world topics

Get tested & Know your status!

The HIV epidemic in America is at an all time high. Today is National HIV Testing Day. You should get tested at least once a year. And if you have been sexually active or shared needles with anyone who is HIV positive you should get tested every 3 to 6 months to see if you were exposed to the virus. HIV is a virus that attacks a persons immune system. Our immune system is our bodies defense against infections like bacteria and viruses. If left untreated HIV can develope into Aids. Aids is more severe and is said to be the advaced stage of HIV. Usually when a person has developed Aids their CD4 ( white blood cells that attack infection) count is below 200. When it should be between 500-1600 There is no cure but HIV can be treated if caught early. 1 in 7 people dont know that they are HIV positive. Don’t be that person unknowingly infecting someone else Go get tested so that you can know your status! Today many Walgreens’ world wide are doing FREE HIV TESTS. There’s no excuse not to go get tested. GO GET TESTED so you can know your status & BE SAFE!

world topics

Children’s Mental Health

In the words of nelson Mandela “Our children are our greatest treasure. They are our future. Those who abuse them tear at the fabric of our society and weaken our nation.” It is our job to help shape the young minds of our time. Children will one day be our future doctors, nurses, teachers, policeman etc. The young children of today will one day replace us  expected to keep the world running. To be able to do that they need to be raised right, especially when it comes to their mental health. A person’s mental state of mind determines their behavior and their future.

“Your mental health is just as important as your physical health”A person’s state of mind plays an important role in the choices that we make as human beings. An unstable mind can be detrimental to a person’s prosperity. Having mental issues left untreated especially beginning at a young age will have a major impact on them leading all the way into their adult lives.

I grew up mentally and physically damaged. Since childhood I’ve had depression and anxiety. I’ve always understood what most my age can not and I always knew that something was indeed wrong. I wanted help and so I went and asked for it. But, because I was a child it was put off as if I didn’t know what I was saying. That I was too young to know what that meant. But, I did. The key is to listen. You may think your child is wrong, or that your child doesn’t know but sometimes they do. We know our body better than anyone else ever could, even in childhood. “An estimated 3.1 million adolescents aged 12 to 17 in the united states have had at least one major depressive episode.”  Depression  is real and if left untreated can lead to so many other issues; suicide being a major one.

Children can be faced with so many other mental conditions. A common condition is ADHD which is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. This was something that I personally never had an issue with but  I watched as my younger brother did. “6.4 million children were diagnosed with ADHD between 2003 and 2011. If left untreated ADHD can lead to lifelong problems ; including adult ADHD or add in their adult hood. ADHD disrupts concentration, and enhances hyperactivity. ADHD is now so common among children and must not be ignored. Treatment is necessary in the growth of our future leaders.  It’s the simple things like Concentration that most people often take for granted because to us it comes so natural. But, that isn’t the case for everyone. No matter how much people with  ADHD try to settle down and be less hyperactive they can’t. With treatment and constructive outlets to channel this extra energy and sometimes behavior it helps to shape and prepare them for understanding and control as they grow older into adult hood.

Autism is another illness that also begins in young children. Autism can begin to manifest and show itself as young as the age of two. Autism like other mental illnesses must be caught early on and treated properly in order for the child to have a chance at leading a normal independent life. This disorder affects the mind of the child. It slows the development of speech and learning disability as well as makes social interaction, communication, and obsessive interests difficult. There is no current cure, but treatment gives people with autism a fair chance at being successful in their adult lives without being dependent on someone else to be able to do so.

There are so many other illness’ that affect children. Children are who will one day take over and teach the future generations to come. If mentally they are unstable they will be incapable of success and taking care of the world. In order for humanity to thrive we have to be ensure that our future leaders are mentally stable and prepared to do so. To my parents; Listen, Pay attention and Take care of your children. These young people are the ones you expect to look after you when you become too old to look after yourself. So, take care of them so that they may be able to one day take care of you. If you hold guardianship over an adolescent my test for you is to Listen to your child, to pay attention  and lastly; learn. To learn the signs to be able to notice when something is wrong.” Our greatest natural resource is in the minds of our children.”Take care of our children as they are young so that they will lead our future to be prosperous when they become adults.

world topics

A woman and her health

” Taking joy in living is a woman’s best cosmetic!” Often as women we tend to take on so many different tasks. In the process of taking on everything and trying to be super woman or super mom for some, we often neglect to take care of our-self. This week is Women’s Health Week and Although it’s almost over its never too late to take time out for yourself and make sure you are indeed healthy. I understand that most women have so many people dependent on them, but if You’re always taking care of everyone else who takes Care of you? Roles can always reverse and it doesn’t take much. So, It’s time that you took care of you.

“Take care of your body and it will take care of you.” Something I’ve had to learn all to well. Most days I’m putting myself in overdrive just so that I make it through. I’m the Getting minimal amount of sleep and often times skipping at least one important meal. We get to the point where we get it in our mind that no matter what we’ve got to push through, and so that’s what we do. This works until we have over worked our selves to the point that our body can’t take it. Our bodies begin to slowly shutdown and go into defense mode. This can happen in many ways. It could start off by being sick; maybe with a cold. Your body could ache from the constant stress that’s been placed on it. Lets not forget Fatigue! My point is that we need to take care of our bodies. Our body is what helps us to get through. Taking care of ourselves ensures that we can push on , push through that extra hour, or that extra day. Go to bed earlier, take that nap, pack a lunch. Rest your body and replenish yourself with healthy nutrients so that you have that extra strength to make it through.

As women, we have so much to live up to. There are women with children who are expected to be fantastic mothers all the time. Women are expected to hold a job, care for the children, take care of home and still keep themselves up in the process.A lot is pushed on us because we are women, and we manage to take it all on no matter what obstacles are placed in our way. So, to my women I want to say that you are strong! women are so underestimated, we do so much. We are very important people. In the words of Beyoncé “Girls Run the world!” We as women push our men further when they are on the verge of giving up. We as women birth children and raise them up as young queens and young kings hoping that they take with them the lessons we instilled in them. As women we work until we are tired and then work even harder because if we didn’t do it who else would?

Mentally we turn off that voice within us that’s telling us we need to rest. Mentally we push away all those helpless thoughts because we have so many things to do and to us we are the only ones to get the job done. Being in the right state of mind is also so very helpful in remaining healthy. If your mind is in overload your body will be too because it’s having to work extra hard. There are days where I want to give up, pack up and disappear but I know in doing that when I return the problems will still be here waiting on me. So, when mentally I become tired I pray, I rest and I have most recently started to do yoga and meditation. Taking 10 minutes out of my day and just taking some deep breaths or stretching my body helps put me in the right state of mind so that I am not mentally overwhelmed by everything going on around me.

I know as women it seems everything will fall apart if we don’t take care of everything. But, to take on the world we have to take care of ourselves first. Start off making sure you get enough rest, getting the right amount of nutrients in your body, and taking a break. Things will not fall apart if you take 10 minutes to yourself everyday. Go to the doctor for your annual check ups to ensure you’re in tip-top shape. If you’re feeling under the weather don’t ignore the signs, listen to your body. Your body is your temple and it lets you know when something is wrong. All you have to do is listen. To ALL the super women out there trying to take care of everyone and every thing please take care of yourself first. When was the last time you had a day just for You ?

Breaking The Silence

Letter to my Step Father

This was the message that I sent to my step father after he declined to meet with me to talk. I would have rather said everything in person but I wasn’t given the chance :

Drico,

Before I say what I needed to say I gotta know why are you so small?I hated seeing you like that. That’s not the Drico that I know. So what’s going on? I know you probably won’t tell me but I hope you do.. If not I understand.

I Wanted to start by saying that I really do hope you’re taking care of yourself. But for a while I’ve been wanting to talk to you I was hoping you would accept my offer to talk in person. But since you didn’t I’ll accept writing to you. Whether you respond or not doesn’t matter as long as I say what I need to say.

When you first came into our lives we accepted you and loved you. I’m glad that I was fortunate enough to have some good memories with you in the beginning. Things were great. Unfortunately towards the end of you being in our family majority of the memories were bad, things that I wish I could forget. And those are things I wanted to talk with you about now. With all the things you’ve done I still care about u.

First and foremost I do want to say thankyou for trying to talk to me when you all found out about my past. For that I’m grateful you got me to open up and talk about the things that had been done to me. You taught me a few things like how to cook things which I didn’t know before. So thankyou for those things.

But of all the things that you did teach me you also taught me not to trust people. In the beginning of 09 you were a great guy one we all loved and didn’t mind being around. But, it seemed when you moved in with us all of that changed…. You switched like someone had turned a switch and you became a completely different person. One that I really don’t like. In case you don’t remember ill explain.

When first moving to Arizona you threatened to leave my mother after a dish was left in the sink to soak by me. Blaming me for being the reason that you were leaving. In my opinion that’s was very cowardly of you. If you wanted out you didn’t have to use us kids as an excuse to leave. Secondly, You made me sleep on the floor when I had a perfectly good bed because of your own insecurities and no I don’t feel that was right in any way. Moving forward over the years you and I weren’t close. None of us were really close with you, and no one is to blame but you.
You called Jarrett names and mentally abused him on the daily, that I didn’t like nor did he. The things you say affect the people you say them to. Both you and my mom are wrong because you shouldn’t have said it and she should have spoken up for Jarrett. I hope you treat your new family better than you did us.

You used to make us take cold showers only turning the hot water on for yourself or my mom that’s wrong. I dislike that you made us do things we didn’t want in order to even get shoes for school. That was a game to you but wasnt cool. I know how they feel but I can’t speak for moe and Jarrett they’ll have to tell you themselves but for me you ruined what we’re supposed to be some of the best times in my life.

I disliked how I was forced to walk 2 miles back and forth to school each day rain included. It was pouring and I asked granddaddy for a ride one day he brought me home and because of that I got in trouble. With 2 vehicles at the house I couldn’t even get a ride when mama was going that way anyways. That was ignorant on both of y’all. I don’t like that you opened all of my mail before giving it to me. I don’t like that you stole money given to me by my dad it wasn’t yours to keep. I don’t like that you tried to have me help you sale weed in order for me to get money. I asked if I could get a job y’all didn’t want me to have 1 of them either. Unsure why you were so difficult but it wasn’t the right way.

I understand in you being an ex marine you have ptsd. But, You having it and knowing that you do you need to get help. We watched you flip out too many times. Watching as you tore the house apart breaking anything you could. Then you would turn into a child. Going around the house with blood just everywhere looking as if it’s a murder scene. We as children shouldn’t have had to witness any of that. You up yelling until 3 am screaming at the top of your lungs something we shouldnt have to see. You threatening to kill us saying you wish that we were all dead isn’t something we should have to go through. Especially from someone who claims to love us as his own children. You having a problem doesn’t excuse your behavior especially if you aren’t trying to get the help that you need.

With all that was going on in the home I needed an outlet and I found it by talking to other people. That guy I sent the nude pictures to I know I shouldn’t have but at the time that was my outlet my way of asking for help but you and mama as parents were supposed to be there but weren’t. You all were too wrapped in your selves. It was wrong on my end im not saying my behavior was ok because it wasn’t. But I was pushed to go outside to find another outlet. Although I was wrong for taking the pictures the way you handles things was wrong. I know you downloaded and printed the pictures saving them in that folder. That was inappropriate of you as someone who was supposed to be my step father.

Another issue I have with you as a step father you crossed so many lines. You asking to give me head and for me to lose my virginity to you was inappropriate and sick. You know you were wrong because you tried to hide the fact that you asked me that to my mom. You forcing me to watch porn was so wrong on many levels. You trying to make me pull down my pants and touching me was wrong as well. You don’t deserve to have the step father title. My mama was wrong for marrying you, especially with knowing all the things that you did. With you knowing my past knowing that I was molested as a child why would you ruin me even more. As a man in my life, you being my step father you’re supposed to protect me not prey on me! You’re sick for that. In my eyes That makes you just as sick as the men having sex with children! You were wrong and I hope you know it. I want you to know it. On april 30 I will be posting a vlog telling my story I will be saying your name and telling all that you did. You as well as the 3 other men who hurt me. I don’t care how you feel about it. You made the decisions that you did so you have to live with the consequences to your actions. You always said man’s worst fear is being found out, I guess we will see on monday. My one question to you is why?, why did you do it?

In your message you stated I didn’t invite you to my graduation which it seemed was your reasoning for not wanting to meet with me. The last I heard you didn’t want anything to do with us. You didn’t even want us to come to Mississippi to visit our own mother. So no I didn’t invite you to my graduation that’s not something you deserve. People who were there for me were at my graduation and going away party before I went to the military. You never checked on us or anything so how you feel you were right to be at my graduation is beyond me.

Then the next time I did hear from you was after I messaged your friend cameo telling her the truth. And you got mad and refered to me as a “Skinny Bitch”. Yeah I heard that part too, and that you all felt I shouldn’t have spoken about that but I did. Y’all are married but that marriage involves me and my siblings as well because whatever you put her through you put us through too. I told my mother before I did it too. And I did it because I feel if you are Okay With moving on with your life having a new family you should be able to sign some papers to be divorced. She spent her money you didn’t have to Pay anything all you had to do was sign The papers but ignorantly of course you didn’t. Don’t you feel you’ve put our family through enough? You have moved on my mother deserves to be able to do the same.

Overall my point in writing you was to clear my chest of the pain which you have caused. I don’t know what happened to you over the years but whatever it was I pray you never turn into that guy again. I pray that in reading this you reflect over yourself from past to present and are able to become a better person in the future. I wrote you because for so many years I resented you I hated you. But in doing that I know I only hurt myself more. You were once a good man one that I was proud to call my step father, proud you were dating my mother back in 2009. I only wish you could find that guy and be him. That bitterness and evil ness that grew about you isn’t right nor healthy. You hurt people when you become bitter and if you hurt everyone who’s around you who loves you then you will end up by yourself. Some things you did i may never forget i wish i could though. And hopefully 1 day i will. But my point in writing you is to tell you that even with all that you have done I forgive you. I’m forgiving you for myself because holding on to the pain was killing me. I’m a completely different woman from the little girl you knew with a different mindset and personality. I have so many dreams that have been put on the back burner because i was trying to rebuild myself from being hurt in the past. I wish this life on no one. But i have grown so much as a person and found myself and my calling in the process i also found my voice. So, im going to say how i feel no matter what anyone has to say about it; including you. Seeing you the other day was hard because it brought back so many memories. Also because you look so sick, I don’t know what’s going on with you but you need to get yourself together! I’m speaking as your step daughter not as your friend. I care what happens to you even with how our past is.

I hope in reading this I receive a response or you at least understand. Read with the intention of understanding not to reply. You’re a very intelligent man why you chose to sale yourself short I don’t know but I hope you hear me! I hope you understand. And I do forgive you Drico and I hope you take this as criticism and use it to work on yourself. You overall aren’t a bad person you just make bad decisions. My suggestion is you think before you act and think about the consequences to your actions and how it can affect not only you but those around you as well. Its 2018 and in moving forward I hope you learn to forgive yourself as well as let go of whatever it is that turn you into such a cruel human being. You are more than the troubles you face. Instead of holding it in you need to let it out if not you will do nothing but continue to hurt yourself. Now I have said my peace. Have a good day!

-Jade

After reading he replied two days later. He said to me…

“Dear Jade, I remember a very different story, however if you choose to do you then do it. I have no problems with you. Somebody really lied to you because I chose not to pursue. But, it’s okay I am a Christian, which means I am not perfect, So moving forward start whatever trouble you feel like you need to start. But always remember when you plotting revenge does 2.”

It was Short which in all honesty I didn’t expect to hear back from him at all and if I did I expected it to be bad. If you know drico then you know his mouth will cut you deeper than any physical wound could ever do. But, I didn’t get that this time and that both shocks & scares me. I don’t know where things will go from here, I just pray that they get better and not worse.

Breaking The Silence

The encounter that took me to the past

As I was paying for my lunch today I heard someone call my name as I turned to see who it was I froze. Although I haven’t seen or heard from him since 2013 The voice was too familiar. I knew that voice but the persons image puzzled me. It was my step father, the man who tried having sex with me in 2011. He smiled said hey daughter I love you as he reached to hug me. I hugged him back because in that moment I felt that’s what I had to do what I needed to do based off his looks alone. Standing Looking at him he looked as if he was on his death-bed, weighing a mere maybe 90-100 pounds. When growing up I always knew him as this big stocky guy always weighing at least over 200 pounds. Now he’s smaller than me and that really took a tole on me. After he said goodbye to me I just sat in the car crying because I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. For so long I hated him and used to wish that I could tell him off for hurting me. But in seeing him today I only felt sorry for him and wanted to know what it was that was killing him (cancer, drugs? aids?). I want him to be held accountable for the things he’s done but I still don’t want to see him going out the way that he is and looking the way that he looks now. I’m unsure how I am supposed to feel about any of this, I want to be enraged but my caring heart won’t let me. And overtime I have learned that is my weakness I still care for people even after they have hurt me.

After the encounter I went to my mother’s house and cried in her arms because I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand why I still cared about this man, the man who tried forcing himself on me, The man who threatened to kill me and my mother and brother, The man who when I last spoke to him refereed to me as a “Skinny Bitch”. When in my mother’s arms she just held me until I gained my composure she said to me that I had to forgive him or it would consume me. As much as I’d like to disagree part of me knows she is right. So, I messaged Aldrick on Facebook and requested to set up a time and place to meet with him so that we could talk.

His response to my request was stand offish. He basically came up with every excuse in the book as to why he couldn’t have this talk with me. They varied from him working third shift all the way up to I didn’t invite him to my graduation. That part was funny to me and that was the Aldrick I knew the smart ass Aldrick always trying to get back at you, not the guy I ran into at the gas station.  I say the statement  ” You did not even invite me to your graduation, so that pretty much tells me everything”, was funny because I graduated in 2014. It is now going on 4 years that I have been out of school why bring it up now? Secondly, the last I saw him was in 2012 so why would I invite him to my graduation? He believes he’s entitled to things because he has the title of step father but he is no step father nor father figure and never has been.

This encounter with his brought back so many emotions for me. I was sad because I always wished things would have went differently. I was angry because he’s caused me so much pain. I also felt sorry for him. I still don’t know  what it is that’s wrong with him but I still care enough that I don’t want him looking that way. During the visit it was like he was his old self the one that we all loved. He laughed, and even introduced himself to my boyfriend and before leaving he even brought up an old story. Of course it’s one we both remember very differently but it was the fact that he remembered, the day he tried to teach me to drive. He still sounded like himself and still had that loud contagious laugh. The visit with him was one I dreaded for so long but I am glad that it happened because it went very smoothly.

Even with all that went on I wish I could still sit down with him and have a genuine talk. But after messaging back and forth I know it won’t happen in person. He stated that he would listen if I had things to say but that was it.  I gave him a time frame in which I hoped he would get back to me and let me know if he would be meeting with me or not he hasn’t gotten back to me. So, I will be sending him a message in detail of all the things I wanted to say in person with him.  I’ve been thinking maybe this way would be better anyways because seeing his image may yet again send me into a crying frenzy.

When I heard his voice call my name I froze and seeing his image  it was as if my mind went into over drive.  It wasn’t the fact of seeing my abuser it was the fact that he looked so ill.  Seeing him is something I had wanted for so long,  Being held accountable was something I had wished upon him for so long but in seeing him I wished I could take it all back. I wouldn’t wish bad on anyone not even my abuser’s because that’s just how I am as a person. My heart won’t let me hate anyone no matter how bad I wish I could and there have been so many that I wish I could gain a strong dislike for. It seems the people who hurt the most are those who care the most.In seeing my step father I just wanted to help him.I’m unsure if any other survivor has been in this same situation but I’ll tell you first hand it’s so confusing. Trying to be angry with someone but you can’t.

I have stated once before that I am attached to hurt because it’s all I have ever known. I guess I’m attached to my step father as well because he hurt me A lot! Although I used to  wish hate upon him I can’t anymore. At a certain point I stopped being enraged with the men who hurt so that I could rebuild myself. I wish that in some cases I could go back in time and fix their mistakes which in turn would fix me. But, life works in mysterious ways , always teaching us something in every obstacle we face. In this case I guess my lesson would be to finally let go. To let go of the hurt, the pain, the anger the sorrow, tell him how I feel so that I can finally forgive him and move on with my life and gain emotional stability in the process.  And that’s all I could hope for.

 

 

Breaking The Silence, Letters From A Pedophile

Letters from a pedophile Pt. 4

After the last letter that Tevrous sent I read his letter and his lies and wrote him back naming every name of every person that I and many others know he assaulted.  He can deny having done them to those people but pain doesn’t lie. This letter was his response to me. Attached with the letter he sent a card he made and drew as an apology to me.

 

Jade,

Look I know I fucked up but it’s not 4 people me and (His step sister) never did a thing we just acted like we did.  Who is this other person you are talking about because I don’t know anyone by that name? The girl I’m locked up for lied about how old she was and I never knew her real age and she knew I was 21 and had a baby by me. So, that’s why I’m locked up. She sent a letter to the judge saying she was sorry for lying on me but I’m still locked up because she was young but I didn’t hurt her. I never lied to you all I wanted was to make my past go away. I’m mot saying because it happened to me  and I did it to people that it makes it right. No. I used to think fuck the world and  I would make them feel my pain but one day I opened my eyes and said fight back.  I was never trying to hurt no one.  I beat him up because he was a white supremacist . Him and his white friends were going around saying ” fuck black people and fuck y’all nigger bitch”. So, yes I feel good for beating him up. So, I will keep it 100 with you the first time you wrote me I knew what it was about just wish I could go back in time to fix it. But at the end of the day i have to live with what I did so just let me show you I’m sorry for hurting you. Tell me how I can make it better for you so you can know I’m sorry for real. Just tell me if I can have you back in  my life.  Please know that I am truly sorry. My words and actions are to follow what is in my heart.

-Tevrous Bomer

My response/ Reaction:

This letter like the others he asks about having me back in his life, which no matter how many times I see it i will never be okay with that.  As I stated once before he’s writing to me as if I were his lover not his cousin or the person he sexually abused. I personally don’t believe he feels sorry for the things he did. This letter I haven’t responded to yet part of me just wants to be done with the letters now because they are getting me nowhere. I know of 5 females he assaulted all at a very young age and he can’t or won’t even admit to it. The first sentence sounds like b.s.  You don’t “act like” you’re doing something like having sex  especially not as a child. I witnessed actions taking place and on top of that I was told by another victim at the time of the abuse that it was happening to them too.  I initially set out to only write 5 letters and after receiving 5 letters if I had not gotten the outcome I wanted then I would end the communication and cut all ties. If I do respond to this letter it would be short and straight to the point. I may just list every name over and over again as well as the relation to him and be done. Or I may just write how what he did to me affected my life and still affects my life 22 years later. I want to tell him these things but, I don’t want the way I feel to only be turned and twisted into a sick love game for him. At this point I haven’t decided how I will be responding, guess I’ll just give it some time for me to think it over.

Breaking The Silence

Inevitable Relasp

Depression is like a drug that your body and mind have become addicted to but instead of it being some narcotic you become addicted to a feeling. The feeling of pain and sorrow. Well, at least that’s how its been for me. For the most part I manage my life to revolve around my depression. But, other times it’s as if everything is out of my control and depression takes over for a few days or a few weeks, sometimes even months. Depression hits me and it becomes hard to shake, so it sticks around and progresses until I can no longer take it and decide that I want out.

The only issue is trying to break up with depression is it’s almost impossible. There are a couple of ways to deal with depression. The first that is pushed for is medication. There are so many types of medication to choose from, but medication doesn’t always work, especially with someone who hasn’t had any treatment and depression isn’t caught early on. I’ve had depression since I was an adolescent and when I asked for help at the age of 9 I didn’t get it. At the age of 20 is when I began taking pills. I was prescribed Zoloft for my depression and it didn’t work for me. Medication made me less emotional, but didn’t help with the thoughts and feelings. It actually made them get stronger. While on zoloft the feelings and suicidal thoughts I had before hand were more pressing. At one  point I had to talk myself out of driving off a bridge. It was a thought I’d had before but never actually acted on it. It was as if the Medication had given me the courage to do What I could never do before, end my life. I didn’t like that at all, and eventually I stopped taking those pills. For me the medicine didn’t help maybe it was just the brand of pills or the fact that before 20 Id never had any help with my mental illness, either way it wasn’t for me.

Another option which was offered to me was counseling. I was fearful at first, the thought of talking to someone who I don’t even know about my life scared me. I couldn’t talk with anyone else at the time but a boyfriend and he could only help so much, so I agreed to the counseling. My first session at the office was my last at the office. I went in and the lady was really sweet and made me feel comfortable. She just asked me questions about my life and we briefly talked before she told me that she wanted to continue the sessions and keep me on the pills my doctor prescribed. After leaving there I ended up joining a network online were I could video chat with a counselor or write to them and they’d give me advice. All professionals were licensed and I chose who I wanted to speak with. One of the doctors was such a great help to me because it seemed he really listened to me and offered me a new alternative.

The alternative  I have been offered was Emdr therapy. Emdr  ( Eye movement desensitization reprocessing)  is a process that helps people with trauma. Emdr Can be done by yourself or with a professional. I never got to do the Emdr but I think I may still try. I’m unsure how effective it is but it’s worth a shot.

With all the treatments to be offered it seems they are just that a treatment not a complete fix. For me, at least I haven’t found my cure for the sunken place of depression. I wish that I could come across the answer. Until then I guess I’ll be stuck with the  doom days that seem they’ll never end. I’m still searching and willing to try something new especially if it’ll help me.

What treatments have you taken up to help cope with your depression?

Breaking The Silence

Suziee Speaks!

Suziee Speaks to me is deeper than just being words, deeper than just a phrase, and deeper than just being a title. I thought long and hard about what I wanted my blogging name to be and what I wanted people to know me as. After thinking long and hard one day I fell asleep and when I woke its was as if I had all the answers. Suziee Speaks stuck out to me and was the only name I couldn’t get out of my mind.

Suziee isn’t my government name, it’s a nickname given to me by one of my cousins when we were close. My real name being Jade, growing up I always hated that my name was so short. For some reason I still always had to correct people on its pronunciation. “Jada, Jewel, or Joy” were a few of the wrong names I’d been called over the years. For a summer I went to Tennessee and while there my cousins gave me the nickname suziee and from then on out that’s what I have been to everyone, Suziee!

Suziee to me is like an alter ego. It gives me a chance to be Someone different. If you’ve ever met me then you know I’m  quiet and reserved and stick to myself or the people I know. Suziee, I like to think of as the more open side of me though. Less reserved and more fun.

Speaks at the end of Suziee speaks is just as important to me. I specifically chose both words. I chose speaks because I am opening up and telling my story. I am talking. I am doing something I haven’t done before and that’s opening up to people I don’t even know. I don’t talk to everyone so people don’t know me nor understand me, I figured it’s time I changed that.

With me being so reserved and quiet I decided that me opening up I needed a name that represented that. Suziee Speaks is actually an ironic name to me. It’s the opposite of what everyone is used to getting from me. People who know me are used to me shying away from the spotlight and not saying much. Most people who know me will say I am quiet, which is true unless I’m comfortable around you.

All in All Suziee Speaks represents me using my voice. It represents me breaking out of my shell and letting loose. Suziee Speaks is me using my “alter ego”, my fun more open side and turning it into something positive.The name itself is encouraging, because for so long I was in a shell afraid to just be me. In this process I have found myself, and my voice and I’m ready to use it!!!

What’s your alter ego go to name?

Breaking The Silence

To vent or not to vent?

Being a sexual assault and now rape victim you can’t always find people who understand you. For the most part people just feel sorry for you or don’t care at all because they can’t understand or can’t relate. You come across a hand full of people who you can talk to and even then, if they havent experienced the things that you have they can only help you so much. So, the question is do you still talk and if so who do you talk to?

For me I have so many family members who have experienced sexual abuse just like me but no one wants to talk about it. Everyone wants to suppress the memories and let the pain build but I can’t do that. The only family member I have that will listen and give advice is my eldest brother. He has been very helpful in helping me through this journey and of all the people he’s the only one who said they would be here for me and hadn’t left. He’s never experienced sexual abuse but he helped to raise me so in a way he’s like a father figure and a big brother all in one. He tries his best to understand as much as he can. As far as other family memebers are concerned there’s really no one in the family who will listen or wants to talk about it. So if you don’t have family you can go to who do you talk to?

For me I’ve learned that good friends are hard to come by. So, when you do find a good friend you keep them around. I’ve had a few good friends in my life some I have lost and others stuck around. Those friends are friends I’ll keep forever. When I go to them with any problem they are around to listen. With me discussing my sexual abuse past and present they are good listeners. But, rage often takes over them and by the end of the discussion they’re ready to hurt someone and feeling sorry for me. I hate when people feel sorry for me.

Besides the three people I have to talk with there’s no one else who knows me. My brother and 2 close friends have been the only 2 people I’ve talked with daily about the things that trouble me the most; like my abuse. But what do you do when there’s no one around to understand and relate to you?

In a perfect world I’d have my mother by my side helping me through this experience since she can relate to it but that isn’t the case. I’ve learned by watching and trying to talk to her about how I feel about my past that she isn’t ready. She doesn’t want anything to do with it , I can’t even get her to read my blogs. Can’t lie that really hurts but, you can’t force someone to do something that they aren’t ready for. Of all the people to talk to I’d love for it to be her. I say that because she knows me and can relate and that’s the best combo to come by.

Being a victim we often think the best thing to do is to hold everything in but honestly that isn’t the best option. I wish I had known earlier that talking about it makes you feel so much better. That expressing your rage and emotions is like lifting a weight off your shoulders. The best choice is to talk, and not runaway  it’s helped me a lot. But when you don’t have friends or family where do you go?

There’s an option of counseling but honestly I prefer not to talk with someone who’s main outcome is to get a check. I have found writing to be a great comforter. I’ve also joined social groups where there are millions of people like me. That has been a rewarding experience. Talking with regular people who are also survivors of abuse is like finally finding a home. Finding somewhere that you fit in. Not only does everyone understand but some go through the same things as you. There are people who are around who understand you and don’t judge you or feel sorry for you. They are just people listening and giving advice because they can relate.

The answer to the question when you don’t have family or friends around to lend a listening ear you search and you find someone who will listen. There are people who will not just listen to you but they will understand you as well. I felt lost and unable to vent like I needed to the people i did have so I found people who knew just what to say and just how I felt. Sometimes the best help comes from a stranger.I’ll admit at first I wasn’t sure talking to strangers would help but it has. It’s been comforting knowing that someone finally gets me.

I’m no doctor nor counselor but I am a great listener. I’ve been able to comfort a few people because I’ve been able to relate to them and to really understand. To anyone who feels that they have nowhere to turn and no one to listen search harder there’s always someone even if they are a stranger.

P.s. I Don’t know if itll help anyone but my email is always open! suzieespeaks@gmail.com