,

The other 5 questions I asked were merely to see where he stood on his actions and how he planned to change them. In question 5 I asked if he believed he would do it again. His answer was Hell No because he knows right from wrong. That too I believe was a lie. I say that because in previous letters he has gone to show over expression of love for me even admitting to being in love with 5-year-old me. He knows right from wrong but doesn’t know that it isn’t okay to be in love with your cousin, or to love me the way that he does. Truth is, I believe he will get parole and he will eventually hurt someone else. I think he may try to find me, because his attachment is sickening.

In question 6 I asked him what his plans were after being released from prison. His response was ;to be a better son, father, brother, husband, and help my pops get this business off and ran the right way. I put all that gang bang shit behind me now. Do I believe this?, yes and no. He may come out level-headed with the mind-set of I’m going to this and that but get out and things be totally different. If you take someone out of the environment that they are used to living in then they change and they adapt to the new environment. If he gets out and goes back to live with his father like he is planning then he won’t succeed. I know this because that is where he began abusing people and that is where they looked the other way with this behavior. They still think so highly of him, even still have his pictures up around the home. To them he didn’t deserve time for what he did. To them Tevrous should be home and no one should have anything to say about it. That way is wong and to that I disagree. I think if he does get parole he shouldn’t come back to Tennessee, he should stay in Michigan and seclude himself. Will it happen?, I don’t think so He is a pedophile and pedophilia has no cure.

In conclusion, this letter of the 3 thus far brought the least amount of emotions out of me. This letter didn’t make me cry. This letter didn’t make me sad. This letter honestly didn’t even make me angry. It just made me be like, Okay. I had merely no emotion after this letter, I read it and immediately knew what I needed and wanted to say back to him. I believe I sparked a little anger when he read my letter to him because he responded different from he did in the first 2 letters. He got  defensive asking how I got any of his information? I know I poked a few buttons by asking questions too….Moving forward I am hoping to gain more answers from him though.

To answer his 2 questions :

1. How can I show you I’m a different person now? :

My Response: He shouldn’t want to change for someone else he should want to do it for himself that is what matters. And He can’t claim he is changing and better and for Allah and still be doing things like beating people up or being okay with telling me he is in love with me or my 5-year-old self.
2. I wish you would come see me so you can see the hurt in my eyes

My response: I won’t be visiting him. After the second letter all thoughts of visiting flew out the window. His letters seem like he was reminiscing or fantasizing. At this point I don’t want him knowing what I look like right now. If he never gets out of prison, meaning his parole is shot down and his sentence is extended to exceed his life expectancy then I will visit him. If I ever visit him I definitely won’t go alone. I will take My eldest brother, whom is a sergeant in the military. He has been so supportive in this journey for me. He has already stated if I go he will go with me. So, the offer is always open. But, for right now we won’t be seeing face to face. ” To see The hurt in my eyes” That there I must say did make me laugh. I laughed because I don’t think he understands hurt. If we traded places my hurt would definitely exceed his. He doesn’t hurt because he is still reminiscing on the sick things he did and his affection for me is still sickening. I say my hurt  is greater because what he did to me as a child has affected me my entire life I am 22 years old, 22 and still don’t sleep when I am alone at night because I fear someone is coming in the middle of the night to hurt me. I am 22 and I have had depression since I was a kid because I beat myself up everyday wondering why my cousin chose to abuse me. That’s just to name a few.

The 3rd letter was simple and to the point, I’m curious to know if I steered up any more emotions from him in my last letter to him. I am sure I will find out soon, he is very quick to respond. Guess we will see how things unfold in letter number 4.

Breaking The Silence, Letters From A Pedophile, Wake up

Letter from A pedophile pt. 2

Jade,
Was up girl how are you doing why have you not wrote me a letter back. I hope we can be family again never be afraid to ask me anything. I’m here for you.just send me your number so I can call you, you have been on my mind now so tell me the real how are you for real. Tell me you’re a strong black woman. How is our relationship going to be. Now i intend to be the best so can i have a chance at making you happy for once in life. I have a lot of things to tell u. I was so in love with you girl was i wrong for loving you so much? Please hit me back. I know its things on your mind. Just like it’s on my mind. I want to start my day knowing we are ok and getting our goals out the way. But i understand if you hate me, i don’t want you to hate me if you do. When i come home i need you by my side because at the end of the day we are family and i need your support too, not money i have that but love i promise to never hurt you again but i feel sorry for the nigga who try to. How old are you now? and can you send me your birthday so i can keep up with it. My only concern is getting right with Allah and you so teach me the way. And don’t be stubborn. I always loved you and i cant lose you my heart is yours jade. love you

Love always tevrous bomer
Write me back

This letter was the second letter I received from him and I had not even replied to the first letter. Looking in the mail I honestly didn’t want to read it but curiosity got the best of me. I thought, I didn’t reply to him so what is he writing me about. Not even a month after the first letter he had sent this one. He didn’t send it himself though another inmate sent it off for him. I know because the name and number on the outside of the envelope weren’t his own. I opened the letter and read the first few sentences and a rage grew over me. How dare him, I thought. He doesn’t even know me or anything about me.I began to go over in my head the things I wanted to say to him. I am a very strong Black Woman but, him saying it irritated every nerve that I have. To me it was something he shouldn’t say because he hurt me. Reading the first letter I was like okay this may not be so bad, but this letter made me want to give up. He said that he was in love with me. Me?, A 5-year-old child at the time. We are 9 years apart, how? I tried to comprehend the way he thought. Tried to understand but I can’t.

This letter was the eye opener for me. This letter helped me realize that I wanted to study Psychology and become a victim advocate. I say this was the determining factor for me to choose psychology over social work because this letter was written by someone who thinks of me as someone I am not. He wrote to me as if we are in love. Not as if he had hurt me. That made me feel sorry for him because I realized he would never understand how wrong that is. The way that he thinks isn’t normal, it’s far from it. It’s a sad reality.

Everyone that I let read this letter was angry or sad. My older brother just kept apologizing to me as if it were his fault. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, that doesn’t change a thing. I want people to realize how they feel when they read the letters doesn’t compare to the emotions it causes me. I want people to understand how serious this is. I want people to read these letters or hear my story and want to make a difference. Don’t just say you’re sorry try to save someone else from being abused, change their lives. I have been through this, don’t let anyone else.

My response to this letter was bunt and straight forward. I told him we aren’t friends, we aren’t family and I don’t want to be. I believe he got the message because his third letter was different from this one. I hope he got the message. This letter wasn’t cool at all, it crossed boundaries. It bothered me a lot. The thing that bothered me the most was that he doesn’t even realize how this letter impacted me and probably never will. I wish he could… because certain parts of this letter will forever stick with me. It’ll stick with me as a reminder that I need to go harder than ever and also that I don’t need to give up. This letter was really an eye opener and truth is I still don’t completely know how I should feel about it. As stated before no one can prepare you for talking to your abuser. Unless you are a victim then I believe no one can completely grasp how it feels. I want people to be able to understand but not at the cost of losing a piece of who they are. This is my letter from a pedophile, my first pedophile, my cousin, my family. Within 2 letters I was able to see him for who he was and how he thought. So, my question is why can’t society see a pedophile for what they truly are and treat them as such? I believe in second chances but not when someone else’s life is unwillingly affected by your actions. There are consequences to actions and I believe My abuser and the many other’s that are out there should not be free. Tevrous has been in prison since 2009 and yet in writing a letter to me he’s still comfortable enough to express how he was in love with 5-year-old me. If you ask me ,they don’t change…… They only get better at not getting caught.

Breaking The Silence, Letters From A Pedophile, Wake up

The conclusion

Beginning my journey of reaching out to my first attacker I was unsure how things would go and if I actually wanted to do it. I usually go to my older brother when I need to talk because I know he’s blunt and will tell me the truth. He told me that he was proud of me for confronting Tevrous but I needed to prepare myself for everything, me reaching out could go many ways and I could end up not getting what I wanted. Initially I wrote my attacker because I wanted to visit and tell him off for hurting me, I needed him to add me to his visitation. I wanted him to see me, see the pain I feel, and I wanted to tell him that I forgive him to his face so that I could be done with all of this. So, I reached out to him via letter and since November 2017 I have learned so much more about myself. After writing back and forth with my abuser, I have come to 3 conclusions.

The first conclusion is that he can’t change. I will be posting the letters’ that he has written to me and some of the things he says is like whoa. The first 2 letters are the ones that really made me feel some type of way. The second letter in general is what made me wish I hadn’t reached out in the first place. After he wrote me back the first time, I didn’t know how to respond so for a while I didn’t. In the process of thinking and waiting I received a second letter from him asking why I hadn’t responded yet. Truthfully, I never anticipated a response from him. I was expecting to not hear from him at all. Before sending off my first letter I had it in my head that he wasn’t even going to reply to me, I think because if I were in his position that’s what I would have done. I would be too ashamed to reply, but that’s the difference between he and I because he’s been very persistent in writing me. I say he can’t change because in the letters you will see his overly expressive affection for me. He wrote to me as if I were his wife or girlfriend not his cousin or the girl whose innocence he stripped away

The second is that I no longer needed to go visit. After reading his letters I know me going to see him would be just a win for him. He feels he has me back in his life, and I believe he thinks of me as his girlfriend or lover. It’s bad enough he’s comfortable enough writing me the things that he has. I don’t need to go meet him face to face so that he knows what I look like. He actually asked me for a picture in his letter. Wanted to know what I looked like now, of course that request was shot down. But, me sending him a letter brought many emotions for him all of which he didn’t mind sharing in his letters. He’s overly eager to take care of me, see me and make sure no one else hurts me. Mentally I don’t believe he understands how I feel or think about him. To him what he did is long gone and we are supposed to communicate like nothing ever happened. After his second letter I decided I would no longer be visiting but I would keep writing him because I wanted answers from him and was hoping for a meaningful apology. Let’s just say I realized I won’t be getting that either.

Lastly, Reaching out to my abuser helped me realize what I wanted to be in life. It’s crazy it took for me to talk to the guy who hurt me for me to be like boom! This is what i want to do and this is who I want to be. I juggled for a while with what i wanted to go to school for; social work or psychology. The deadline to enroll for school was approaching and after talking with him I decided on a major in psychology with a minor in criminal justice. Psychology is defined as “the scientific study of the human mind and its functions, especially those affecting behavior in a given context.” I am already a very observant person, so I feel I would be great at this. I love learning about people and reading people. I specifically want to be a victim advocate. I enjoy helping people and I know victims don’t always have anyone they can go to but, I want to change that. I guess in a way communicating with him helped me remove the cloud in my head and I became able to think clearer. I have since enrolled in school and have began to develop the idea of getting young girls together on weekends and taking them on trips. I have been in the position of being abused and not feeling like I can tell everyone. So, I want to create a safe place for girls where they can escape whatever they are facing and can talk freely without feeling like they have no one. I want girls and boys to grow up better than I did, no one should experience being abused. Everyone should be able to go somewhere where they feel free and can be themselves. The children are our future leaders, They will be our future voice so, we should treat them as such.

Overall I am split in the middle; between this was a good idea and I shouldn’t have done this. I am proud of myself because I did what I said I would do. Never in a million years did I think I would actually write him and he would actually respond, but I did and he replied. I definitely wasn’t prepared for his letters. I don’t think anything could have prepared me for that. Not knowing what he will say or how he will respond is probably the hardest part in this. None of his letters have given me anything I have wanted verbally from him. But, they have made me want to go harder. Every letter I have received I have cried and talked to my brother about. In every one of his letters he says something that irritates me more than anything. After every letter my mind goes to the same place, this has to be stopped. I think no child or adult should ever have to go through this. I begin brainstorming and to myself I always say my children will not go through what I went through. For so long I feared having children and wanting children because I have been afraid that they would go through what I went through. Family hurt me, and I can’t protect them from everyone, that’s been my thought process. But, after his letters I am no longer fearful for my future children because I know in my heart I will one day Break The Silence and Break The Cycle. That’s truthfully the reason I started my blog. Victims need to be heard and Abusers need to be prosecuted.

The world has become filled with too many victims and it’s sickening. Children should never know what it means to be molested, Never. Yet, too many do and that really hurts me more than anything. After communicating with the man who molested me beginning at 5 years old, after reading and feeling him not being remorseful I need there to be a change. I can’t change the things that happened to me but I can make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else. My letters are proof that a pedophile can’t change or feel. Tevrous is scheduled for parole in 2022. That is a few years away but I’m not ready. The fact that I could walk into the grocery store and he be there is something I don’t believe I will ever be ready for. Honestly, I do believe he will hurt someone again I pray he doesn’t but I am not his first victim, nor was I his last. Reading his letters made things so real for me. Made me realize how strong I am now and also how weak I had been. I gained insight to myself that I may have never seen if I hadn’t reached out to him. It helped me realize hat he won’t change not to hold my breath. Also helped me realize I need to go harder so that I could make a difference. I know it won’t be easy but it will definitely be worth the effort. Going forward any letter I receive I will be posting it to my blog and writing how I reacted and feel reading it. Some are painful to read and others aren’t. I know one thing for sure no matter how painful it may be, I won’t let him win. He doesn’t deserve to. Have any of you ever reached out to your abuser? If so how did it turn out?

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

Fear

” The fears we don’t face become our limits.” Throughout life I have had many things which have motivated me to move forward. On the other hand I have had so many things to hold me back.  Fear being one of them, I have for the most part always remained in my comfort zone because I feared veering out  doing something different. To this day I still have many fears most of which I have planned to tackle head on.  I have always feared losing myself , feared failing, feared  having children, and  Presently, I have been afraid to post my video telling my story.

” When you lose touch with  yourself, you lose yourself in the world.”  Losing myself could mean so many things for me.  Growing up I feared I would lose myself and I’d go on to become like the men who hurt me and eventually I’d go on to ruin someone else’s life.  For so long I feared turning this way because many victims do turn into predators as well but I made a promise to myself  early on that I wouldn’t and I didn’t. I feared that I would lose my kind heart and I would become this evil person always wishing bad upon everyone, being rude but I haven’t. I feared I would turn into a delinquent, tarnishing my character, name and hurting any future chances for me to succeed, but I never took that path instead I just bottled everything up. I feared losing myself because I had seen so many people like me do so. I seen so many people lose themselves while trying to deal with something that was bigger than them. But, I kept word to myself that I would always find a better outlet for myself and I have always kept word to myself because I want to be somebody, and want to remain true to myself in the process.

“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough” Becoming stuck like most of the people in my city tend to do has always been a fear of mine. I don’t want to get stuck working a job that I don’t like living in a city that I don’t want to be in. Most people I come across are always tired and unhappy. I don’t want to end up that way. I don’t want to give up on my dreams and not accomplish anything I set out to do. To me that would be failing. When it is time for me to pass away I don’t want regrets, I want to say I was glad I went ahead and did that or I knew I could do it and I’d do it all over again. Life is what you make of it and I want to live my life in a way that I can be proud of.

” Let us Sacrifice today so that our children can have a better tomorrow”. The fear of having children has always scared me. As a child my innocence was stripped away from me more than once and I still pay for the consequences of their actions to this day. I don’t want children to ever have to experience the things that I went through. Of course no parent does but I know that I won’t always be around them at every moment and I won’t be able to shield them from the people or the  troubles of the world. My greatest fear is that my future child or children comes to me telling me that someone touched them inappropriately or did anything to make them feel that trust was broken. Family, friends and strangers are all suspects when it comes to this to me. You never know who’s the bad guy until it’s too late. For that I fear having children. I want to have children and one day hope that I will but the thought of what if will always haunt me. As a precaution I have decided that I will educate my children as much as I can and hope that the people around them make the right choices.

I have decided to post my #MeToo video telling my story. on April 30th of 2018. I chose this date because for so long I have been going back and forth on whether I should or shouldn’t and decided I wont let myself down its time to tell my story. I also picked this day because April is sexual assault awareness month, the 30th is the last day  of the month and by  that time I will have everything in order so that I could do this in a manner that I want. I’m scared to post this video because it would mean me becoming vulnerable allowing everyone from family and friends to strangers into my life. Allowing people to judge my life. Allowing people in. I am also fearful because I do not know how people will react, if they will support me or hate me. I don’t know if this will lead to violence or understanding. The thought of not knowing scares me. I pray that in posting my story even if people disagree they still try to understand.

Fear is often our greatest set back because it hinders us from reaching our full potential. I have accepted my fears and am now working on ways to over come them as a whole. Fear was once my enabler now it is my motivator because if I let fear take over me, I allow myself to fail and with all I have been through failure isn’t an option. I have to succeed and be the voice to people like me, I want to be able to say ” I made it, and you can too!” What are some of your fears and how are you working towards overcoming them?

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

Twice Betrayed

In 2003 my mother and two brothers(Moe and Jarrett) and I had decided to make the move to Arizona to live with my grandfather. Before leaving the state we sold all of our things and momentarily stayed with a uncle. In the weeks prior to us leaving I didn’t see my first predator anymore but I was confronted with my second. Of the 3 predators I have ever encountered this 1 I never brought up, so here we go…..

The 4 of us lived in the home with 5 other people ( My Great uncle, His wife and their 3 children. This home was the designated home for family gatherings, party’s really everything took place at this home. I can say most of my memories were here. Of all of the good memories there is only one bad and that one sticks with me the most. We expect people to be different, we expect to always be safe but sometimes no matter the circumstances we aren’t.

Unsure of the reason but one night my older brother 2 cousins and I had to share a bed for the night. That night everything started off normal, we all played games as we normally would. We ate dinner and cleaned the kitchen. Then all took our showers and went to bed.

As I have stated before I don’t ever completely sleep throughout the night. This particular night wasn’t any different either. I had been sleeping and awoke to something oh so familiar. It was the familiar unwanted touch but it was by someone new. Another person I trusted my male cousin Randall. After he finished penetrating me and giving me oral he went to the restroom, then returned back to bed and went to sleep. I rolled over in bed and cried myself to sleep yet again. All I could think was it was happening again. This time in a home full of people, in a bed full of people yet again no one knew.

After falling asleep I’m unsure if he did it again or not but when we all awoke my pants and underwear were down. After all of us children awoke we sat around everyone asking why my clothing was that way. My eldest brother especially, I recall him asking why and who did it. My cousin sat around but never said a word. Things were different that day. I saw everyone different that day. I was ready to move away.

Looking back his actions don’t surprise me he had signs. Whenever us children were left alone he often snuck porn tapes out of his parents room to watch. He tried to get us to watch but wasn’t something we were in to. And most prominent was the day he chased us around the home naked. He had on a condom and chased us kids around the house. Looking back I know something could have been done. He showed signs but as children we didn’t know.

I was 7 at the time, he was 5 or 6 years older than me. Another member who became family by marriage. Another male who turned out to be a predator. Looking back I resent not speaking up that day. I knew who had to be the cause of the clothing that wasn’t on me as it should have been. This was my encounter with my 2nd family predator as if 1 wasn’t enough. From that day forward we never discussed what went on. He never tried to do it again, but that 1 time changed my perception of him. I often think back and wonder who else fell victim to him? Also was I his only victim? Those among numerous other questions crowd my mind at times. Yet, I guess I may never know……