Breaking The Silence

The encounter that took me to the past

As I was paying for my lunch today I heard someone call my name as I turned to see who it was I froze. Although I haven’t seen or heard from him since 2013 The voice was too familiar. I knew that voice but the persons image puzzled me. It was my step father, the man who tried having sex with me in 2011. He smiled said hey daughter I love you as he reached to hug me. I hugged him back because in that moment I felt that’s what I had to do what I needed to do based off his looks alone. Standing Looking at him he looked as if he was on his death-bed, weighing a mere maybe 90-100 pounds. When growing up I always knew him as this big stocky guy always weighing at least over 200 pounds. Now he’s smaller than me and that really took a tole on me. After he said goodbye to me I just sat in the car crying because I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. For so long I hated him and used to wish that I could tell him off for hurting me. But in seeing him today I only felt sorry for him and wanted to know what it was that was killing him (cancer, drugs? aids?). I want him to be held accountable for the things he’s done but I still don’t want to see him going out the way that he is and looking the way that he looks now. I’m unsure how I am supposed to feel about any of this, I want to be enraged but my caring heart won’t let me. And overtime I have learned that is my weakness I still care for people even after they have hurt me.

After the encounter I went to my mother’s house and cried in her arms because I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand why I still cared about this man, the man who tried forcing himself on me, The man who threatened to kill me and my mother and brother, The man who when I last spoke to him refereed to me as a “Skinny Bitch”. When in my mother’s arms she just held me until I gained my composure she said to me that I had to forgive him or it would consume me. As much as I’d like to disagree part of me knows she is right. So, I messaged Aldrick on Facebook and requested to set up a time and place to meet with him so that we could talk.

His response to my request was stand offish. He basically came up with every excuse in the book as to why he couldn’t have this talk with me. They varied from him working third shift all the way up to I didn’t invite him to my graduation. That part was funny to me and that was the Aldrick I knew the smart ass Aldrick always trying to get back at you, not the guy I ran into at the gas station.  I say the statement  ” You did not even invite me to your graduation, so that pretty much tells me everything”, was funny because I graduated in 2014. It is now going on 4 years that I have been out of school why bring it up now? Secondly, the last I saw him was in 2012 so why would I invite him to my graduation? He believes he’s entitled to things because he has the title of step father but he is no step father nor father figure and never has been.

This encounter with his brought back so many emotions for me. I was sad because I always wished things would have went differently. I was angry because he’s caused me so much pain. I also felt sorry for him. I still don’t know  what it is that’s wrong with him but I still care enough that I don’t want him looking that way. During the visit it was like he was his old self the one that we all loved. He laughed, and even introduced himself to my boyfriend and before leaving he even brought up an old story. Of course it’s one we both remember very differently but it was the fact that he remembered, the day he tried to teach me to drive. He still sounded like himself and still had that loud contagious laugh. The visit with him was one I dreaded for so long but I am glad that it happened because it went very smoothly.

Even with all that went on I wish I could still sit down with him and have a genuine talk. But after messaging back and forth I know it won’t happen in person. He stated that he would listen if I had things to say but that was it.  I gave him a time frame in which I hoped he would get back to me and let me know if he would be meeting with me or not he hasn’t gotten back to me. So, I will be sending him a message in detail of all the things I wanted to say in person with him.  I’ve been thinking maybe this way would be better anyways because seeing his image may yet again send me into a crying frenzy.

When I heard his voice call my name I froze and seeing his image  it was as if my mind went into over drive.  It wasn’t the fact of seeing my abuser it was the fact that he looked so ill.  Seeing him is something I had wanted for so long,  Being held accountable was something I had wished upon him for so long but in seeing him I wished I could take it all back. I wouldn’t wish bad on anyone not even my abuser’s because that’s just how I am as a person. My heart won’t let me hate anyone no matter how bad I wish I could and there have been so many that I wish I could gain a strong dislike for. It seems the people who hurt the most are those who care the most.In seeing my step father I just wanted to help him.I’m unsure if any other survivor has been in this same situation but I’ll tell you first hand it’s so confusing. Trying to be angry with someone but you can’t.

I have stated once before that I am attached to hurt because it’s all I have ever known. I guess I’m attached to my step father as well because he hurt me A lot! Although I used to  wish hate upon him I can’t anymore. At a certain point I stopped being enraged with the men who hurt so that I could rebuild myself. I wish that in some cases I could go back in time and fix their mistakes which in turn would fix me. But, life works in mysterious ways , always teaching us something in every obstacle we face. In this case I guess my lesson would be to finally let go. To let go of the hurt, the pain, the anger the sorrow, tell him how I feel so that I can finally forgive him and move on with my life and gain emotional stability in the process.  And that’s all I could hope for.