Breaking The Silence

The encounter that took me to the past

As I was paying for my lunch today I heard someone call my name as I turned to see who it was I froze. Although I haven’t seen or heard from him since 2013 The voice was too familiar. I knew that voice but the persons image puzzled me. It was my step father, the man who tried having sex with me in 2011. He smiled said hey daughter I love you as he reached to hug me. I hugged him back because in that moment I felt that’s what I had to do what I needed to do based off his looks alone. Standing Looking at him he looked as if he was on his death-bed, weighing a mere maybe 90-100 pounds. When growing up I always knew him as this big stocky guy always weighing at least over 200 pounds. Now he’s smaller than me and that really took a tole on me. After he said goodbye to me I just sat in the car crying because I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. For so long I hated him and used to wish that I could tell him off for hurting me. But in seeing him today I only felt sorry for him and wanted to know what it was that was killing him (cancer, drugs? aids?). I want him to be held accountable for the things he’s done but I still don’t want to see him going out the way that he is and looking the way that he looks now. I’m unsure how I am supposed to feel about any of this, I want to be enraged but my caring heart won’t let me. And overtime I have learned that is my weakness I still care for people even after they have hurt me.

After the encounter I went to my mother’s house and cried in her arms because I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand why I still cared about this man, the man who tried forcing himself on me, The man who threatened to kill me and my mother and brother, The man who when I last spoke to him refereed to me as a “Skinny Bitch”. When in my mother’s arms she just held me until I gained my composure she said to me that I had to forgive him or it would consume me. As much as I’d like to disagree part of me knows she is right. So, I messaged Aldrick on Facebook and requested to set up a time and place to meet with him so that we could talk.

His response to my request was stand offish. He basically came up with every excuse in the book as to why he couldn’t have this talk with me. They varied from him working third shift all the way up to I didn’t invite him to my graduation. That part was funny to me and that was the Aldrick I knew the smart ass Aldrick always trying to get back at you, not the guy I ran into at the gas station.  I say the statement  ” You did not even invite me to your graduation, so that pretty much tells me everything”, was funny because I graduated in 2014. It is now going on 4 years that I have been out of school why bring it up now? Secondly, the last I saw him was in 2012 so why would I invite him to my graduation? He believes he’s entitled to things because he has the title of step father but he is no step father nor father figure and never has been.

This encounter with his brought back so many emotions for me. I was sad because I always wished things would have went differently. I was angry because he’s caused me so much pain. I also felt sorry for him. I still don’t know  what it is that’s wrong with him but I still care enough that I don’t want him looking that way. During the visit it was like he was his old self the one that we all loved. He laughed, and even introduced himself to my boyfriend and before leaving he even brought up an old story. Of course it’s one we both remember very differently but it was the fact that he remembered, the day he tried to teach me to drive. He still sounded like himself and still had that loud contagious laugh. The visit with him was one I dreaded for so long but I am glad that it happened because it went very smoothly.

Even with all that went on I wish I could still sit down with him and have a genuine talk. But after messaging back and forth I know it won’t happen in person. He stated that he would listen if I had things to say but that was it.  I gave him a time frame in which I hoped he would get back to me and let me know if he would be meeting with me or not he hasn’t gotten back to me. So, I will be sending him a message in detail of all the things I wanted to say in person with him.  I’ve been thinking maybe this way would be better anyways because seeing his image may yet again send me into a crying frenzy.

When I heard his voice call my name I froze and seeing his image  it was as if my mind went into over drive.  It wasn’t the fact of seeing my abuser it was the fact that he looked so ill.  Seeing him is something I had wanted for so long,  Being held accountable was something I had wished upon him for so long but in seeing him I wished I could take it all back. I wouldn’t wish bad on anyone not even my abuser’s because that’s just how I am as a person. My heart won’t let me hate anyone no matter how bad I wish I could and there have been so many that I wish I could gain a strong dislike for. It seems the people who hurt the most are those who care the most.In seeing my step father I just wanted to help him.I’m unsure if any other survivor has been in this same situation but I’ll tell you first hand it’s so confusing. Trying to be angry with someone but you can’t.

I have stated once before that I am attached to hurt because it’s all I have ever known. I guess I’m attached to my step father as well because he hurt me A lot! Although I used to  wish hate upon him I can’t anymore. At a certain point I stopped being enraged with the men who hurt so that I could rebuild myself. I wish that in some cases I could go back in time and fix their mistakes which in turn would fix me. But, life works in mysterious ways , always teaching us something in every obstacle we face. In this case I guess my lesson would be to finally let go. To let go of the hurt, the pain, the anger the sorrow, tell him how I feel so that I can finally forgive him and move on with my life and gain emotional stability in the process.  And that’s all I could hope for.

 

 

Breaking The Silence, Letters From A Pedophile, Wake up

The conclusion

Beginning my journey of reaching out to my first attacker I was unsure how things would go and if I actually wanted to do it. I usually go to my older brother when I need to talk because I know he’s blunt and will tell me the truth. He told me that he was proud of me for confronting Tevrous but I needed to prepare myself for everything, me reaching out could go many ways and I could end up not getting what I wanted. Initially I wrote my attacker because I wanted to visit and tell him off for hurting me, I needed him to add me to his visitation. I wanted him to see me, see the pain I feel, and I wanted to tell him that I forgive him to his face so that I could be done with all of this. So, I reached out to him via letter and since November 2017 I have learned so much more about myself. After writing back and forth with my abuser, I have come to 3 conclusions.

The first conclusion is that he can’t change. I will be posting the letters’ that he has written to me and some of the things he says is like whoa. The first 2 letters are the ones that really made me feel some type of way. The second letter in general is what made me wish I hadn’t reached out in the first place. After he wrote me back the first time, I didn’t know how to respond so for a while I didn’t. In the process of thinking and waiting I received a second letter from him asking why I hadn’t responded yet. Truthfully, I never anticipated a response from him. I was expecting to not hear from him at all. Before sending off my first letter I had it in my head that he wasn’t even going to reply to me, I think because if I were in his position that’s what I would have done. I would be too ashamed to reply, but that’s the difference between he and I because he’s been very persistent in writing me. I say he can’t change because in the letters you will see his overly expressive affection for me. He wrote to me as if I were his wife or girlfriend not his cousin or the girl whose innocence he stripped away

The second is that I no longer needed to go visit. After reading his letters I know me going to see him would be just a win for him. He feels he has me back in his life, and I believe he thinks of me as his girlfriend or lover. It’s bad enough he’s comfortable enough writing me the things that he has. I don’t need to go meet him face to face so that he knows what I look like. He actually asked me for a picture in his letter. Wanted to know what I looked like now, of course that request was shot down. But, me sending him a letter brought many emotions for him all of which he didn’t mind sharing in his letters. He’s overly eager to take care of me, see me and make sure no one else hurts me. Mentally I don’t believe he understands how I feel or think about him. To him what he did is long gone and we are supposed to communicate like nothing ever happened. After his second letter I decided I would no longer be visiting but I would keep writing him because I wanted answers from him and was hoping for a meaningful apology. Let’s just say I realized I won’t be getting that either.

Lastly, Reaching out to my abuser helped me realize what I wanted to be in life. It’s crazy it took for me to talk to the guy who hurt me for me to be like boom! This is what i want to do and this is who I want to be. I juggled for a while with what i wanted to go to school for; social work or psychology. The deadline to enroll for school was approaching and after talking with him I decided on a major in psychology with a minor in criminal justice. Psychology is defined as “the scientific study of the human mind and its functions, especially those affecting behavior in a given context.” I am already a very observant person, so I feel I would be great at this. I love learning about people and reading people. I specifically want to be a victim advocate. I enjoy helping people and I know victims don’t always have anyone they can go to but, I want to change that. I guess in a way communicating with him helped me remove the cloud in my head and I became able to think clearer. I have since enrolled in school and have began to develop the idea of getting young girls together on weekends and taking them on trips. I have been in the position of being abused and not feeling like I can tell everyone. So, I want to create a safe place for girls where they can escape whatever they are facing and can talk freely without feeling like they have no one. I want girls and boys to grow up better than I did, no one should experience being abused. Everyone should be able to go somewhere where they feel free and can be themselves. The children are our future leaders, They will be our future voice so, we should treat them as such.

Overall I am split in the middle; between this was a good idea and I shouldn’t have done this. I am proud of myself because I did what I said I would do. Never in a million years did I think I would actually write him and he would actually respond, but I did and he replied. I definitely wasn’t prepared for his letters. I don’t think anything could have prepared me for that. Not knowing what he will say or how he will respond is probably the hardest part in this. None of his letters have given me anything I have wanted verbally from him. But, they have made me want to go harder. Every letter I have received I have cried and talked to my brother about. In every one of his letters he says something that irritates me more than anything. After every letter my mind goes to the same place, this has to be stopped. I think no child or adult should ever have to go through this. I begin brainstorming and to myself I always say my children will not go through what I went through. For so long I feared having children and wanting children because I have been afraid that they would go through what I went through. Family hurt me, and I can’t protect them from everyone, that’s been my thought process. But, after his letters I am no longer fearful for my future children because I know in my heart I will one day Break The Silence and Break The Cycle. That’s truthfully the reason I started my blog. Victims need to be heard and Abusers need to be prosecuted.

The world has become filled with too many victims and it’s sickening. Children should never know what it means to be molested, Never. Yet, too many do and that really hurts me more than anything. After communicating with the man who molested me beginning at 5 years old, after reading and feeling him not being remorseful I need there to be a change. I can’t change the things that happened to me but I can make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else. My letters are proof that a pedophile can’t change or feel. Tevrous is scheduled for parole in 2022. That is a few years away but I’m not ready. The fact that I could walk into the grocery store and he be there is something I don’t believe I will ever be ready for. Honestly, I do believe he will hurt someone again I pray he doesn’t but I am not his first victim, nor was I his last. Reading his letters made things so real for me. Made me realize how strong I am now and also how weak I had been. I gained insight to myself that I may have never seen if I hadn’t reached out to him. It helped me realize hat he won’t change not to hold my breath. Also helped me realize I need to go harder so that I could make a difference. I know it won’t be easy but it will definitely be worth the effort. Going forward any letter I receive I will be posting it to my blog and writing how I reacted and feel reading it. Some are painful to read and others aren’t. I know one thing for sure no matter how painful it may be, I won’t let him win. He doesn’t deserve to. Have any of you ever reached out to your abuser? If so how did it turn out?