Breaking The Silence

Charlemagne using spanish fly to rape someone

After listening to this podcast I was triggered. He literally bragged about raping a young lady. If you put something  in someone’s drink (Spanish Fly ) without their knowledge that is wrong. If you then proceed to have sex with them without their consent while they are passed out you indeed have raped someone. The fact that he is laughing as he tells this story is disgraceful. From listening to the podcast it seems his knowledge of what rape and consent were off, he has clearly been misinformed. He had to be told that he raped this young lady. As a public figure, a celebrity, and successful black man he should know better and be better informed.

This is America as a minority the odds are always against African-American people especially our black men. This can be a teachable moment for everyone both men and women. Our future generations need to know right from wrong and should start learning  early on. If you have young boys or girls raise them to understand right from wrong. Raise our young women to understand that unless they want to have sex and actually give consent to the person that they do not have to do anything they don’t want to do. Have them to understand being forced to do anything that they do not want to do is rape and is not okay. Raise young men to understand that if a female cannot say yes then the answer is NO! Raise our children to understand what rape actually is, raise them to understand how detrimental it can be to the other person for the rest of their lives.  Our future leaders need to be knowledegable so that they do not to make the same mistakes that we as a country are making right now.

The rape epidemic is on the rise and it should not be that way.  There are many things which could be to blame. One of those is both victims and predators not being knowledgable. The other is these rapist not being held accountable for their own actions. In not being held accountable it shows other predators that they can rape someone and get away with it. Rape is not and will never be okay and that is the way it should be perceived and handled by the world.

Charlemagne should be held accountable for his actions. I have been reading comments left by his fans and followers and it shows just how lost we are. It is believed  he is not a rapist because the woman has not come forward. To anyone with this train of thinking you are wrong. If you listen to the podcast Charlemagne tells the story for her, What he describes is indeed rape! This is not the first time Charlemagne has talked about raping someone but because he is so high in power he hasn’t been held accountable. Power should not be what stops a victim from getting justice. Everyone deserves justice! We as a people need to do better and have to do better so that we can have better outcomes in the future!#BreakTheSilence

Breaking The Silence

Blinding Love

For so long I have been troubled by love. Love is so beautiful yet can also be so hard. I’ve seen from experience and watching others that love can be what brings two people together and also be what tears them apart. When you’re in love you often become blind to the things occurring around you my question is why?

My first time seeing this was just by me watching my mother. My mom is one of those people who fall hard very quickly. Once she’s in love with someone they can do no wrong. My mom has had some good and bad taste in men. My step father being one of the bad. After finding he had cheated on her, threatened to kill us and tried to have sex with me my mother took back her boyfriend at the time.  Eventually they became more than boyfriend and girlfriend as he asked her to marry him and she said yes. At the time she was blinded because she was being loved. Loved by someone she loved and wanted to grow with and because of that she was blind to everything he did. I believe she just didn’t want to accept the things he had done because that would mean losing being loved and her being alone. So there are people who become attached to the thought of someone loving them and block out anything else that doesn’t fit in their perfect bubble. No matter how real it may or may not be some people just want to be loved.

From experience I can say I have been blinded by what I felt was love. My reasoning being slightly different than my mothers though. I have loved only two people who I have dated and only been in love once. The first guy I fell in love with was my best friend and then he became my highschool sweetheart. I was so in love I was blinded by him doing wrong to me. We had physical altercations at one point and we made up and  continued on as if everything was fine. We would argue then he’d come back and apologize and I’d take him back. It had become a revolving circle with us. 4 years revolving and I stuck around. 4 years of happiness, then pain and the cycle would start over again. I loved him because he gave  me my first experience of love and I know no matter how bad of terms we are on I can go to him and he will listen. He’s always been around and been a good a friend no matter what.

The 2nd guy was different from my highschool sweet heart he was older and wiser but it seemed I was more serious than he was about our relationship being something serious. Unlike my highschool sweetheart he did play more mind games. He toyed with my emotions really. Him being someone not drawn by emotions he never really understood how I felt especially when he told me that we would be temporary.  We “dated” for somewhat of a year but it never really went anywhere because we were always on different pages. We both wanted it to work and loved one another but could never get on the same page at the same time. So, I settled for having him as a friend and taking things slowly which seemed to push him in the opposite direction. From there we really just became friends with benefits. Which I learned was a bad idea because he became the guy to unintentionally rape me when I said no to having sex with him. After all the mind games, back and forth and rape I still for some reason loved this person and wanted to be with this man. We had probably been through more in a year’s time than me and my high School sweet heart had in the 4 years we had been together. Crazy thing  is I  will probably always have love for him even with all that we have been through. Whether he feels the same or not, you just cant stop loving someone, because you want to especially when the love is real.

From my personal experience I have learned that I too was blinded by love. Not just because it was someone who was around to love me but because I’m connected to hurt. My life has been nothing but pain so hurt is all that I have gotten to know. It feels great to be loved by someone but when you go through so much together you become blinded by the history and the connection of pain between the two of you. So, my questions are how do you distinguish between real love and what you want to be love? How do you not become so in love with someone that you’re blinded by all the wrong that they do? Is it even possible?

Breaking The Silence

To vent or not to vent?

Being a sexual assault and now rape victim you can’t always find people who understand you. For the most part people just feel sorry for you or don’t care at all because they can’t understand or can’t relate. You come across a hand full of people who you can talk to and even then, if they havent experienced the things that you have they can only help you so much. So, the question is do you still talk and if so who do you talk to?

For me I have so many family members who have experienced sexual abuse just like me but no one wants to talk about it. Everyone wants to suppress the memories and let the pain build but I can’t do that. The only family member I have that will listen and give advice is my eldest brother. He has been very helpful in helping me through this journey and of all the people he’s the only one who said they would be here for me and hadn’t left. He’s never experienced sexual abuse but he helped to raise me so in a way he’s like a father figure and a big brother all in one. He tries his best to understand as much as he can. As far as other family memebers are concerned there’s really no one in the family who will listen or wants to talk about it. So if you don’t have family you can go to who do you talk to?

For me I’ve learned that good friends are hard to come by. So, when you do find a good friend you keep them around. I’ve had a few good friends in my life some I have lost and others stuck around. Those friends are friends I’ll keep forever. When I go to them with any problem they are around to listen. With me discussing my sexual abuse past and present they are good listeners. But, rage often takes over them and by the end of the discussion they’re ready to hurt someone and feeling sorry for me. I hate when people feel sorry for me.

Besides the three people I have to talk with there’s no one else who knows me. My brother and 2 close friends have been the only 2 people I’ve talked with daily about the things that trouble me the most; like my abuse. But what do you do when there’s no one around to understand and relate to you?

In a perfect world I’d have my mother by my side helping me through this experience since she can relate to it but that isn’t the case. I’ve learned by watching and trying to talk to her about how I feel about my past that she isn’t ready. She doesn’t want anything to do with it , I can’t even get her to read my blogs. Can’t lie that really hurts but, you can’t force someone to do something that they aren’t ready for. Of all the people to talk to I’d love for it to be her. I say that because she knows me and can relate and that’s the best combo to come by.

Being a victim we often think the best thing to do is to hold everything in but honestly that isn’t the best option. I wish I had known earlier that talking about it makes you feel so much better. That expressing your rage and emotions is like lifting a weight off your shoulders. The best choice is to talk, and not runaway  it’s helped me a lot. But when you don’t have friends or family where do you go?

There’s an option of counseling but honestly I prefer not to talk with someone who’s main outcome is to get a check. I have found writing to be a great comforter. I’ve also joined social groups where there are millions of people like me. That has been a rewarding experience. Talking with regular people who are also survivors of abuse is like finally finding a home. Finding somewhere that you fit in. Not only does everyone understand but some go through the same things as you. There are people who are around who understand you and don’t judge you or feel sorry for you. They are just people listening and giving advice because they can relate.

The answer to the question when you don’t have family or friends around to lend a listening ear you search and you find someone who will listen. There are people who will not just listen to you but they will understand you as well. I felt lost and unable to vent like I needed to the people i did have so I found people who knew just what to say and just how I felt. Sometimes the best help comes from a stranger.I’ll admit at first I wasn’t sure talking to strangers would help but it has. It’s been comforting knowing that someone finally gets me.

I’m no doctor nor counselor but I am a great listener. I’ve been able to comfort a few people because I’ve been able to relate to them and to really understand. To anyone who feels that they have nowhere to turn and no one to listen search harder there’s always someone even if they are a stranger.

P.s. I Don’t know if itll help anyone but my email is always open! suzieespeaks@gmail.com

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

No means No?

The Global Rape prevention organization stated, “We believe the key to ending the global rape epidemic is to empower both girls and boys to create a culture of mutual respect.” No Means No, was a mission set out to help decrease the high percentage of rape. Colleges used the slogan and most have changed it to be Yes means Yes. I’m on the fence about both of these to be honest, both to me won’t prevent all rapes from happening. Isn’t the point in a movement to make a change?Trying to decrease the high percentage of rapes is a good start but to me it isn’t enough, the goal should be to seize them all together. Ultimately No means No and Yes means Yes will not do it.

I may get people looking at me side ways for this but, Question How many times have you told someone No and they didn’t listen? How many times have you told your son, daughter little sister brother or anyone in general and they still did or took what you said after you said not to? No means No is a great campaign but No alone won’t stop everyone. Some people have gone their entire lives getting anything they have ever wanted from family, friends maybe even the public. My point is everyone won’t grasp the concept of No especially if it’s not what they are used to. Does that give them the right to rape No of course not but No alone will not work. If the word “No” worked there wouldn’t be a high percentage of rape because the word No alone would prevent the act from happening.

I say this because I know first hand that saying no doesn’t save you. In my childhood I have said no and the molestation still occurred. In my Adulthood I have also been a victim. I’ve only discussed this with 2 people a very close friend and the person who did it. Discussing it with him I don’t believe he really grasped the concept of what he did to me. November 30, 2017 a date I’ll never forget. A guy I had been dating took me out to eat, afterwards we went back to a spot that we often hung out at to be secluded from everyone else. We had sexual encounters here before but not always. This day I just wanted to eat and go home. I was tired and wasn’t feeling well and was just ready to leave. He overly insisted on me staying. We were talking having a regular conversation and he got aroused, I’m unsure if he had been drinking or not but he was very aggressive that day. He had become overly excited and aggressive. It had only been 4 days since we last had sex, 4!!! He began trying to pull at my leggings as I tried to leave. I was pushing him off of me, but that didn’t work. He pulled my leggings down, I’d pull them up. I said no, several times. He laughed. I was serious in these moments, it was all as if it were a game to him. It seemed to get him off even more because he got more aggressive. He took over, managed to get them down, at this point I said no with his name. He ignored. Tears filled up my eyes and I sucked it up, just kept thinking it won’t take long. He turned me so that I faced the desk, I stared at the wall. He penetrated me, His hand sitting firmly in the middle of my back. He talked during, which was a usual thing for him. But, this time was different. He was more aggressive and very forceful. Staring at the wall I got to thinking about my childhood. Yet again I had come to face what seemed to be the inevitable for me. Another man in my life, hurting me. After finishing I sat in the chair before cleaning myself up, he seemed kind of happy to have released himself though. But me, I was sad, confused and all I wanted to do was go.

After the incident I didn’t know what to do honestly so many thoughts filled my head. Who can I talk to? Where can I go? I went to a close friend’s house and didn’t’ say anything for a while I sat trying to pretend everything was okay. But, he could see on my face that something was bothering me. Apparently, my mouth does this twitchy thing when I’m troubled. So, I went to my notepad in my phone and wrote out what had happened, because I couldn’t say it. We sat there crying together his more fueled by rage and not being able to defend me. The only thing I kept repeating was ” I told him no, and he didn’t listen.” He asked if he knew what he actually did, my answer was I don’t know. I learned later that week that he knew something was off. In a conversation via text he said that during intercourse he could feel that I was tighter than usual and I wasn’t as aroused, he could feel the difference. He also said, he could see on my face that something was wrong and when I sat in the chair I sat down as if it were a chore that I had just completed, but he didn’t say anything. He waited for me to. come to him and even then I don’t think he grasped the seriousness of that incident. From that day on I have been distant with him and we don’t or haven’t really discussed what went on. The thing that bothered me the most after the incident is that I still loved this person who took advantage of me. I wanted to be able to instantly stop loving him, I wanted to hate him but I couldn’t. That night He took away my power, and most importantly he didn’t listen when I said no and No was reiterated more than once. I said no along with his name and that didn’t work. I fought with him to keep my clothes up and that didn’t work. That moment took me back to my childhood. I sunk that night, I waited for it to be over, waited to go home. That night I held back tears.I try not to let to those incidents linger in my mind but the truth is they will. Saying No, didn’t save me and I repeated it over and over. In 2016, the total number of rape cases stood at about 96,000. Of those 96,000 how many of them do you think said no? Think about it, if someone is trying to take something you say no. 96,000 people’s voice didn’t stop them from being victims. No, won’t save everyone from being taken advantage of, Saying No alone won’t prevent rapes, Saying No just won’t cut it.

Yes means Yes is basically a firm form of consent to sex. This is similar to No means No but is better to me to a certain extent. Yet, ultimately I still believe it isn’t effective enough. This is a great campaign in college as students are known to drink, and party. This gives you the option to say yes I want to have sex with you, which is fine. But my question is what happens if you change your mind? If you give full consent in the beginning but you change your mind half way through what happens? We have seen that the word No isn’t firm enough to make everyone less horny or less aggressive, so what do you do? There’s alcohol in play and you have already consented to sex, you then chang your mind and say no. Some people will stop. But, that guy or that girl who has alcohol in their system, They’ve been partying, they’re aroused and ready at your go ahead. So, you tell them no stop, but they’ve been drinking and become aggressive. What do you do? Everyone changes their mind about something at some point so what do you do when you already said yes and now you mean No?

Sex isn’t a complicated matter. I believe a No should be firm enough to mean No. But, As a society what do we do when it isn’t. I have told you my story. In 2016, just 2 years ago 96,000 people had 1 just like mine. We said no and no one listened. No means No was a great start but, it won’t end rape. Neither will Yes means Yes because we are consenting to have intercourse and even if we change our mind that doesn’t guarantee the person will stop. If you ask me, you’re consenting to your own rape. Maybe I am wrong. But, 1 thing I know for sure is that Words alone won’t stop rape. Words alone don’t stop a thief from stealing out of a store, so how can we expect a rapist; someone who is driven by sex mentally and physically to Stop when we say No?