Breaking The Silence

The encounter that took me to the past

As I was paying for my lunch today I heard someone call my name as I turned to see who it was I froze. Although I haven’t seen or heard from him since 2013 The voice was too familiar. I knew that voice but the persons image puzzled me. It was my step father, the man who tried having sex with me in 2011. He smiled said hey daughter I love you as he reached to hug me. I hugged him back because in that moment I felt that’s what I had to do what I needed to do based off his looks alone. Standing Looking at him he looked as if he was on his death-bed, weighing a mere maybe 90-100 pounds. When growing up I always knew him as this big stocky guy always weighing at least over 200 pounds. Now he’s smaller than me and that really took a tole on me. After he said goodbye to me I just sat in the car crying because I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. For so long I hated him and used to wish that I could tell him off for hurting me. But in seeing him today I only felt sorry for him and wanted to know what it was that was killing him (cancer, drugs? aids?). I want him to be held accountable for the things he’s done but I still don’t want to see him going out the way that he is and looking the way that he looks now. I’m unsure how I am supposed to feel about any of this, I want to be enraged but my caring heart won’t let me. And overtime I have learned that is my weakness I still care for people even after they have hurt me.

After the encounter I went to my mother’s house and cried in her arms because I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand why I still cared about this man, the man who tried forcing himself on me, The man who threatened to kill me and my mother and brother, The man who when I last spoke to him refereed to me as a “Skinny Bitch”. When in my mother’s arms she just held me until I gained my composure she said to me that I had to forgive him or it would consume me. As much as I’d like to disagree part of me knows she is right. So, I messaged Aldrick on Facebook and requested to set up a time and place to meet with him so that we could talk.

His response to my request was stand offish. He basically came up with every excuse in the book as to why he couldn’t have this talk with me. They varied from him working third shift all the way up to I didn’t invite him to my graduation. That part was funny to me and that was the Aldrick I knew the smart ass Aldrick always trying to get back at you, not the guy I ran into at the gas station.  I say the statement  ” You did not even invite me to your graduation, so that pretty much tells me everything”, was funny because I graduated in 2014. It is now going on 4 years that I have been out of school why bring it up now? Secondly, the last I saw him was in 2012 so why would I invite him to my graduation? He believes he’s entitled to things because he has the title of step father but he is no step father nor father figure and never has been.

This encounter with his brought back so many emotions for me. I was sad because I always wished things would have went differently. I was angry because he’s caused me so much pain. I also felt sorry for him. I still don’t know  what it is that’s wrong with him but I still care enough that I don’t want him looking that way. During the visit it was like he was his old self the one that we all loved. He laughed, and even introduced himself to my boyfriend and before leaving he even brought up an old story. Of course it’s one we both remember very differently but it was the fact that he remembered, the day he tried to teach me to drive. He still sounded like himself and still had that loud contagious laugh. The visit with him was one I dreaded for so long but I am glad that it happened because it went very smoothly.

Even with all that went on I wish I could still sit down with him and have a genuine talk. But after messaging back and forth I know it won’t happen in person. He stated that he would listen if I had things to say but that was it.  I gave him a time frame in which I hoped he would get back to me and let me know if he would be meeting with me or not he hasn’t gotten back to me. So, I will be sending him a message in detail of all the things I wanted to say in person with him.  I’ve been thinking maybe this way would be better anyways because seeing his image may yet again send me into a crying frenzy.

When I heard his voice call my name I froze and seeing his image  it was as if my mind went into over drive.  It wasn’t the fact of seeing my abuser it was the fact that he looked so ill.  Seeing him is something I had wanted for so long,  Being held accountable was something I had wished upon him for so long but in seeing him I wished I could take it all back. I wouldn’t wish bad on anyone not even my abuser’s because that’s just how I am as a person. My heart won’t let me hate anyone no matter how bad I wish I could and there have been so many that I wish I could gain a strong dislike for. It seems the people who hurt the most are those who care the most.In seeing my step father I just wanted to help him.I’m unsure if any other survivor has been in this same situation but I’ll tell you first hand it’s so confusing. Trying to be angry with someone but you can’t.

I have stated once before that I am attached to hurt because it’s all I have ever known. I guess I’m attached to my step father as well because he hurt me A lot! Although I used to  wish hate upon him I can’t anymore. At a certain point I stopped being enraged with the men who hurt so that I could rebuild myself. I wish that in some cases I could go back in time and fix their mistakes which in turn would fix me. But, life works in mysterious ways , always teaching us something in every obstacle we face. In this case I guess my lesson would be to finally let go. To let go of the hurt, the pain, the anger the sorrow, tell him how I feel so that I can finally forgive him and move on with my life and gain emotional stability in the process.  And that’s all I could hope for.

 

 

Breaking The Silence

Dark Clouds

      A friend once told me,”The truth is, its a lonely road. Sometimes it’s nobody but you and God.” Starting my blogging journey I didn’t know what to expect but, I did Know I wanted to tell my story and help other people to tell their’s. I want people to like my topics and the the things I write but I know not everyone will. I haven’t shared my blogs with all of my family or friends yet. Based off the responses I have gotten from those I have shared with I know some won’t like it.

     “They say blood is thicker than water, but ice can be more solid than blood when things get cold.” I’ve learned throughout the years that people don’t care what you do unless its involving them. I know plenty of family who will not support my blog and me telling my story. I know people will talk about me negatively, I know because I’ve been their before and I gave up. This time around I’m here to stay. My story is here to stay. Those names are here to stay! So, when you read this, if you read this, don’t get mad or angry. Anger never solves anything. I’m going to tell my story, that wont change. But, how you react to it can. If you don’t like my blogs I’m telling you now stop reading, go ahead. But, that won’t stop me from telling my truth. Family is supposed to be your backbone, your first supporters. If you can support an inspiring artist who doesn’t even know you exist you can support your family.

I mentioned to my friend how I believed I wouldn’t be backed by everyone. They told me, “At the end of the day it happened to you,whether people say they could have done more or not it doesn’t matter.The situation caused a life to be turned upside down. It’s an unfortunate past and since its your past nobody can say anything about how you decide to handle it.” Truth is, I know everyone will have something to say whether it be good or bad, everyone will want to say their peace and I will listen. All I ask is for everyone to do the same. I’m not trying to dictate your life and how you live it , so I just ask the same.  I want to open the closet full of secrets. Secrets never help anyone, they only hinder us from moving forward. Anything done in the dark always comes to the light.

To my family, and my friends who disagree with my way I ask you to be the rainbow among the dark clouds.  It’s during my journey that I’ll need you all the most. I have several truths to tell some close family know of, others I’ve never spoken about. Yet, I feel that now is the time. And I encourage my readers to open their closet of secrets and tell your truth too!

 

 

Breaking The Silence

Chain Reaction

Every action comes with a consequence some good and some bad. We are able to control the outcome of our circumstances and have the power to correct the consequences from our own actions. But, when we are faced with consequences as a result of someone else’s doing the end result is not the same. Think before you act, because what you do can have an impact not just on you but also everyone around you. Being subjected to someone else’s wrong choices during my lifespan has left me with many unwanted side effects which have put me in uncomfortable circumstances.

According to American Counseling Association “Childhood sexual abuse has been correlated with higher levels of depression,guilt, shame, self-blame, eating disorders, somatic concerns, anxiety, dissociation patterns, repression, denial, sexual problems, and relationship problems.” And, ” 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18.” which means , “There are more than 42 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the united states.”42 million people walking around with consequences caused by someone else bad decision. 42 million people who may never be able to live a normal life. 42 million people subjected to predators forced to become a victim, forced to join the survivors. I am 1 of those 42 million who was left with bad side effects. I suffer or have suffered from not 1 not 2 but all of the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse listed above.

As stated in a previous blog post I have suffered from depression since the age of 9. Most days are down days for me. Even with treatment taking medication I still had down days and suicidal thoughts. Depression is by far to me the worst on the list because, its something I have never been able to completely shake. I could wake up in the morning after a good nights rest and start off happy and ready but before the day is over I sink into the funk of depression. But, like stated in my blog its grown with me and I have learned to adapt to the mood of the sinking “Big D”. It shouldn’t be that way though, I should be able to enjoy 1 day without feeling down and losing interest in the things I set out wanting to do the most. It just isn’t fair.

For so long I felt that the way I felt was my fault because I allowed those things to happen. But being a young child against a teenage boy I know there was nothing I could do. Guilt eats away at me because often times I wish I had spoken up or tried even harder to get him to stop. For a while I blamed myself for the things he had done and sometimes still do. I gave him a power over me let him strip away my innocence. I wish more would have been done.

Growing up I was always thinner than everyone around me, and I hated it. It made me feel inferior to everyone else. I tried so hard to gain weight for so long it became a obsession. Hearing everyone comment on me being under weight never helped either. Eventually I grew out of feeling my body wasn’t enough and learned to love every pound that I did have. I now love my size, my shape and everything about me physically.

I tend to suffer from great physical pain over my entire body at times. I’ve learned the cause to be fibromyalgia and depression. These can be connected to somatic symptoms. Our bodies tend to give off pain when in distress. When my mind is under stress from the depression and anxiety and many other things going on my body becomes distressed as well causing pain. Often times before my body becomes taken over I feel fine and then suddenly its as if my world is sinking and my body is under construction. Pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Depression and anxiety are like brother and sister. At times it seems they tend to work together with one another and other times they go against one another. In my most stressful moments anxiety has caused me to go into a panic mode. Before leaving for basic training I was so nervous, more nervous than I had ever been in life. Sitting over a friend’s house one day I was calm sitting and talking when someone told a joke. I  like everyone else laughed at the joke. Only difference is that they stopped laughing. I tried to stop but didn’t I laughed and laughed until I cried until I eventually passed out when I panicked and  realized I couldn’t stop. With my anxiety I also begin to worry about things that aren’t or may never even happen. I worry most about the safety of my family. It’s during those times that I message them long text messages or send pictures and check on them more frequently. It doesn’t sound like a bad thing until it begins to worry them because they begin to believe somethings wrong with me because of my actions.

Growing up whenever faced with reminders of my past I would try erase the thoughts from my mind. For a while I repressed the thoughts until I found a picture or would hear their name. I have tried dissociating things and people with the situation. When I am triggered by words or seeing something I space out and go back to those moments. Moments I wish I was able to forget.

When a cousin of mine came out and publicly admitted being abused by the same predator who attacked me I was in shock. For so long I believed no one ever find out.  I wanted to forget and get over that dark past. When my mother initially asked me I told her no. I was afraid and I didn’t want to talk about what had been done to me. By this time I was in middle school and was on verge of suppressing every bad moment and memory. I Know denial wasn’t the answer.

Growing into a young adult I have gained experience in dating, relationships and what come with them. In my relationships I have learned alot about myself over the years. I dated the same guy for 5 years, he wasn’t my first boyfriend but was my first real love. In being with him I learned that I am hard to love. I’m needy and need constant confirmation that I am enough and that they want to be around. I like to feel wanted and because of that I am often too honest. I speak on probably everything. I am an open book when it comes to love. But, I can also shutdown and shutout loved ones as well. When I am hurt no matter how big or small I shutdown. As a result my relationships with people becomes broken. I’ve had to mend many broken bridges again and again because of the way I feel at times. Because I was subjected to  unwanted actions from others the people I love the most are exposed   to my emotions which put strains on any relationship I try to form.

Sexually I have learned that I have my ups and my downs. After first losing my virginity I believed it would be more, I never received that big “omg” feeling or clingy reaction the first time. My first time was me wanting to get it over with, with someone who was a virgin just like me. I honestly wouldn’t do it again. After finding a suitable partner I learned that I enjoyed sex with him because we had an emotional connection. I learned if I am emotionally in tune with someone I am able to actually enjoy intercourse without being triggered about my past.  I also learned that partners trying to give “wake up calls” isn’t really my thing. Being touched during the night is a trigger because as a child that was what happened. I learned that at times during mid action I can lose interest because although I’m aroused a certain move or a certain look from my partner can change my mood. On the flip side I have learned that overall I love sex and the power it gives me. Sex is about connection and control shared between two people. At a point it seemed I loved it too much, but that has changed.

I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I suffer from many emotional and physical consequences because of it. I know I will never lead a normal life. I may forever suffer from depression and anxiety. My self-esteem may never be where it should. Emotionally I have mood swings that can sometimes be uncontrollable, causing me to hurt those I love. How  I am , and the things I suffer from affect the people around me. Because someone chose to betray me my life will never be “normal. I am not alone, I am just  1 of  42 million people who live with symptoms. No one should have to adjust their life and revolve it around symptoms and characteristics caused by the actions of someone else. Its time to raise awareness on sexual abuse! Its time to stop predators from preying. It’s also time to give recognition to survivors and the day-to-day things they are faced with. The effects of abuse are not easy to live with and no one should be forced to live with them. Its time to Give someone a chance to live without suffering. Break The Silence and Raise Awareness!

Breaking The Silence

Say Their Name!!

I was asked if I felt it were wrong to use the real names of people whom have hurt me in my Blogs. Honesty, I don’t believe its a wrong decision. This is My life and I’m telling My story. The name(s) that have and will be used is what makes this real!

In life people have choices some good and some bad but, its their decision to make the right one. All choices have a consequence. If you aren’t comfortable enough to have everyone know you’ve done something then you shouldn’t do it.

I am an abuse victim and survivor and I will say the names every chance I get. I used to be unable to say the names and anytime someone said it I’d wince. I couldn’t bear it. But, Now I’m no longer running from names or problems. They made their choice, now its time to face the consequences.

I believe all Survivors should speak their abusers name. Whether its been 5 years or 50 speak their name. No matter their social class or status SPEAK THEIR NAME! Most women who are abused wait to tell their story and as a result, nothing can be done to the abuser because of the statue of limitations on the crime. So, he/she can’t be charged but, that doesn’t mean you still can’t tell your story. That doesn’t and shouldn’t mean they still can’t be held accountable. Its time to Say Their Name! They won’t forget what they’ve done and shouldn’t be given the opportunity to do it again to anyone else. So, Say Their Name; Government Name, Nickname, Street Name, Social Name. You tell your story and don’t forget to mention anyone who’s involved in it! Its your life and you shouldn’t have to sugar coat especially for Anyone who didn’t respect it enough in the first place.

Breaking The Silence

The beggining

As a young female who has faced so many obstacles, I believe its time for me to tell my story! That is why I created this blogging site. I want to tell my story and hopefully help someone else to tell theirs. My life was never ordinary, I never got the chance to live a “normal” life. During my 22 years of living I have endured several acts of molestation by multiple family members, I have lived in an abusive home, dealt with toxic relationships and people.  I have  also battled self-love due to the belief that I wasn’t enough and would never be.

Growing up I never got to tell my story, I was afraid to. I feared opening up to anyone; so  friends were left int the dark. Those close to me who knew of my story never asked, so I never spoke on it. Not speaking on things was not the best idea. Holding everything in led me to have Anxiety. I frequently worry about everything and everyone. Holding  everything in has also led me to have very bad depression. I have not been able to show interest in the things or people who mean the most to me. Depression and Anxiety  work together one is usually triggered by the other, At times it can be Hell! I’m tired of holding onto things that are only hindering me. The longer you hold onto something the deeper it hurts, the more you worry, the more the pain lingers.

I wrote all of that to say this; to anyone with a story, a memory or just someone afraid of letting go, it inst worth losing who you are. It took me 17 years to speak on my journey and the obstacles I have faced along the way,I wish I had said something sooner. After opening up to close friends and immediate family I have felt so much better. I have felt better about myself, my life, and my past. I gained confidence, which is something I didn’t quite have before. To anyone faced with a troubling journey; past or present don’t let it hinder you. Tell your Story!!

I have found that talking about the obstacles I was faced with I gained better understanding about myself. I no longer want to be held back, I’m choosing to tell my truth, telling the stories which have made me who I am. Although they weren’t positive things they were just obstacles that I conquered! The issues I’ve faced I will be detailing in my future blog posts. I’m doing it this way because I don’t want to hide the things I have been through anymore because I know my story does not stand alone. Everyone has their own journey faced with different obstacles, I want people to not be afraid to discuss them freely.I support Breaking the Silence. This is just the beginning. I am telling my story, You should too!