Breaking The Silence

Charlemagne using spanish fly to rape someone

After listening to this podcast I was triggered. He literally bragged about raping a young lady. If you put something  in someone’s drink (Spanish Fly ) without their knowledge that is wrong. If you then proceed to have sex with them without their consent while they are passed out you indeed have raped someone. The fact that he is laughing as he tells this story is disgraceful. From listening to the podcast it seems his knowledge of what rape and consent were off, he has clearly been misinformed. He had to be told that he raped this young lady. As a public figure, a celebrity, and successful black man he should know better and be better informed.

This is America as a minority the odds are always against African-American people especially our black men. This can be a teachable moment for everyone both men and women. Our future generations need to know right from wrong and should start learning  early on. If you have young boys or girls raise them to understand right from wrong. Raise our young women to understand that unless they want to have sex and actually give consent to the person that they do not have to do anything they don’t want to do. Have them to understand being forced to do anything that they do not want to do is rape and is not okay. Raise young men to understand that if a female cannot say yes then the answer is NO! Raise our children to understand what rape actually is, raise them to understand how detrimental it can be to the other person for the rest of their lives.  Our future leaders need to be knowledegable so that they do not to make the same mistakes that we as a country are making right now.

The rape epidemic is on the rise and it should not be that way.  There are many things which could be to blame. One of those is both victims and predators not being knowledgable. The other is these rapist not being held accountable for their own actions. In not being held accountable it shows other predators that they can rape someone and get away with it. Rape is not and will never be okay and that is the way it should be perceived and handled by the world.

Charlemagne should be held accountable for his actions. I have been reading comments left by his fans and followers and it shows just how lost we are. It is believed  he is not a rapist because the woman has not come forward. To anyone with this train of thinking you are wrong. If you listen to the podcast Charlemagne tells the story for her, What he describes is indeed rape! This is not the first time Charlemagne has talked about raping someone but because he is so high in power he hasn’t been held accountable. Power should not be what stops a victim from getting justice. Everyone deserves justice! We as a people need to do better and have to do better so that we can have better outcomes in the future!#BreakTheSilence

Breaking The Silence

Letter to my Step Father

This was the message that I sent to my step father after he declined to meet with me to talk. I would have rather said everything in person but I wasn’t given the chance :

Drico,

Before I say what I needed to say I gotta know why are you so small?I hated seeing you like that. That’s not the Drico that I know. So what’s going on? I know you probably won’t tell me but I hope you do.. If not I understand.

I Wanted to start by saying that I really do hope you’re taking care of yourself. But for a while I’ve been wanting to talk to you I was hoping you would accept my offer to talk in person. But since you didn’t I’ll accept writing to you. Whether you respond or not doesn’t matter as long as I say what I need to say.

When you first came into our lives we accepted you and loved you. I’m glad that I was fortunate enough to have some good memories with you in the beginning. Things were great. Unfortunately towards the end of you being in our family majority of the memories were bad, things that I wish I could forget. And those are things I wanted to talk with you about now. With all the things you’ve done I still care about u.

First and foremost I do want to say thankyou for trying to talk to me when you all found out about my past. For that I’m grateful you got me to open up and talk about the things that had been done to me. You taught me a few things like how to cook things which I didn’t know before. So thankyou for those things.

But of all the things that you did teach me you also taught me not to trust people. In the beginning of 09 you were a great guy one we all loved and didn’t mind being around. But, it seemed when you moved in with us all of that changed…. You switched like someone had turned a switch and you became a completely different person. One that I really don’t like. In case you don’t remember ill explain.

When first moving to Arizona you threatened to leave my mother after a dish was left in the sink to soak by me. Blaming me for being the reason that you were leaving. In my opinion that’s was very cowardly of you. If you wanted out you didn’t have to use us kids as an excuse to leave. Secondly, You made me sleep on the floor when I had a perfectly good bed because of your own insecurities and no I don’t feel that was right in any way. Moving forward over the years you and I weren’t close. None of us were really close with you, and no one is to blame but you.
You called Jarrett names and mentally abused him on the daily, that I didn’t like nor did he. The things you say affect the people you say them to. Both you and my mom are wrong because you shouldn’t have said it and she should have spoken up for Jarrett. I hope you treat your new family better than you did us.

You used to make us take cold showers only turning the hot water on for yourself or my mom that’s wrong. I dislike that you made us do things we didn’t want in order to even get shoes for school. That was a game to you but wasnt cool. I know how they feel but I can’t speak for moe and Jarrett they’ll have to tell you themselves but for me you ruined what we’re supposed to be some of the best times in my life.

I disliked how I was forced to walk 2 miles back and forth to school each day rain included. It was pouring and I asked granddaddy for a ride one day he brought me home and because of that I got in trouble. With 2 vehicles at the house I couldn’t even get a ride when mama was going that way anyways. That was ignorant on both of y’all. I don’t like that you opened all of my mail before giving it to me. I don’t like that you stole money given to me by my dad it wasn’t yours to keep. I don’t like that you tried to have me help you sale weed in order for me to get money. I asked if I could get a job y’all didn’t want me to have 1 of them either. Unsure why you were so difficult but it wasn’t the right way.

I understand in you being an ex marine you have ptsd. But, You having it and knowing that you do you need to get help. We watched you flip out too many times. Watching as you tore the house apart breaking anything you could. Then you would turn into a child. Going around the house with blood just everywhere looking as if it’s a murder scene. We as children shouldn’t have had to witness any of that. You up yelling until 3 am screaming at the top of your lungs something we shouldnt have to see. You threatening to kill us saying you wish that we were all dead isn’t something we should have to go through. Especially from someone who claims to love us as his own children. You having a problem doesn’t excuse your behavior especially if you aren’t trying to get the help that you need.

With all that was going on in the home I needed an outlet and I found it by talking to other people. That guy I sent the nude pictures to I know I shouldn’t have but at the time that was my outlet my way of asking for help but you and mama as parents were supposed to be there but weren’t. You all were too wrapped in your selves. It was wrong on my end im not saying my behavior was ok because it wasn’t. But I was pushed to go outside to find another outlet. Although I was wrong for taking the pictures the way you handles things was wrong. I know you downloaded and printed the pictures saving them in that folder. That was inappropriate of you as someone who was supposed to be my step father.

Another issue I have with you as a step father you crossed so many lines. You asking to give me head and for me to lose my virginity to you was inappropriate and sick. You know you were wrong because you tried to hide the fact that you asked me that to my mom. You forcing me to watch porn was so wrong on many levels. You trying to make me pull down my pants and touching me was wrong as well. You don’t deserve to have the step father title. My mama was wrong for marrying you, especially with knowing all the things that you did. With you knowing my past knowing that I was molested as a child why would you ruin me even more. As a man in my life, you being my step father you’re supposed to protect me not prey on me! You’re sick for that. In my eyes That makes you just as sick as the men having sex with children! You were wrong and I hope you know it. I want you to know it. On april 30 I will be posting a vlog telling my story I will be saying your name and telling all that you did. You as well as the 3 other men who hurt me. I don’t care how you feel about it. You made the decisions that you did so you have to live with the consequences to your actions. You always said man’s worst fear is being found out, I guess we will see on monday. My one question to you is why?, why did you do it?

In your message you stated I didn’t invite you to my graduation which it seemed was your reasoning for not wanting to meet with me. The last I heard you didn’t want anything to do with us. You didn’t even want us to come to Mississippi to visit our own mother. So no I didn’t invite you to my graduation that’s not something you deserve. People who were there for me were at my graduation and going away party before I went to the military. You never checked on us or anything so how you feel you were right to be at my graduation is beyond me.

Then the next time I did hear from you was after I messaged your friend cameo telling her the truth. And you got mad and refered to me as a “Skinny Bitch”. Yeah I heard that part too, and that you all felt I shouldn’t have spoken about that but I did. Y’all are married but that marriage involves me and my siblings as well because whatever you put her through you put us through too. I told my mother before I did it too. And I did it because I feel if you are Okay With moving on with your life having a new family you should be able to sign some papers to be divorced. She spent her money you didn’t have to Pay anything all you had to do was sign The papers but ignorantly of course you didn’t. Don’t you feel you’ve put our family through enough? You have moved on my mother deserves to be able to do the same.

Overall my point in writing you was to clear my chest of the pain which you have caused. I don’t know what happened to you over the years but whatever it was I pray you never turn into that guy again. I pray that in reading this you reflect over yourself from past to present and are able to become a better person in the future. I wrote you because for so many years I resented you I hated you. But in doing that I know I only hurt myself more. You were once a good man one that I was proud to call my step father, proud you were dating my mother back in 2009. I only wish you could find that guy and be him. That bitterness and evil ness that grew about you isn’t right nor healthy. You hurt people when you become bitter and if you hurt everyone who’s around you who loves you then you will end up by yourself. Some things you did i may never forget i wish i could though. And hopefully 1 day i will. But my point in writing you is to tell you that even with all that you have done I forgive you. I’m forgiving you for myself because holding on to the pain was killing me. I’m a completely different woman from the little girl you knew with a different mindset and personality. I have so many dreams that have been put on the back burner because i was trying to rebuild myself from being hurt in the past. I wish this life on no one. But i have grown so much as a person and found myself and my calling in the process i also found my voice. So, im going to say how i feel no matter what anyone has to say about it; including you. Seeing you the other day was hard because it brought back so many memories. Also because you look so sick, I don’t know what’s going on with you but you need to get yourself together! I’m speaking as your step daughter not as your friend. I care what happens to you even with how our past is.

I hope in reading this I receive a response or you at least understand. Read with the intention of understanding not to reply. You’re a very intelligent man why you chose to sale yourself short I don’t know but I hope you hear me! I hope you understand. And I do forgive you Drico and I hope you take this as criticism and use it to work on yourself. You overall aren’t a bad person you just make bad decisions. My suggestion is you think before you act and think about the consequences to your actions and how it can affect not only you but those around you as well. Its 2018 and in moving forward I hope you learn to forgive yourself as well as let go of whatever it is that turn you into such a cruel human being. You are more than the troubles you face. Instead of holding it in you need to let it out if not you will do nothing but continue to hurt yourself. Now I have said my peace. Have a good day!

-Jade

After reading he replied two days later. He said to me…

“Dear Jade, I remember a very different story, however if you choose to do you then do it. I have no problems with you. Somebody really lied to you because I chose not to pursue. But, it’s okay I am a Christian, which means I am not perfect, So moving forward start whatever trouble you feel like you need to start. But always remember when you plotting revenge does 2.”

It was Short which in all honesty I didn’t expect to hear back from him at all and if I did I expected it to be bad. If you know drico then you know his mouth will cut you deeper than any physical wound could ever do. But, I didn’t get that this time and that both shocks & scares me. I don’t know where things will go from here, I just pray that they get better and not worse.

Breaking The Silence

Chain Reaction

Every action comes with a consequence some good and some bad. We are able to control the outcome of our circumstances and have the power to correct the consequences from our own actions. But, when we are faced with consequences as a result of someone else’s doing the end result is not the same. Think before you act, because what you do can have an impact not just on you but also everyone around you. Being subjected to someone else’s wrong choices during my lifespan has left me with many unwanted side effects which have put me in uncomfortable circumstances.

According to American Counseling Association “Childhood sexual abuse has been correlated with higher levels of depression,guilt, shame, self-blame, eating disorders, somatic concerns, anxiety, dissociation patterns, repression, denial, sexual problems, and relationship problems.” And, ” 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18.” which means , “There are more than 42 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the united states.”42 million people walking around with consequences caused by someone else bad decision. 42 million people who may never be able to live a normal life. 42 million people subjected to predators forced to become a victim, forced to join the survivors. I am 1 of those 42 million who was left with bad side effects. I suffer or have suffered from not 1 not 2 but all of the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse listed above.

As stated in a previous blog post I have suffered from depression since the age of 9. Most days are down days for me. Even with treatment taking medication I still had down days and suicidal thoughts. Depression is by far to me the worst on the list because, its something I have never been able to completely shake. I could wake up in the morning after a good nights rest and start off happy and ready but before the day is over I sink into the funk of depression. But, like stated in my blog its grown with me and I have learned to adapt to the mood of the sinking “Big D”. It shouldn’t be that way though, I should be able to enjoy 1 day without feeling down and losing interest in the things I set out wanting to do the most. It just isn’t fair.

For so long I felt that the way I felt was my fault because I allowed those things to happen. But being a young child against a teenage boy I know there was nothing I could do. Guilt eats away at me because often times I wish I had spoken up or tried even harder to get him to stop. For a while I blamed myself for the things he had done and sometimes still do. I gave him a power over me let him strip away my innocence. I wish more would have been done.

Growing up I was always thinner than everyone around me, and I hated it. It made me feel inferior to everyone else. I tried so hard to gain weight for so long it became a obsession. Hearing everyone comment on me being under weight never helped either. Eventually I grew out of feeling my body wasn’t enough and learned to love every pound that I did have. I now love my size, my shape and everything about me physically.

I tend to suffer from great physical pain over my entire body at times. I’ve learned the cause to be fibromyalgia and depression. These can be connected to somatic symptoms. Our bodies tend to give off pain when in distress. When my mind is under stress from the depression and anxiety and many other things going on my body becomes distressed as well causing pain. Often times before my body becomes taken over I feel fine and then suddenly its as if my world is sinking and my body is under construction. Pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Depression and anxiety are like brother and sister. At times it seems they tend to work together with one another and other times they go against one another. In my most stressful moments anxiety has caused me to go into a panic mode. Before leaving for basic training I was so nervous, more nervous than I had ever been in life. Sitting over a friend’s house one day I was calm sitting and talking when someone told a joke. I  like everyone else laughed at the joke. Only difference is that they stopped laughing. I tried to stop but didn’t I laughed and laughed until I cried until I eventually passed out when I panicked and  realized I couldn’t stop. With my anxiety I also begin to worry about things that aren’t or may never even happen. I worry most about the safety of my family. It’s during those times that I message them long text messages or send pictures and check on them more frequently. It doesn’t sound like a bad thing until it begins to worry them because they begin to believe somethings wrong with me because of my actions.

Growing up whenever faced with reminders of my past I would try erase the thoughts from my mind. For a while I repressed the thoughts until I found a picture or would hear their name. I have tried dissociating things and people with the situation. When I am triggered by words or seeing something I space out and go back to those moments. Moments I wish I was able to forget.

When a cousin of mine came out and publicly admitted being abused by the same predator who attacked me I was in shock. For so long I believed no one ever find out.  I wanted to forget and get over that dark past. When my mother initially asked me I told her no. I was afraid and I didn’t want to talk about what had been done to me. By this time I was in middle school and was on verge of suppressing every bad moment and memory. I Know denial wasn’t the answer.

Growing into a young adult I have gained experience in dating, relationships and what come with them. In my relationships I have learned alot about myself over the years. I dated the same guy for 5 years, he wasn’t my first boyfriend but was my first real love. In being with him I learned that I am hard to love. I’m needy and need constant confirmation that I am enough and that they want to be around. I like to feel wanted and because of that I am often too honest. I speak on probably everything. I am an open book when it comes to love. But, I can also shutdown and shutout loved ones as well. When I am hurt no matter how big or small I shutdown. As a result my relationships with people becomes broken. I’ve had to mend many broken bridges again and again because of the way I feel at times. Because I was subjected to  unwanted actions from others the people I love the most are exposed   to my emotions which put strains on any relationship I try to form.

Sexually I have learned that I have my ups and my downs. After first losing my virginity I believed it would be more, I never received that big “omg” feeling or clingy reaction the first time. My first time was me wanting to get it over with, with someone who was a virgin just like me. I honestly wouldn’t do it again. After finding a suitable partner I learned that I enjoyed sex with him because we had an emotional connection. I learned if I am emotionally in tune with someone I am able to actually enjoy intercourse without being triggered about my past.  I also learned that partners trying to give “wake up calls” isn’t really my thing. Being touched during the night is a trigger because as a child that was what happened. I learned that at times during mid action I can lose interest because although I’m aroused a certain move or a certain look from my partner can change my mood. On the flip side I have learned that overall I love sex and the power it gives me. Sex is about connection and control shared between two people. At a point it seemed I loved it too much, but that has changed.

I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I suffer from many emotional and physical consequences because of it. I know I will never lead a normal life. I may forever suffer from depression and anxiety. My self-esteem may never be where it should. Emotionally I have mood swings that can sometimes be uncontrollable, causing me to hurt those I love. How  I am , and the things I suffer from affect the people around me. Because someone chose to betray me my life will never be “normal. I am not alone, I am just  1 of  42 million people who live with symptoms. No one should have to adjust their life and revolve it around symptoms and characteristics caused by the actions of someone else. Its time to raise awareness on sexual abuse! Its time to stop predators from preying. It’s also time to give recognition to survivors and the day-to-day things they are faced with. The effects of abuse are not easy to live with and no one should be forced to live with them. Its time to Give someone a chance to live without suffering. Break The Silence and Raise Awareness!

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

Abusing power

After my freshman year of high school ended, we moved to an extended stay and  I had to switch high schools (school 2 of 3) . In 2012 we would be moving back to Tennessee, so to save money we went to live at Legacy Suites. After moving schools and checking on the bus routes we were told they did not come out near our temporary home. Which left us with finding other means of transportation for me.  My mother drove in the direction of my school often but My step father (Drico) said I wasn’t allowed to ride in his vehicles. So, everyday I walked. I walked  in rain or the beaming sun to school and back home. From Legacy Suites extended stay to Tolleson High School was 2 miles one way. I’m unsure if those reading have ever been to Arizona but its very hot. 117-124 degrees on the average day. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the exercise at times and being able to get out of the house. But, at other times it was stressful and seemed Drico went out of his way to make sure my life was ran the way he wanted it to be.

I called my grandfather one day as it was pouring raining, and he came and picked me up and dropped me off at home. Drico got angry and said I wasn’t allowed to get a ride from anyone. During the rain or a heat wave I was expected to walk and to turn down a ride when offered. Walking home each day I had to cross the highway where I was honked at continuously. Being a young female especially walking alone can be terrifying. You never know what predicaments you may fall into. A older man followed me all the way home one day.  Looking over my shoulder I could see him pacing behind me, as I turned around he would stop and act as if he needed service. I walked faster and faster hoping I’d make it home to be “safe”.

One of my first real bad episodes of syncope(Fainting) happened after walking to school one morning. As I was getting closer to the school my vision began to go out. I walked as fast as I could so that I could sit. When I arrived I sat at a bench with my head between my legs to try and get my vision to become clear. For a while it didn’t. When it came to I went to the restroom and cried. I felt sick and weak and knew I needed to go home. But, I knew that meant I’d have to walk to get there. No need in missing a day of school to do the same thing I would have to do anyway. And leaving also meant I’d be be home with Drico alone. So, I waited until things were clear and I continued on with my day.

Drico exercised his power frequently. In moments were it was proper and others were it was not. For my 16th birthday(Halloween)  I got to take my brothers and his friends trick or treating as a “reward”My dad has a tradition of  sending us birthday cards every year with money inside. When it wasn’t my birthday I still received a car with money and vice versa for my younger brother. For my 16th birthday my dad sent cards to me and my brother. My younger brother received his and I was told their wasn’t anything for me which I knew was a lie. So I called my dad and I asked if he sent me anything he said, yes. He then resent me another card with cash in it and this time Drico told me that I wouldn’t get it until he felt i was ready. When I did get my card it was after my birthday, the envelope had been opened and my card was empty. He had done this for several holidays. Any card I got on birthdays or holidays was searched and held until he felt the need to give them to me.

Spring of 2012 I did my first audition to become a model in the model mall search. I was rewarded with a proposal to join the modeling agency with an agent. I was allotted a free photo shoot, and portfolio. I did my free photo shoot and waited for my portfolio to come in the mail. The day that it did I wasn’t allowed to watch the TV featuring every photo I took. . Drico exclaimed that he felt I looked too grown and didn’t want anyone looking at me. When asked what happened to my contract he said it never came. Yet, it did I saw the box on the counter. Til this day I am unsure what he did with all of my things.

Living with Aldrick I was never able to do anything I wanted to do unless he deemed it necessary. When it came to school sports and activities if I had to pay anything it was best to expect not participating. Track and field I was allowed to participate in 8th grade because he was given title of assistant coach. He came and helped us to practice and it was also free. When high-school came around I was not given the same opportunities. Track, Cheer and soccer were sports I was interested in but Drico said I couldn’t because it would be a waste of his money. I offered to get a job even  walked around phoenix and filled out applications, but I was told I could’t do that either. Why?, the question I’ve always wondered.

Power has a way of making people do things to show their true colors. Drico was a man fueled by power and he abused it every chance he got.  If it wasn’t his way it was the wrong way. 3 years we lived with him. 3 years we went through hell because of him wanting to exercise his power. I built a rage for him over those years, wanted him dead at one point. But, I know me being angry is what he wanted. Its as if getting a reaction out of you excited him. Men like this I have put into 1 category and that is category of a coward. I say coward because in the years of knowing this man he never acted this way with men. He preyed on my little brother everyday calling him any name he could think of. Stupid was one he used ever so frequently. “Stupid ass”  he would say whenever my brother did something he didn’t like. Or he would prey on my mother using anything he felt we did wrong as a taunt to her calling her a bad mother. Whenever my older brother or any other male family member was around though he never acted that way with them. Power is ugly and lets you see the truth. Don’t ignore the signs of a coward trying to abuse their  power to justify their own ego.