Breaking The Silence

Charlemagne using spanish fly to rape someone

After listening to this podcast I was triggered. He literally bragged about raping a young lady. If you put something  in someone’s drink (Spanish Fly ) without their knowledge that is wrong. If you then proceed to have sex with them without their consent while they are passed out you indeed have raped someone. The fact that he is laughing as he tells this story is disgraceful. From listening to the podcast it seems his knowledge of what rape and consent were off, he has clearly been misinformed. He had to be told that he raped this young lady. As a public figure, a celebrity, and successful black man he should know better and be better informed.

This is America as a minority the odds are always against African-American people especially our black men. This can be a teachable moment for everyone both men and women. Our future generations need to know right from wrong and should start learning  early on. If you have young boys or girls raise them to understand right from wrong. Raise our young women to understand that unless they want to have sex and actually give consent to the person that they do not have to do anything they don’t want to do. Have them to understand being forced to do anything that they do not want to do is rape and is not okay. Raise young men to understand that if a female cannot say yes then the answer is NO! Raise our children to understand what rape actually is, raise them to understand how detrimental it can be to the other person for the rest of their lives.  Our future leaders need to be knowledegable so that they do not to make the same mistakes that we as a country are making right now.

The rape epidemic is on the rise and it should not be that way.  There are many things which could be to blame. One of those is both victims and predators not being knowledgable. The other is these rapist not being held accountable for their own actions. In not being held accountable it shows other predators that they can rape someone and get away with it. Rape is not and will never be okay and that is the way it should be perceived and handled by the world.

Charlemagne should be held accountable for his actions. I have been reading comments left by his fans and followers and it shows just how lost we are. It is believed  he is not a rapist because the woman has not come forward. To anyone with this train of thinking you are wrong. If you listen to the podcast Charlemagne tells the story for her, What he describes is indeed rape! This is not the first time Charlemagne has talked about raping someone but because he is so high in power he hasn’t been held accountable. Power should not be what stops a victim from getting justice. Everyone deserves justice! We as a people need to do better and have to do better so that we can have better outcomes in the future!#BreakTheSilence

Breaking The Silence, Letters From A Pedophile, Wake up

Letter from A pedophile pt. 2

Jade,
Was up girl how are you doing why have you not wrote me a letter back. I hope we can be family again never be afraid to ask me anything. I’m here for you.just send me your number so I can call you, you have been on my mind now so tell me the real how are you for real. Tell me you’re a strong black woman. How is our relationship going to be. Now i intend to be the best so can i have a chance at making you happy for once in life. I have a lot of things to tell u. I was so in love with you girl was i wrong for loving you so much? Please hit me back. I know its things on your mind. Just like it’s on my mind. I want to start my day knowing we are ok and getting our goals out the way. But i understand if you hate me, i don’t want you to hate me if you do. When i come home i need you by my side because at the end of the day we are family and i need your support too, not money i have that but love i promise to never hurt you again but i feel sorry for the nigga who try to. How old are you now? and can you send me your birthday so i can keep up with it. My only concern is getting right with Allah and you so teach me the way. And don’t be stubborn. I always loved you and i cant lose you my heart is yours jade. love you

Love always tevrous bomer
Write me back

This letter was the second letter I received from him and I had not even replied to the first letter. Looking in the mail I honestly didn’t want to read it but curiosity got the best of me. I thought, I didn’t reply to him so what is he writing me about. Not even a month after the first letter he had sent this one. He didn’t send it himself though another inmate sent it off for him. I know because the name and number on the outside of the envelope weren’t his own. I opened the letter and read the first few sentences and a rage grew over me. How dare him, I thought. He doesn’t even know me or anything about me.I began to go over in my head the things I wanted to say to him. I am a very strong Black Woman but, him saying it irritated every nerve that I have. To me it was something he shouldn’t say because he hurt me. Reading the first letter I was like okay this may not be so bad, but this letter made me want to give up. He said that he was in love with me. Me?, A 5-year-old child at the time. We are 9 years apart, how? I tried to comprehend the way he thought. Tried to understand but I can’t.

This letter was the eye opener for me. This letter helped me realize that I wanted to study Psychology and become a victim advocate. I say this was the determining factor for me to choose psychology over social work because this letter was written by someone who thinks of me as someone I am not. He wrote to me as if we are in love. Not as if he had hurt me. That made me feel sorry for him because I realized he would never understand how wrong that is. The way that he thinks isn’t normal, it’s far from it. It’s a sad reality.

Everyone that I let read this letter was angry or sad. My older brother just kept apologizing to me as if it were his fault. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, that doesn’t change a thing. I want people to realize how they feel when they read the letters doesn’t compare to the emotions it causes me. I want people to understand how serious this is. I want people to read these letters or hear my story and want to make a difference. Don’t just say you’re sorry try to save someone else from being abused, change their lives. I have been through this, don’t let anyone else.

My response to this letter was bunt and straight forward. I told him we aren’t friends, we aren’t family and I don’t want to be. I believe he got the message because his third letter was different from this one. I hope he got the message. This letter wasn’t cool at all, it crossed boundaries. It bothered me a lot. The thing that bothered me the most was that he doesn’t even realize how this letter impacted me and probably never will. I wish he could… because certain parts of this letter will forever stick with me. It’ll stick with me as a reminder that I need to go harder than ever and also that I don’t need to give up. This letter was really an eye opener and truth is I still don’t completely know how I should feel about it. As stated before no one can prepare you for talking to your abuser. Unless you are a victim then I believe no one can completely grasp how it feels. I want people to be able to understand but not at the cost of losing a piece of who they are. This is my letter from a pedophile, my first pedophile, my cousin, my family. Within 2 letters I was able to see him for who he was and how he thought. So, my question is why can’t society see a pedophile for what they truly are and treat them as such? I believe in second chances but not when someone else’s life is unwillingly affected by your actions. There are consequences to actions and I believe My abuser and the many other’s that are out there should not be free. Tevrous has been in prison since 2009 and yet in writing a letter to me he’s still comfortable enough to express how he was in love with 5-year-old me. If you ask me ,they don’t change…… They only get better at not getting caught.

Breaking The Silence, Letters From A Pedophile, Wake up

The conclusion

Beginning my journey of reaching out to my first attacker I was unsure how things would go and if I actually wanted to do it. I usually go to my older brother when I need to talk because I know he’s blunt and will tell me the truth. He told me that he was proud of me for confronting Tevrous but I needed to prepare myself for everything, me reaching out could go many ways and I could end up not getting what I wanted. Initially I wrote my attacker because I wanted to visit and tell him off for hurting me, I needed him to add me to his visitation. I wanted him to see me, see the pain I feel, and I wanted to tell him that I forgive him to his face so that I could be done with all of this. So, I reached out to him via letter and since November 2017 I have learned so much more about myself. After writing back and forth with my abuser, I have come to 3 conclusions.

The first conclusion is that he can’t change. I will be posting the letters’ that he has written to me and some of the things he says is like whoa. The first 2 letters are the ones that really made me feel some type of way. The second letter in general is what made me wish I hadn’t reached out in the first place. After he wrote me back the first time, I didn’t know how to respond so for a while I didn’t. In the process of thinking and waiting I received a second letter from him asking why I hadn’t responded yet. Truthfully, I never anticipated a response from him. I was expecting to not hear from him at all. Before sending off my first letter I had it in my head that he wasn’t even going to reply to me, I think because if I were in his position that’s what I would have done. I would be too ashamed to reply, but that’s the difference between he and I because he’s been very persistent in writing me. I say he can’t change because in the letters you will see his overly expressive affection for me. He wrote to me as if I were his wife or girlfriend not his cousin or the girl whose innocence he stripped away

The second is that I no longer needed to go visit. After reading his letters I know me going to see him would be just a win for him. He feels he has me back in his life, and I believe he thinks of me as his girlfriend or lover. It’s bad enough he’s comfortable enough writing me the things that he has. I don’t need to go meet him face to face so that he knows what I look like. He actually asked me for a picture in his letter. Wanted to know what I looked like now, of course that request was shot down. But, me sending him a letter brought many emotions for him all of which he didn’t mind sharing in his letters. He’s overly eager to take care of me, see me and make sure no one else hurts me. Mentally I don’t believe he understands how I feel or think about him. To him what he did is long gone and we are supposed to communicate like nothing ever happened. After his second letter I decided I would no longer be visiting but I would keep writing him because I wanted answers from him and was hoping for a meaningful apology. Let’s just say I realized I won’t be getting that either.

Lastly, Reaching out to my abuser helped me realize what I wanted to be in life. It’s crazy it took for me to talk to the guy who hurt me for me to be like boom! This is what i want to do and this is who I want to be. I juggled for a while with what i wanted to go to school for; social work or psychology. The deadline to enroll for school was approaching and after talking with him I decided on a major in psychology with a minor in criminal justice. Psychology is defined as “the scientific study of the human mind and its functions, especially those affecting behavior in a given context.” I am already a very observant person, so I feel I would be great at this. I love learning about people and reading people. I specifically want to be a victim advocate. I enjoy helping people and I know victims don’t always have anyone they can go to but, I want to change that. I guess in a way communicating with him helped me remove the cloud in my head and I became able to think clearer. I have since enrolled in school and have began to develop the idea of getting young girls together on weekends and taking them on trips. I have been in the position of being abused and not feeling like I can tell everyone. So, I want to create a safe place for girls where they can escape whatever they are facing and can talk freely without feeling like they have no one. I want girls and boys to grow up better than I did, no one should experience being abused. Everyone should be able to go somewhere where they feel free and can be themselves. The children are our future leaders, They will be our future voice so, we should treat them as such.

Overall I am split in the middle; between this was a good idea and I shouldn’t have done this. I am proud of myself because I did what I said I would do. Never in a million years did I think I would actually write him and he would actually respond, but I did and he replied. I definitely wasn’t prepared for his letters. I don’t think anything could have prepared me for that. Not knowing what he will say or how he will respond is probably the hardest part in this. None of his letters have given me anything I have wanted verbally from him. But, they have made me want to go harder. Every letter I have received I have cried and talked to my brother about. In every one of his letters he says something that irritates me more than anything. After every letter my mind goes to the same place, this has to be stopped. I think no child or adult should ever have to go through this. I begin brainstorming and to myself I always say my children will not go through what I went through. For so long I feared having children and wanting children because I have been afraid that they would go through what I went through. Family hurt me, and I can’t protect them from everyone, that’s been my thought process. But, after his letters I am no longer fearful for my future children because I know in my heart I will one day Break The Silence and Break The Cycle. That’s truthfully the reason I started my blog. Victims need to be heard and Abusers need to be prosecuted.

The world has become filled with too many victims and it’s sickening. Children should never know what it means to be molested, Never. Yet, too many do and that really hurts me more than anything. After communicating with the man who molested me beginning at 5 years old, after reading and feeling him not being remorseful I need there to be a change. I can’t change the things that happened to me but I can make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else. My letters are proof that a pedophile can’t change or feel. Tevrous is scheduled for parole in 2022. That is a few years away but I’m not ready. The fact that I could walk into the grocery store and he be there is something I don’t believe I will ever be ready for. Honestly, I do believe he will hurt someone again I pray he doesn’t but I am not his first victim, nor was I his last. Reading his letters made things so real for me. Made me realize how strong I am now and also how weak I had been. I gained insight to myself that I may have never seen if I hadn’t reached out to him. It helped me realize hat he won’t change not to hold my breath. Also helped me realize I need to go harder so that I could make a difference. I know it won’t be easy but it will definitely be worth the effort. Going forward any letter I receive I will be posting it to my blog and writing how I reacted and feel reading it. Some are painful to read and others aren’t. I know one thing for sure no matter how painful it may be, I won’t let him win. He doesn’t deserve to. Have any of you ever reached out to your abuser? If so how did it turn out?

Breaking The Silence

Secrets

” Family patterns, Like family secrets repeat themselves.” According to The American Counseling Association ” Every 8 minutes a child is sexually assaulted in the untied states and 93% know their perpetrator. Many perpetrators of sexual abuse are in a position of trust or responsible for the child’s care such as a family member , teacher, clergy member, or coach.” All 3 of my predators were family to me, they were men put in a position to protect me but they didn’t. They abused the power. Over the years I have watched as accusations against family have come out and it has been swept under the rug. Watched as accusations against public figures have been made and the cases seemed to disappear. Watched in the media as men high in power have been accused of being predators to women or children and yet again people feel it shouldn’t be discussed. That things such as these should disappear. I disagree, I believe no matter the relationship, Status or power people should be held accountable for their actions. Especially those accused of being sexual predators. No child, little boy, little girl, woman or man should be abused by anyone. Keeping it secret doesn’t help either, secrets destroy lives.

In my last blog post I mentioned a close friend who had been accused of being a predator. Before posting I told him I would be writing about him. His response was more so concerned with me leaking his name and who he or his family was . “You know I’m a private person”, and “that’s a family thing.” Which I get, people don’t like everyone in their business. But, looking at things from a different perspective say you had actually been proven to be a predator would it still need to be private? I can tell you from first hand experience not saying something, keeping things ” in the family” is what in the end hurts the family the most. If you had been proven to be a predator and your family was like you and wanted to keep things private then what would happen when you weren’t charged? What would happen when you were placed around more children? What would happen when you got the urge and you hurt someone else; a stranger, a friend’s child, or even another family member? Would privacy still be the main concern? Would Pride and fear of what other people thought still be more important than the safety of another individual? People say they are for something until shit hits the fan, until shit gets real. I guess my step father was right about one thing Man’s worst fear is being found out. And you are part of the problem.

My first predator had been caught in the act with me two times. The issue is no one ever tried to stop it from happening again. His room was in back of the house with three entrances. One leading to hallway the other leading outside the last to the laundry area. All doors were closed except the one leading to the laundry area ; that door was cracked. In the mist of forcing me to participate in oral and stroke his penis my aunt his step mother had walked into the laundry area. To get there she had to walk past the cracked door. It was open wide enough that when she walked past the door I saw her, I looked into her eyes. Tevrous kind of jumped up fixed his self and then moved me , so that I sat in the chair beside him. After he had adjusted himself my aunt came into the room and asked, ” what y’all doing in here?” Tevrous response was “nothing” and my aunt said okay and turned around and closed the door. She never came back either. She saw what had occurred , you could see it across her face but it was as if she had seen it before. She didn’t say a thing and it never came back up. She saw the act happening but kept quiet.

I learned early on that I wasn’t the only one. It wasn’t until I got older that I found out the number was greater than I knew. After being released from Tevrous one morning I ran into the hallway trying to get as far away as possible. In the process of getting away I ran into my cousin, his stepsister. She asked, “What y’all be doing in there?” Scared I would be in trouble, I said “nothing.” She looked at me with a sad look on her face, and said “I know what ya’ll be doing in there.” I didn’t understand how she knew until I saw her head in the direction of his room. She watched me as she closed the door to his room locking it behind her. That was the day that I discovered I wasn’t the only one.

When the accusations against Tevrous began to come out, family was divided. Some family members were angry but most wanted it to be hushed. At the time of the accusations the statute of limitations had not run out. If charges had been brought against him at the time of the accusations Tevrous could have been charged. He wouldn’t have been able to go on to Michigan where he was arrested for being with an underage girl. Tevrous wouldn’t have been able to go on and hurt more family members. People care too much about what other people think. Outsiders are going to talk about you whether you are doing good or bad. There will always be someone saying something. I would rather have someone talking about the truth. Family is family but if they do something wrong they should be held accountable You can’t and shouldn’t protect a predator.

Over the years I have learned my family has many secrets. Secrets no one was ever supposed to know about. My generation was not the first nor last generation to be sexually abused by a predator. Those who came before me, those who helped to raise me; my mother, aunts, grand parents, cousins and many others were victims. So my story wasn’t something new to them. They had either heard it , seen it, or experienced it themselves. Like experience though they hushed the things that were brought up. They continued to allow the men who were predators to be in a position that allowed them to be able to hurt someone else. Even if the people being hurt were family.

I learned that the home I enjoyed going over as a child was the home of a predator. Who in his younger age preyed on the women who came before me. People knowing that this man was a predator still allowed me and other family members to go over to his home and stay. Still allowed us to be left alone with him because they didn’t want what he had done to be known by someone else. Predators always strike again. A pedophile doesn’t stop wanting to be with a certain type of victim just because you tell him to. The ratio of women to men in my family is high. It is sad that there’s a small group of men and almost all of them have preyed on victims. Majority of the women in my family should not know what it feels like to be victimized. When someone does something they need to be held accountable. Not disclosing information and not punishing people when they do wrong only lets them know that they can do it again. Regardless of the relationship they should be held accountable. Those men not being held accountable is what led them to do it again and again and again. That’s what led to the sexual abuse victim rate within my family to be so high. They may not tell their story but unlike them I don’t care what other people think. I want to stop the victimization from our own blood. You stop it head on they won’t make into the community to hurt someone else. It starts at home.

“What’s done in the dark, always come to light. ” Secrets like these have found a way to manifest themselves up. Even after many years, they didn’t die down. Those predators who were allowed to be free preyed on someone else, again and again it became repetitive until there was no one new left. They knew they could do this without getting in trouble for it, so why not continue. After they were tired of the usual they went outside the boundaries family had created for them. They preyed on someone else someone new, only this time it wasn’t family. Family can’t protect you forever. Eventually you mess with the wrong person and you get caught. That is what happened to my first Predator Tevrous. If he hadn’t been caught he would still be out there ruining more lives.

I wrote this blog because speaking from experience Black families sweep molestation under the rug and protect the predators more often than it is spoken on. The victim is forced to live in silence while their predator is set free, able to live and see the person he hurt, able to live like they have done nothing. I’m ready for that to stop, because it needs to stop. My niece, and My future children will not be exposed. The next generations should not be exposed to this lifestyle, to the secrets and cover ups. Black communities already deal with so much. The odds are already stacked against us, why add to it? Why make the future generation, your future legacies go through more than they have to?

A pedophile can’t change the way that they think or feel. A predator will always be a predator, we can’t change that. We can change how we handle them and the circumstances people get placed in . We can change things by taking away the positions of power they are given, where they can freely can victimize someone else. In the moments that abuse has happened the predator needs to be charged. If they can be caught before they hurt someone that would be even better. Sexual abuse is something that has become too common. Predators have become too comfortable preying on people because they know that they can get away with it. They know that no one will do anything, it has to change. 42 million adults who were victims of childhood sexual abuse. 42 million, that number is too high. Of those 42 million how many of their abusers do you believe were caught? I am 1 of the 42 million with 3 predators. Of the three predators none were ever charged. I wasn’t the first victim and not the last. It should have never gotten to me. It should have been stopped way before me. Stop sweeping everything under the rug, because of your pride. Put your self in the victims shoes. How would you feel if you knew your pain, your innocence being stripped away was for nothing. That it meant nothing. That the people who hurt you could do it again and again with no repercussions. How would you feel if your child, your sister or brother was sexually abused and nothing had been done to their predator? It’s time to make a change. Its time to wake up before its too late. Its time to stop the secrets and time to Break The Silence! You can’t stop the inevitable and you won’t be able to save everyone. People will talk no matter the circumstances. It is how you handle those circumstances and the information that matter most. “Secrets and lies kill relationships. No matter how careful you are, you will get caught.” Speak Up…

Breaking The Silence

Chain Reaction

Every action comes with a consequence some good and some bad. We are able to control the outcome of our circumstances and have the power to correct the consequences from our own actions. But, when we are faced with consequences as a result of someone else’s doing the end result is not the same. Think before you act, because what you do can have an impact not just on you but also everyone around you. Being subjected to someone else’s wrong choices during my lifespan has left me with many unwanted side effects which have put me in uncomfortable circumstances.

According to American Counseling Association “Childhood sexual abuse has been correlated with higher levels of depression,guilt, shame, self-blame, eating disorders, somatic concerns, anxiety, dissociation patterns, repression, denial, sexual problems, and relationship problems.” And, ” 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18.” which means , “There are more than 42 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the united states.”42 million people walking around with consequences caused by someone else bad decision. 42 million people who may never be able to live a normal life. 42 million people subjected to predators forced to become a victim, forced to join the survivors. I am 1 of those 42 million who was left with bad side effects. I suffer or have suffered from not 1 not 2 but all of the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse listed above.

As stated in a previous blog post I have suffered from depression since the age of 9. Most days are down days for me. Even with treatment taking medication I still had down days and suicidal thoughts. Depression is by far to me the worst on the list because, its something I have never been able to completely shake. I could wake up in the morning after a good nights rest and start off happy and ready but before the day is over I sink into the funk of depression. But, like stated in my blog its grown with me and I have learned to adapt to the mood of the sinking “Big D”. It shouldn’t be that way though, I should be able to enjoy 1 day without feeling down and losing interest in the things I set out wanting to do the most. It just isn’t fair.

For so long I felt that the way I felt was my fault because I allowed those things to happen. But being a young child against a teenage boy I know there was nothing I could do. Guilt eats away at me because often times I wish I had spoken up or tried even harder to get him to stop. For a while I blamed myself for the things he had done and sometimes still do. I gave him a power over me let him strip away my innocence. I wish more would have been done.

Growing up I was always thinner than everyone around me, and I hated it. It made me feel inferior to everyone else. I tried so hard to gain weight for so long it became a obsession. Hearing everyone comment on me being under weight never helped either. Eventually I grew out of feeling my body wasn’t enough and learned to love every pound that I did have. I now love my size, my shape and everything about me physically.

I tend to suffer from great physical pain over my entire body at times. I’ve learned the cause to be fibromyalgia and depression. These can be connected to somatic symptoms. Our bodies tend to give off pain when in distress. When my mind is under stress from the depression and anxiety and many other things going on my body becomes distressed as well causing pain. Often times before my body becomes taken over I feel fine and then suddenly its as if my world is sinking and my body is under construction. Pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Depression and anxiety are like brother and sister. At times it seems they tend to work together with one another and other times they go against one another. In my most stressful moments anxiety has caused me to go into a panic mode. Before leaving for basic training I was so nervous, more nervous than I had ever been in life. Sitting over a friend’s house one day I was calm sitting and talking when someone told a joke. I  like everyone else laughed at the joke. Only difference is that they stopped laughing. I tried to stop but didn’t I laughed and laughed until I cried until I eventually passed out when I panicked and  realized I couldn’t stop. With my anxiety I also begin to worry about things that aren’t or may never even happen. I worry most about the safety of my family. It’s during those times that I message them long text messages or send pictures and check on them more frequently. It doesn’t sound like a bad thing until it begins to worry them because they begin to believe somethings wrong with me because of my actions.

Growing up whenever faced with reminders of my past I would try erase the thoughts from my mind. For a while I repressed the thoughts until I found a picture or would hear their name. I have tried dissociating things and people with the situation. When I am triggered by words or seeing something I space out and go back to those moments. Moments I wish I was able to forget.

When a cousin of mine came out and publicly admitted being abused by the same predator who attacked me I was in shock. For so long I believed no one ever find out.  I wanted to forget and get over that dark past. When my mother initially asked me I told her no. I was afraid and I didn’t want to talk about what had been done to me. By this time I was in middle school and was on verge of suppressing every bad moment and memory. I Know denial wasn’t the answer.

Growing into a young adult I have gained experience in dating, relationships and what come with them. In my relationships I have learned alot about myself over the years. I dated the same guy for 5 years, he wasn’t my first boyfriend but was my first real love. In being with him I learned that I am hard to love. I’m needy and need constant confirmation that I am enough and that they want to be around. I like to feel wanted and because of that I am often too honest. I speak on probably everything. I am an open book when it comes to love. But, I can also shutdown and shutout loved ones as well. When I am hurt no matter how big or small I shutdown. As a result my relationships with people becomes broken. I’ve had to mend many broken bridges again and again because of the way I feel at times. Because I was subjected to  unwanted actions from others the people I love the most are exposed   to my emotions which put strains on any relationship I try to form.

Sexually I have learned that I have my ups and my downs. After first losing my virginity I believed it would be more, I never received that big “omg” feeling or clingy reaction the first time. My first time was me wanting to get it over with, with someone who was a virgin just like me. I honestly wouldn’t do it again. After finding a suitable partner I learned that I enjoyed sex with him because we had an emotional connection. I learned if I am emotionally in tune with someone I am able to actually enjoy intercourse without being triggered about my past.  I also learned that partners trying to give “wake up calls” isn’t really my thing. Being touched during the night is a trigger because as a child that was what happened. I learned that at times during mid action I can lose interest because although I’m aroused a certain move or a certain look from my partner can change my mood. On the flip side I have learned that overall I love sex and the power it gives me. Sex is about connection and control shared between two people. At a point it seemed I loved it too much, but that has changed.

I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I suffer from many emotional and physical consequences because of it. I know I will never lead a normal life. I may forever suffer from depression and anxiety. My self-esteem may never be where it should. Emotionally I have mood swings that can sometimes be uncontrollable, causing me to hurt those I love. How  I am , and the things I suffer from affect the people around me. Because someone chose to betray me my life will never be “normal. I am not alone, I am just  1 of  42 million people who live with symptoms. No one should have to adjust their life and revolve it around symptoms and characteristics caused by the actions of someone else. Its time to raise awareness on sexual abuse! Its time to stop predators from preying. It’s also time to give recognition to survivors and the day-to-day things they are faced with. The effects of abuse are not easy to live with and no one should be forced to live with them. Its time to Give someone a chance to live without suffering. Break The Silence and Raise Awareness!

Breaking The Silence

The Repeat Betrayal

In September of 2011, My birthday was only a month away I would be turning 16 on Halloween. My mother was away at work. My younger brother was outside at the park which left My stepfather (Drico )and me alone. He told me he wanted to talk with me and it had to stay between us. ” I want to give you head for your birthday”. I froze and stared at him. “Can I give you head for your birthday, I would rather you learn from me than anyone else.” I said no. “If it were any of those little boys you wouldn’t tell them no, would you?”, he said. “I want to be your first.”Aside from his abuse in power I learned that he too would betray me. Men supposed to love and protect me betrayed me. After an abusive childhood of molestation, Aldrick was supposed to be different but he wasn’t.

Earlier that year I had acted out searching for attention in a home where I wasn’t getting any. I met a friend online and began finding solace in him. It started off as something innocent, and soon turned into something more. At the time I was a virgin and had never had a boyfriend. At home I was alone, I felt alone. This guy was like me we talked about our issues and I thought I loved him. We eventually began exchanging pictures. At one point Aldrick went through my phone and found them. So as expected my phone was taken away and I was grounded. That didn’t bother me what happened afterwards did. Aldrick called a cop friend and had any pictures sent to  his email. He then saved them to his computer and later printed them off and saved them in a folder in his suitcase. I am unsure why he kept them as I’m supposed to be like his daughter. But, in  2015 I  did get hold to ones I had found  and burned them in my backyard.

Aldrick began printing the pictures off and using them as blackmail at one point. The doorbell rang, one of my brothers friends handed me a paper grinning “this is for you”. I opened up the paper to find a picture with a note that read ” I will tell everyone if you don’t meet me at the mat” I read it and placed it into my top drawer and went off to school paranoid. When I returned home Aldrick had my mother go into my room to get the note I received. Which helped me know it was him. Aldrick’s next trick was to tell my father. He sent the pictures to him through text.

After all of his mind tricks  Drico had put me through he ended up having  one more  major one  up his sleeve. I was asked to stay home from school 1 day so I did. I was told I would be put on birth control. My mother went off to work, which left me and him alone. Aldrick called me into the living room where I was made to sit and watch porn for hours. If I tried to leave the room he would push me back into the living room and hold me still. After his videos went off he asked me to get naked in front of him or he would post pictures all over my Facebook account. I said no, because I knew he could never get my password. He had been drinking that day, and everywhere I went he would follow me.”Let me see”. He cornered me into my room pushing against me until I fell on the bed. He laid on me with beer on his breath breathing down my neck. He held down my arms and pulled down my pants. He rubbed his hands across my pubic area and then looked at me. He said, ” If I wanted to I could take it, you know that”, ” and Don’t try running to your brother or your mama I told them I was doing this today”. He then looked at me smiled and walked out the room. I spent most of that day locked  in my room going over what had happened and almost did again..

Fast forward to September 2011 when he asked me to be his first. A few days prior we went to the park where he asked if I was still a virgin, which I was. He asked if I felt I was ready to lose my virginity, I told him I didn’t know. At the time The day he asked me to lose my virginity to him, he was so sure I was going to say yes. He smiled as he asked if he could be my first. When I told him no he began to get frustrated as if he didn’t comprehend why I was telling him no. After he’d calm down  he asked me to think about it, trying to be persuasive saying things like “I won’t hurt you, I love you” and ” I’ll go slow”.  As it grew time for my mother to come home he told me that we never had that conversation and I couldn’t tell anyone especially my mother. I tried avoiding my mother most of that day. I avoided her cause in my mind I was contemplating how I was going to tell her that the man she loved was a predator. So I  went outside to the park where I called my older brother. He is who I usually run to when I have a troubled mind. But thus day  I was scared half to death to talk to him. I  eventually told him what Drico had asked me. He said, I needed to tell my mother. Hesitant and scared of the results, I told her what he had requested from me.

While Aldrick was in the restroom I told my mother what he had asked. She cried and made me repeat myself. She banged on the restroom door and asked what he had told me. “Huh”, “what you talking bout?” He tried to stay in the restroom as long as he could. “Shes lying”, he exclaimed as he came out the restroom. “It was just a joke”, he said. My mother furious kicked him out the house. He looked at me and said, ” I don’t know why you told her that, you know that’s going to hurt her”. He then left with a packed bag.

” You can bring a horse to water but can’t make them drink”.  During that time I expected my mother to call the police start investigations,but she didn’t. Instead she let him come back. After the day that he returned I just tried to keep my distance. Love can make you do some strange things and I know my mother was blinded by love. I used to blame her for the things that he did, but it isn’t her fault. I always ask her 1 question though, ” Why” “Why did you bring him back?” She has never been able to answer that for me. Honestly, she doesn’t need to. I know that my mother feels for the things that occurred due to him. I answered things for myself a while ago; hope. The belief that the guy she loved wasn’t this evil man she had grown with. She wanted to remember him  the way he was when she met him, not as the man who tried to have sex with her 15-year-old daughter. When blinded by love people can tell you about all the negative but until you’re ready to see it for yourself it will never affect the way that  you view  someone or something.

Aside from me asking my mother why, we never really discussed it anymore. Sexual abuse in the Black community is something that occurs so often. Yet, when brought up the accusations are not discussed and rarely reported. It is more so frowned upon to discuss incest, molestation or abuse in the family. Black families; like my family would rather things such as these be forgotten or no longer spoken on. Secrets locked away to be forgotten. I am here to say these people, These stories, and these moments should not be forgotten. These stories being “forgotten” allows the predator to win, and be free. It allows them to do the same thing to someone else. They don’t deserve that. The victims don’t either. So, to abuse victims/survivors make them listen, open those locked closets and let out those secrets. Secrets like these aren’t meant to be kept. Telling could save someone else from being harmed as well. It’s time to make a change and   Break The Silence people!!!

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

Abusing power

After my freshman year of high school ended, we moved to an extended stay and  I had to switch high schools (school 2 of 3) . In 2012 we would be moving back to Tennessee, so to save money we went to live at Legacy Suites. After moving schools and checking on the bus routes we were told they did not come out near our temporary home. Which left us with finding other means of transportation for me.  My mother drove in the direction of my school often but My step father (Drico) said I wasn’t allowed to ride in his vehicles. So, everyday I walked. I walked  in rain or the beaming sun to school and back home. From Legacy Suites extended stay to Tolleson High School was 2 miles one way. I’m unsure if those reading have ever been to Arizona but its very hot. 117-124 degrees on the average day. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the exercise at times and being able to get out of the house. But, at other times it was stressful and seemed Drico went out of his way to make sure my life was ran the way he wanted it to be.

I called my grandfather one day as it was pouring raining, and he came and picked me up and dropped me off at home. Drico got angry and said I wasn’t allowed to get a ride from anyone. During the rain or a heat wave I was expected to walk and to turn down a ride when offered. Walking home each day I had to cross the highway where I was honked at continuously. Being a young female especially walking alone can be terrifying. You never know what predicaments you may fall into. A older man followed me all the way home one day.  Looking over my shoulder I could see him pacing behind me, as I turned around he would stop and act as if he needed service. I walked faster and faster hoping I’d make it home to be “safe”.

One of my first real bad episodes of syncope(Fainting) happened after walking to school one morning. As I was getting closer to the school my vision began to go out. I walked as fast as I could so that I could sit. When I arrived I sat at a bench with my head between my legs to try and get my vision to become clear. For a while it didn’t. When it came to I went to the restroom and cried. I felt sick and weak and knew I needed to go home. But, I knew that meant I’d have to walk to get there. No need in missing a day of school to do the same thing I would have to do anyway. And leaving also meant I’d be be home with Drico alone. So, I waited until things were clear and I continued on with my day.

Drico exercised his power frequently. In moments were it was proper and others were it was not. For my 16th birthday(Halloween)  I got to take my brothers and his friends trick or treating as a “reward”My dad has a tradition of  sending us birthday cards every year with money inside. When it wasn’t my birthday I still received a car with money and vice versa for my younger brother. For my 16th birthday my dad sent cards to me and my brother. My younger brother received his and I was told their wasn’t anything for me which I knew was a lie. So I called my dad and I asked if he sent me anything he said, yes. He then resent me another card with cash in it and this time Drico told me that I wouldn’t get it until he felt i was ready. When I did get my card it was after my birthday, the envelope had been opened and my card was empty. He had done this for several holidays. Any card I got on birthdays or holidays was searched and held until he felt the need to give them to me.

Spring of 2012 I did my first audition to become a model in the model mall search. I was rewarded with a proposal to join the modeling agency with an agent. I was allotted a free photo shoot, and portfolio. I did my free photo shoot and waited for my portfolio to come in the mail. The day that it did I wasn’t allowed to watch the TV featuring every photo I took. . Drico exclaimed that he felt I looked too grown and didn’t want anyone looking at me. When asked what happened to my contract he said it never came. Yet, it did I saw the box on the counter. Til this day I am unsure what he did with all of my things.

Living with Aldrick I was never able to do anything I wanted to do unless he deemed it necessary. When it came to school sports and activities if I had to pay anything it was best to expect not participating. Track and field I was allowed to participate in 8th grade because he was given title of assistant coach. He came and helped us to practice and it was also free. When high-school came around I was not given the same opportunities. Track, Cheer and soccer were sports I was interested in but Drico said I couldn’t because it would be a waste of his money. I offered to get a job even  walked around phoenix and filled out applications, but I was told I could’t do that either. Why?, the question I’ve always wondered.

Power has a way of making people do things to show their true colors. Drico was a man fueled by power and he abused it every chance he got.  If it wasn’t his way it was the wrong way. 3 years we lived with him. 3 years we went through hell because of him wanting to exercise his power. I built a rage for him over those years, wanted him dead at one point. But, I know me being angry is what he wanted. Its as if getting a reaction out of you excited him. Men like this I have put into 1 category and that is category of a coward. I say coward because in the years of knowing this man he never acted this way with men. He preyed on my little brother everyday calling him any name he could think of. Stupid was one he used ever so frequently. “Stupid ass”  he would say whenever my brother did something he didn’t like. Or he would prey on my mother using anything he felt we did wrong as a taunt to her calling her a bad mother. Whenever my older brother or any other male family member was around though he never acted that way with them. Power is ugly and lets you see the truth. Don’t ignore the signs of a coward trying to abuse their  power to justify their own ego.

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

Living with the enemy

“Mans worst fear is being found out”. A quote my step-father recited regularly as if his life depended on it. I guess we are going to see if that is true, is mans worst fear being found out? I guess we will find out now because, Aldrick Kyles(Drico) this post is about you. 2009 my mother introduced us to Drico as they began dating. I was hesitant at first, as stated before I’m good with figuring out who to distance myself from. Eventually he won me over, me and my two brothers. He seemed the perfect “father figure.” My mother was happy and so were all of us. We as a family decided to move back to Arizona. Drico moving along with us, him and his 2 dogs. Aldrick started off as a sweet guy but he was nice until we moved. My siblings and I soon learned he liked control.

After moving back to Arizona my family and I moved into a 2 story home in Avondale. I was in 8th grade at the time. It was the middle of summer and our air conditioning had went out, Drico spent the summer complaining. I being a young lady had started my cycle during this time and disposed of my items in a bag, that went out side. As I was taking my trash outside one-day he stopped me ripped the bag from my hand and opened it up. He then cussed me because he wanted to see what I had. He told my mother that he shouldn’t have seen that and I’ll have to figure out another way. This was only the beginning of his petty moments.

My siblings and I had a ritual of washing dishes on a set schedule. My family cooked, one night and it was my night to do the dishes. I washed all the dishes except 1, it was a pan that I left to soak. Later that night Drico came home in a rage and that night he decided to take it out on me. He came yelling saying that I needed to wash that dish and I explained to him that the food wasn’t coming up and I was leaving it to soak. Any other night we would leave dishes to soak but for some reason this night it wasn’t right. He went upstairs yelling at my mother before leaving out the house his last words were “If I leave its going to be your fault”. All over 1 dish left in the sink to soak, I don’t think so. Looking back I believe that was a test of his power to see how much power he held not over me or my siblings, but my mother. I say that because not to soon after he had left she called me into her room and asked if I wanted him to leave. I just stared at her. She then repeated the same thing he had earlier; ” If he leaves, it will be your fault”.After returning home and calming down he told me I didn’t deserve to sleep in my room. So, I gathered my cover and went to our game room and laid on the couch. He then told me I can’t sleep on his furniture or use his cover. So, I was left to sleep on the floor in an unfurnished bedroom, with no cover or pillows. For a month I did this until he felt I deserved to share my bed with my little brother. That I had earned it. This was only touching surface at what Aldrick would do. We later moved to a different home this year.

In 2010 I was beginning high school. Summer of 2010 Aldrick made a wager with me and my siblings, in order for us to all get new shoes for school we would have to do something he wanted us to do. I hate tea, it makes me sick. In order to get my 2 pair of shoes I would have to drink a glass of tea. My younger brother doesn’t eat any form of condiments on anything. In order to get shoes for school he would have to eat a tuna fish sandwich. And my older brother was made to run around the block in the nude. Humor for Drico really. We got 2 pair of shoes, ones we had no say so over. Driko picked out which shoes we could have. October of 2010 my older brother went to the Army which left me, my younger brother, mother and Aldrick. By march of 2011 my dogs had made puppies, 3 survived; white girl, Cocoa and Phoenix. Puppies were being puppies one day running around the house playing. Aldrick frustrated with this grabbed Phoenix and slung him against the wall breaking his leg. As he whined, we tried to go to help him he told us not to touch him. For hours he wined, the puppies were eventually given away to neighbors and the pound.

At this time Aldrick had begun going down a mentally abusive path. My 10-year-old brother was told on a daily basis that he was stupid. Like cats and dogs they would argue everyday until my mother intervened. In summer of 2011 my grandmother had gotten sick and my younger brother flew down to be with my dad during this time. I was volunteering at a doctor’s office so was unable to go. It was June 2011 when my mother and Aldrick had gotten into an argument. Aldrick grew a rage and began trashing the house breaking everything insight. Blood dripped from his hands as he busted glass and broke TV’s and tables. If you had walked into the home it looked like a murder scene. My mother and I sat watching as he paced back and forth holding his hand like a little child. My mother and I grabbed Gator and we left and went to the park. This was the first of many episodes we would witness from Aldrick.

Summer of 2011 my grandmother passed away and I spent the summer in Tennessee with my father. After my brother and I returned to Arizona it was as if Aldrick had turned a new leaf. He was a new man, but only when my mother was around. I don’t believe he wanted children. He had begun turning off the hot water whenever we went to shower. We were timed only 5 minute showers. He turned the hot water back on when he or my mother were showering though. Whenever my older brother came home he would sneak outside and cut the hot water on for my brother and I. We had to sneak to shower in our own home. It seemed Driko would only get worse.

One night Aldrick and my mother had an altercation and he was outraged again. She asked if he had taken his medicine. This night my younger brother would see the uglier side of him that I saw earlier that summer. This night Aldrick began yelling at the top of his lungs. He stayed up yelling until 3am ; just yelling. He paced back and forth breaking things from room to room. My mother, Brother and I locked ourselves in my brother’s bedroom. He had a bunk bed. I took the top bunk while they shared the bottom. Aldrick came banging on the door threatening to kill us, saying that he would kill us. ” I’m going to kill you with a string”. We stayed up all night long listening as he exclaimed that he didn’t need us and wanted us dead. That night was one of the scariest nights of my life because I know he meant every thing he said. He was serious. This night my brother and I decided we wanted to move away. That was not the last time that year that we were tested by this man.

Aldrick was a kind man, until he wasn’t. Aldrick was mentally abusive and unsafe to live with. I have several stories to tell involving him and I want people to know him for who he truly is. This is only a glimpse of the hell we endured under the roof with him. It may be bombshells to some but everyone isn’t who they seem to be. I tell these small stories to shine light on Domestic Violence. Many families suffer from Domestic violence and abuse daily yet for fear it isn’t spoken on. I had several moments where I should have spoken on the things that were happening in my home but I was scared of consequences. The consequences not for me but for my family. I never told anyone and as a result for years we endeared life under the rule of Aldrick. Abuse whether physical or mental is something that affects everyone. There are many People out there like Aldrick and they need to be stopped! All forms of abuse needs to be stopped.

Break The Silence!!!

( The featured image is the 1 image I have from the first night Aldrick wrecked our home).

Breaking The Silence

Say Their Name!!

I was asked if I felt it were wrong to use the real names of people whom have hurt me in my Blogs. Honesty, I don’t believe its a wrong decision. This is My life and I’m telling My story. The name(s) that have and will be used is what makes this real!

In life people have choices some good and some bad but, its their decision to make the right one. All choices have a consequence. If you aren’t comfortable enough to have everyone know you’ve done something then you shouldn’t do it.

I am an abuse victim and survivor and I will say the names every chance I get. I used to be unable to say the names and anytime someone said it I’d wince. I couldn’t bear it. But, Now I’m no longer running from names or problems. They made their choice, now its time to face the consequences.

I believe all Survivors should speak their abusers name. Whether its been 5 years or 50 speak their name. No matter their social class or status SPEAK THEIR NAME! Most women who are abused wait to tell their story and as a result, nothing can be done to the abuser because of the statue of limitations on the crime. So, he/she can’t be charged but, that doesn’t mean you still can’t tell your story. That doesn’t and shouldn’t mean they still can’t be held accountable. Its time to Say Their Name! They won’t forget what they’ve done and shouldn’t be given the opportunity to do it again to anyone else. So, Say Their Name; Government Name, Nickname, Street Name, Social Name. You tell your story and don’t forget to mention anyone who’s involved in it! Its your life and you shouldn’t have to sugar coat especially for Anyone who didn’t respect it enough in the first place.

Breaking The Silence

The beggining

As a young female who has faced so many obstacles, I believe its time for me to tell my story! That is why I created this blogging site. I want to tell my story and hopefully help someone else to tell theirs. My life was never ordinary, I never got the chance to live a “normal” life. During my 22 years of living I have endured several acts of molestation by multiple family members, I have lived in an abusive home, dealt with toxic relationships and people.  I have  also battled self-love due to the belief that I wasn’t enough and would never be.

Growing up I never got to tell my story, I was afraid to. I feared opening up to anyone; so  friends were left int the dark. Those close to me who knew of my story never asked, so I never spoke on it. Not speaking on things was not the best idea. Holding everything in led me to have Anxiety. I frequently worry about everything and everyone. Holding  everything in has also led me to have very bad depression. I have not been able to show interest in the things or people who mean the most to me. Depression and Anxiety  work together one is usually triggered by the other, At times it can be Hell! I’m tired of holding onto things that are only hindering me. The longer you hold onto something the deeper it hurts, the more you worry, the more the pain lingers.

I wrote all of that to say this; to anyone with a story, a memory or just someone afraid of letting go, it inst worth losing who you are. It took me 17 years to speak on my journey and the obstacles I have faced along the way,I wish I had said something sooner. After opening up to close friends and immediate family I have felt so much better. I have felt better about myself, my life, and my past. I gained confidence, which is something I didn’t quite have before. To anyone faced with a troubling journey; past or present don’t let it hinder you. Tell your Story!!

I have found that talking about the obstacles I was faced with I gained better understanding about myself. I no longer want to be held back, I’m choosing to tell my truth, telling the stories which have made me who I am. Although they weren’t positive things they were just obstacles that I conquered! The issues I’ve faced I will be detailing in my future blog posts. I’m doing it this way because I don’t want to hide the things I have been through anymore because I know my story does not stand alone. Everyone has their own journey faced with different obstacles, I want people to not be afraid to discuss them freely.I support Breaking the Silence. This is just the beginning. I am telling my story, You should too!