Breaking The Silence

Letter to my Step Father

This was the message that I sent to my step father after he declined to meet with me to talk. I would have rather said everything in person but I wasn’t given the chance :

Drico,

Before I say what I needed to say I gotta know why are you so small?I hated seeing you like that. That’s not the Drico that I know. So what’s going on? I know you probably won’t tell me but I hope you do.. If not I understand.

I Wanted to start by saying that I really do hope you’re taking care of yourself. But for a while I’ve been wanting to talk to you I was hoping you would accept my offer to talk in person. But since you didn’t I’ll accept writing to you. Whether you respond or not doesn’t matter as long as I say what I need to say.

When you first came into our lives we accepted you and loved you. I’m glad that I was fortunate enough to have some good memories with you in the beginning. Things were great. Unfortunately towards the end of you being in our family majority of the memories were bad, things that I wish I could forget. And those are things I wanted to talk with you about now. With all the things you’ve done I still care about u.

First and foremost I do want to say thankyou for trying to talk to me when you all found out about my past. For that I’m grateful you got me to open up and talk about the things that had been done to me. You taught me a few things like how to cook things which I didn’t know before. So thankyou for those things.

But of all the things that you did teach me you also taught me not to trust people. In the beginning of 09 you were a great guy one we all loved and didn’t mind being around. But, it seemed when you moved in with us all of that changed…. You switched like someone had turned a switch and you became a completely different person. One that I really don’t like. In case you don’t remember ill explain.

When first moving to Arizona you threatened to leave my mother after a dish was left in the sink to soak by me. Blaming me for being the reason that you were leaving. In my opinion that’s was very cowardly of you. If you wanted out you didn’t have to use us kids as an excuse to leave. Secondly, You made me sleep on the floor when I had a perfectly good bed because of your own insecurities and no I don’t feel that was right in any way. Moving forward over the years you and I weren’t close. None of us were really close with you, and no one is to blame but you.
You called Jarrett names and mentally abused him on the daily, that I didn’t like nor did he. The things you say affect the people you say them to. Both you and my mom are wrong because you shouldn’t have said it and she should have spoken up for Jarrett. I hope you treat your new family better than you did us.

You used to make us take cold showers only turning the hot water on for yourself or my mom that’s wrong. I dislike that you made us do things we didn’t want in order to even get shoes for school. That was a game to you but wasnt cool. I know how they feel but I can’t speak for moe and Jarrett they’ll have to tell you themselves but for me you ruined what we’re supposed to be some of the best times in my life.

I disliked how I was forced to walk 2 miles back and forth to school each day rain included. It was pouring and I asked granddaddy for a ride one day he brought me home and because of that I got in trouble. With 2 vehicles at the house I couldn’t even get a ride when mama was going that way anyways. That was ignorant on both of y’all. I don’t like that you opened all of my mail before giving it to me. I don’t like that you stole money given to me by my dad it wasn’t yours to keep. I don’t like that you tried to have me help you sale weed in order for me to get money. I asked if I could get a job y’all didn’t want me to have 1 of them either. Unsure why you were so difficult but it wasn’t the right way.

I understand in you being an ex marine you have ptsd. But, You having it and knowing that you do you need to get help. We watched you flip out too many times. Watching as you tore the house apart breaking anything you could. Then you would turn into a child. Going around the house with blood just everywhere looking as if it’s a murder scene. We as children shouldn’t have had to witness any of that. You up yelling until 3 am screaming at the top of your lungs something we shouldnt have to see. You threatening to kill us saying you wish that we were all dead isn’t something we should have to go through. Especially from someone who claims to love us as his own children. You having a problem doesn’t excuse your behavior especially if you aren’t trying to get the help that you need.

With all that was going on in the home I needed an outlet and I found it by talking to other people. That guy I sent the nude pictures to I know I shouldn’t have but at the time that was my outlet my way of asking for help but you and mama as parents were supposed to be there but weren’t. You all were too wrapped in your selves. It was wrong on my end im not saying my behavior was ok because it wasn’t. But I was pushed to go outside to find another outlet. Although I was wrong for taking the pictures the way you handles things was wrong. I know you downloaded and printed the pictures saving them in that folder. That was inappropriate of you as someone who was supposed to be my step father.

Another issue I have with you as a step father you crossed so many lines. You asking to give me head and for me to lose my virginity to you was inappropriate and sick. You know you were wrong because you tried to hide the fact that you asked me that to my mom. You forcing me to watch porn was so wrong on many levels. You trying to make me pull down my pants and touching me was wrong as well. You don’t deserve to have the step father title. My mama was wrong for marrying you, especially with knowing all the things that you did. With you knowing my past knowing that I was molested as a child why would you ruin me even more. As a man in my life, you being my step father you’re supposed to protect me not prey on me! You’re sick for that. In my eyes That makes you just as sick as the men having sex with children! You were wrong and I hope you know it. I want you to know it. On april 30 I will be posting a vlog telling my story I will be saying your name and telling all that you did. You as well as the 3 other men who hurt me. I don’t care how you feel about it. You made the decisions that you did so you have to live with the consequences to your actions. You always said man’s worst fear is being found out, I guess we will see on monday. My one question to you is why?, why did you do it?

In your message you stated I didn’t invite you to my graduation which it seemed was your reasoning for not wanting to meet with me. The last I heard you didn’t want anything to do with us. You didn’t even want us to come to Mississippi to visit our own mother. So no I didn’t invite you to my graduation that’s not something you deserve. People who were there for me were at my graduation and going away party before I went to the military. You never checked on us or anything so how you feel you were right to be at my graduation is beyond me.

Then the next time I did hear from you was after I messaged your friend cameo telling her the truth. And you got mad and refered to me as a “Skinny Bitch”. Yeah I heard that part too, and that you all felt I shouldn’t have spoken about that but I did. Y’all are married but that marriage involves me and my siblings as well because whatever you put her through you put us through too. I told my mother before I did it too. And I did it because I feel if you are Okay With moving on with your life having a new family you should be able to sign some papers to be divorced. She spent her money you didn’t have to Pay anything all you had to do was sign The papers but ignorantly of course you didn’t. Don’t you feel you’ve put our family through enough? You have moved on my mother deserves to be able to do the same.

Overall my point in writing you was to clear my chest of the pain which you have caused. I don’t know what happened to you over the years but whatever it was I pray you never turn into that guy again. I pray that in reading this you reflect over yourself from past to present and are able to become a better person in the future. I wrote you because for so many years I resented you I hated you. But in doing that I know I only hurt myself more. You were once a good man one that I was proud to call my step father, proud you were dating my mother back in 2009. I only wish you could find that guy and be him. That bitterness and evil ness that grew about you isn’t right nor healthy. You hurt people when you become bitter and if you hurt everyone who’s around you who loves you then you will end up by yourself. Some things you did i may never forget i wish i could though. And hopefully 1 day i will. But my point in writing you is to tell you that even with all that you have done I forgive you. I’m forgiving you for myself because holding on to the pain was killing me. I’m a completely different woman from the little girl you knew with a different mindset and personality. I have so many dreams that have been put on the back burner because i was trying to rebuild myself from being hurt in the past. I wish this life on no one. But i have grown so much as a person and found myself and my calling in the process i also found my voice. So, im going to say how i feel no matter what anyone has to say about it; including you. Seeing you the other day was hard because it brought back so many memories. Also because you look so sick, I don’t know what’s going on with you but you need to get yourself together! I’m speaking as your step daughter not as your friend. I care what happens to you even with how our past is.

I hope in reading this I receive a response or you at least understand. Read with the intention of understanding not to reply. You’re a very intelligent man why you chose to sale yourself short I don’t know but I hope you hear me! I hope you understand. And I do forgive you Drico and I hope you take this as criticism and use it to work on yourself. You overall aren’t a bad person you just make bad decisions. My suggestion is you think before you act and think about the consequences to your actions and how it can affect not only you but those around you as well. Its 2018 and in moving forward I hope you learn to forgive yourself as well as let go of whatever it is that turn you into such a cruel human being. You are more than the troubles you face. Instead of holding it in you need to let it out if not you will do nothing but continue to hurt yourself. Now I have said my peace. Have a good day!

-Jade

After reading he replied two days later. He said to me…

“Dear Jade, I remember a very different story, however if you choose to do you then do it. I have no problems with you. Somebody really lied to you because I chose not to pursue. But, it’s okay I am a Christian, which means I am not perfect, So moving forward start whatever trouble you feel like you need to start. But always remember when you plotting revenge does 2.”

It was Short which in all honesty I didn’t expect to hear back from him at all and if I did I expected it to be bad. If you know drico then you know his mouth will cut you deeper than any physical wound could ever do. But, I didn’t get that this time and that both shocks & scares me. I don’t know where things will go from here, I just pray that they get better and not worse.

Breaking The Silence

The encounter that took me to the past

As I was paying for my lunch today I heard someone call my name as I turned to see who it was I froze. Although I haven’t seen or heard from him since 2013 The voice was too familiar. I knew that voice but the persons image puzzled me. It was my step father, the man who tried having sex with me in 2011. He smiled said hey daughter I love you as he reached to hug me. I hugged him back because in that moment I felt that’s what I had to do what I needed to do based off his looks alone. Standing Looking at him he looked as if he was on his death-bed, weighing a mere maybe 90-100 pounds. When growing up I always knew him as this big stocky guy always weighing at least over 200 pounds. Now he’s smaller than me and that really took a tole on me. After he said goodbye to me I just sat in the car crying because I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. For so long I hated him and used to wish that I could tell him off for hurting me. But in seeing him today I only felt sorry for him and wanted to know what it was that was killing him (cancer, drugs? aids?). I want him to be held accountable for the things he’s done but I still don’t want to see him going out the way that he is and looking the way that he looks now. I’m unsure how I am supposed to feel about any of this, I want to be enraged but my caring heart won’t let me. And overtime I have learned that is my weakness I still care for people even after they have hurt me.

After the encounter I went to my mother’s house and cried in her arms because I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand why I still cared about this man, the man who tried forcing himself on me, The man who threatened to kill me and my mother and brother, The man who when I last spoke to him refereed to me as a “Skinny Bitch”. When in my mother’s arms she just held me until I gained my composure she said to me that I had to forgive him or it would consume me. As much as I’d like to disagree part of me knows she is right. So, I messaged Aldrick on Facebook and requested to set up a time and place to meet with him so that we could talk.

His response to my request was stand offish. He basically came up with every excuse in the book as to why he couldn’t have this talk with me. They varied from him working third shift all the way up to I didn’t invite him to my graduation. That part was funny to me and that was the Aldrick I knew the smart ass Aldrick always trying to get back at you, not the guy I ran into at the gas station.  I say the statement  ” You did not even invite me to your graduation, so that pretty much tells me everything”, was funny because I graduated in 2014. It is now going on 4 years that I have been out of school why bring it up now? Secondly, the last I saw him was in 2012 so why would I invite him to my graduation? He believes he’s entitled to things because he has the title of step father but he is no step father nor father figure and never has been.

This encounter with his brought back so many emotions for me. I was sad because I always wished things would have went differently. I was angry because he’s caused me so much pain. I also felt sorry for him. I still don’t know  what it is that’s wrong with him but I still care enough that I don’t want him looking that way. During the visit it was like he was his old self the one that we all loved. He laughed, and even introduced himself to my boyfriend and before leaving he even brought up an old story. Of course it’s one we both remember very differently but it was the fact that he remembered, the day he tried to teach me to drive. He still sounded like himself and still had that loud contagious laugh. The visit with him was one I dreaded for so long but I am glad that it happened because it went very smoothly.

Even with all that went on I wish I could still sit down with him and have a genuine talk. But after messaging back and forth I know it won’t happen in person. He stated that he would listen if I had things to say but that was it.  I gave him a time frame in which I hoped he would get back to me and let me know if he would be meeting with me or not he hasn’t gotten back to me. So, I will be sending him a message in detail of all the things I wanted to say in person with him.  I’ve been thinking maybe this way would be better anyways because seeing his image may yet again send me into a crying frenzy.

When I heard his voice call my name I froze and seeing his image  it was as if my mind went into over drive.  It wasn’t the fact of seeing my abuser it was the fact that he looked so ill.  Seeing him is something I had wanted for so long,  Being held accountable was something I had wished upon him for so long but in seeing him I wished I could take it all back. I wouldn’t wish bad on anyone not even my abuser’s because that’s just how I am as a person. My heart won’t let me hate anyone no matter how bad I wish I could and there have been so many that I wish I could gain a strong dislike for. It seems the people who hurt the most are those who care the most.In seeing my step father I just wanted to help him.I’m unsure if any other survivor has been in this same situation but I’ll tell you first hand it’s so confusing. Trying to be angry with someone but you can’t.

I have stated once before that I am attached to hurt because it’s all I have ever known. I guess I’m attached to my step father as well because he hurt me A lot! Although I used to  wish hate upon him I can’t anymore. At a certain point I stopped being enraged with the men who hurt so that I could rebuild myself. I wish that in some cases I could go back in time and fix their mistakes which in turn would fix me. But, life works in mysterious ways , always teaching us something in every obstacle we face. In this case I guess my lesson would be to finally let go. To let go of the hurt, the pain, the anger the sorrow, tell him how I feel so that I can finally forgive him and move on with my life and gain emotional stability in the process.  And that’s all I could hope for.

 

 

Breaking The Silence, Letters From A Pedophile

Letters from a pedophile Pt. 4

After the last letter that Tevrous sent I read his letter and his lies and wrote him back naming every name of every person that I and many others know he assaulted.  He can deny having done them to those people but pain doesn’t lie. This letter was his response to me. Attached with the letter he sent a card he made and drew as an apology to me.

 

Jade,

Look I know I fucked up but it’s not 4 people me and (His step sister) never did a thing we just acted like we did.  Who is this other person you are talking about because I don’t know anyone by that name? The girl I’m locked up for lied about how old she was and I never knew her real age and she knew I was 21 and had a baby by me. So, that’s why I’m locked up. She sent a letter to the judge saying she was sorry for lying on me but I’m still locked up because she was young but I didn’t hurt her. I never lied to you all I wanted was to make my past go away. I’m mot saying because it happened to me  and I did it to people that it makes it right. No. I used to think fuck the world and  I would make them feel my pain but one day I opened my eyes and said fight back.  I was never trying to hurt no one.  I beat him up because he was a white supremacist . Him and his white friends were going around saying ” fuck black people and fuck y’all nigger bitch”. So, yes I feel good for beating him up. So, I will keep it 100 with you the first time you wrote me I knew what it was about just wish I could go back in time to fix it. But at the end of the day i have to live with what I did so just let me show you I’m sorry for hurting you. Tell me how I can make it better for you so you can know I’m sorry for real. Just tell me if I can have you back in  my life.  Please know that I am truly sorry. My words and actions are to follow what is in my heart.

-Tevrous Bomer

My response/ Reaction:

This letter like the others he asks about having me back in his life, which no matter how many times I see it i will never be okay with that.  As I stated once before he’s writing to me as if I were his lover not his cousin or the person he sexually abused. I personally don’t believe he feels sorry for the things he did. This letter I haven’t responded to yet part of me just wants to be done with the letters now because they are getting me nowhere. I know of 5 females he assaulted all at a very young age and he can’t or won’t even admit to it. The first sentence sounds like b.s.  You don’t “act like” you’re doing something like having sex  especially not as a child. I witnessed actions taking place and on top of that I was told by another victim at the time of the abuse that it was happening to them too.  I initially set out to only write 5 letters and after receiving 5 letters if I had not gotten the outcome I wanted then I would end the communication and cut all ties. If I do respond to this letter it would be short and straight to the point. I may just list every name over and over again as well as the relation to him and be done. Or I may just write how what he did to me affected my life and still affects my life 22 years later. I want to tell him these things but, I don’t want the way I feel to only be turned and twisted into a sick love game for him. At this point I haven’t decided how I will be responding, guess I’ll just give it some time for me to think it over.

Breaking The Silence

Suziee Speaks!

Suziee Speaks to me is deeper than just being words, deeper than just a phrase, and deeper than just being a title. I thought long and hard about what I wanted my blogging name to be and what I wanted people to know me as. After thinking long and hard one day I fell asleep and when I woke its was as if I had all the answers. Suziee Speaks stuck out to me and was the only name I couldn’t get out of my mind.

Suziee isn’t my government name, it’s a nickname given to me by one of my cousins when we were close. My real name being Jade, growing up I always hated that my name was so short. For some reason I still always had to correct people on its pronunciation. “Jada, Jewel, or Joy” were a few of the wrong names I’d been called over the years. For a summer I went to Tennessee and while there my cousins gave me the nickname suziee and from then on out that’s what I have been to everyone, Suziee!

Suziee to me is like an alter ego. It gives me a chance to be Someone different. If you’ve ever met me then you know I’m  quiet and reserved and stick to myself or the people I know. Suziee, I like to think of as the more open side of me though. Less reserved and more fun.

Speaks at the end of Suziee speaks is just as important to me. I specifically chose both words. I chose speaks because I am opening up and telling my story. I am talking. I am doing something I haven’t done before and that’s opening up to people I don’t even know. I don’t talk to everyone so people don’t know me nor understand me, I figured it’s time I changed that.

With me being so reserved and quiet I decided that me opening up I needed a name that represented that. Suziee Speaks is actually an ironic name to me. It’s the opposite of what everyone is used to getting from me. People who know me are used to me shying away from the spotlight and not saying much. Most people who know me will say I am quiet, which is true unless I’m comfortable around you.

All in All Suziee Speaks represents me using my voice. It represents me breaking out of my shell and letting loose. Suziee Speaks is me using my “alter ego”, my fun more open side and turning it into something positive.The name itself is encouraging, because for so long I was in a shell afraid to just be me. In this process I have found myself, and my voice and I’m ready to use it!!!

What’s your alter ego go to name?

Breaking The Silence

To vent or not to vent?

Being a sexual assault and now rape victim you can’t always find people who understand you. For the most part people just feel sorry for you or don’t care at all because they can’t understand or can’t relate. You come across a hand full of people who you can talk to and even then, if they havent experienced the things that you have they can only help you so much. So, the question is do you still talk and if so who do you talk to?

For me I have so many family members who have experienced sexual abuse just like me but no one wants to talk about it. Everyone wants to suppress the memories and let the pain build but I can’t do that. The only family member I have that will listen and give advice is my eldest brother. He has been very helpful in helping me through this journey and of all the people he’s the only one who said they would be here for me and hadn’t left. He’s never experienced sexual abuse but he helped to raise me so in a way he’s like a father figure and a big brother all in one. He tries his best to understand as much as he can. As far as other family memebers are concerned there’s really no one in the family who will listen or wants to talk about it. So if you don’t have family you can go to who do you talk to?

For me I’ve learned that good friends are hard to come by. So, when you do find a good friend you keep them around. I’ve had a few good friends in my life some I have lost and others stuck around. Those friends are friends I’ll keep forever. When I go to them with any problem they are around to listen. With me discussing my sexual abuse past and present they are good listeners. But, rage often takes over them and by the end of the discussion they’re ready to hurt someone and feeling sorry for me. I hate when people feel sorry for me.

Besides the three people I have to talk with there’s no one else who knows me. My brother and 2 close friends have been the only 2 people I’ve talked with daily about the things that trouble me the most; like my abuse. But what do you do when there’s no one around to understand and relate to you?

In a perfect world I’d have my mother by my side helping me through this experience since she can relate to it but that isn’t the case. I’ve learned by watching and trying to talk to her about how I feel about my past that she isn’t ready. She doesn’t want anything to do with it , I can’t even get her to read my blogs. Can’t lie that really hurts but, you can’t force someone to do something that they aren’t ready for. Of all the people to talk to I’d love for it to be her. I say that because she knows me and can relate and that’s the best combo to come by.

Being a victim we often think the best thing to do is to hold everything in but honestly that isn’t the best option. I wish I had known earlier that talking about it makes you feel so much better. That expressing your rage and emotions is like lifting a weight off your shoulders. The best choice is to talk, and not runaway  it’s helped me a lot. But when you don’t have friends or family where do you go?

There’s an option of counseling but honestly I prefer not to talk with someone who’s main outcome is to get a check. I have found writing to be a great comforter. I’ve also joined social groups where there are millions of people like me. That has been a rewarding experience. Talking with regular people who are also survivors of abuse is like finally finding a home. Finding somewhere that you fit in. Not only does everyone understand but some go through the same things as you. There are people who are around who understand you and don’t judge you or feel sorry for you. They are just people listening and giving advice because they can relate.

The answer to the question when you don’t have family or friends around to lend a listening ear you search and you find someone who will listen. There are people who will not just listen to you but they will understand you as well. I felt lost and unable to vent like I needed to the people i did have so I found people who knew just what to say and just how I felt. Sometimes the best help comes from a stranger.I’ll admit at first I wasn’t sure talking to strangers would help but it has. It’s been comforting knowing that someone finally gets me.

I’m no doctor nor counselor but I am a great listener. I’ve been able to comfort a few people because I’ve been able to relate to them and to really understand. To anyone who feels that they have nowhere to turn and no one to listen search harder there’s always someone even if they are a stranger.

P.s. I Don’t know if itll help anyone but my email is always open! suzieespeaks@gmail.com

Wake up

Misjudged

“Those who judge will never understand and those who understand will never judge” We live in a world where you are judged for being yourself and praised for trying to be like everyone else. We live in a world where people feel they know you based off of what the next person told them about you. Whether you know it to be true or false won’t matter. As stated in the bible “the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” Everyone starts rumors without thinking and speaks without knowing. Before you know it who you really are will no longer be how you are perceived to the world, they’ll see you as the person that everyone else portrayed you out to be.

I’m sure everyone has had moments in their life where they were misjudged by someone who really knew nothing about them. Well, I have been misjudged my entire life, and a few of those moments stick with me the most. When people don’t know everything about you, they make up stories to fill in the blanks. I guess that part is my fault though? I keep to myself to avoid drama and becoming attached to the wrong people. I’ve changed how I went about dealing with people and opened up, just becoming an open book as well. But, both of these things were still met with rumors, and judgment. I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t win. No matter how far you’ve come and what you accomplish or who you are there will always be someone who won’t like you for you. Because of that stories are made up, rumors are spread and before you know it you aren’t who you’re supposed to be.

Growing up I have been victim to being misjudged by those who never even took the time out to get to know me. I have always been a quiet person and kept my life and personal   business to myself but that isn’t normal in society. People believe they have the right to know everything about you and when they don’t, they create stories to fill in the unknown.

Living in Arizona most of my life put me in a total culture shock when I moved back to Tennessee. I had been to 2 high schools prior to going to this one. When I arrived I for the most part kept to myself I spoke to people but overall I kept to myself because that’s always been me. Being used to moving around a lot you try not to get attached to people, so I didn’t. Everyone knew I was the new girl and not from around here but no one knew me, and honestly they still don’t. But, because they didn’t know me people decided they wouldn’t like me. To this day it’s people I have never spoken to a day in my life that just do  not like me because of something someone else told them.

Each day I kept to myself unless given a reason to do other wise. Rumors had been spread. I had a guy come up to me one day and ask about my three kids that someone stated I had. My senior year in high school I had a boyfriend and still for the most part kept to myself and out-of-the-way. Even with me trying to distance myself from being judged no matter what it still seemed to follow and people sill talked. I Had someone start a rumor that I didn’t like a girl that I actually  considered as a friend. They also stated that I was  basically saying bad things about this girl, someone who I had never had an issue with and because word of mouth and opinions matter more to people than facts she believed them and had begun to dislike me because of it. The only reason I knew any of this was even happening is because someone came up to me and asked me why I was saying all these things and by the time I had tried correcting it, the damage had been done.   I’d say the most irritating  part about things was that I still don’t even know who started those rumors and no one ever bothered to even see if I was true. Popular opinion, it wins every time!

Another time I was misjudged by rumors  is one that will probably stick with me for a while because of all the things people can make up this was one they should have kept. A rumor that I had been sleeping around with someone I considered as family had been started after I had broken up with a boyfriend for cheating on me. The rumor came from someone in his family and a new friend of his.  I’d say of all the things that have been said about me in my life that is the most hurtful. It’s hurtful because as a survivor of abuse I have to be connected with people on an emotional level to even become intimate and older men is something I always steer away from because they remind me of my past. Of course they didn’t know that but that doesn’t excuse the rumor. Another reason that hurt me was because I have been around these people for 5 years and have never even looked at anyone the way I did my boyfriend at the time, especially not family.  I’m the type of person  that if we are dating any and everyone who comes on to me I will tell you about as well. This was another rumor that no only affected me, my life and relationships with people but also affected the lives of other people around me.

I have learned a lot in my 22 years of life, lessons that most people may never learn.  I have learned that no matter how much people claim to like you they will still judge you. I have learned that rumors are usually started by bitter people who are unhappy with their own lives, and want you to feel the same. When it comes to rumors I know the truth, if people care about you like they say then they’ll always come to you for clarity. I have learned that rumors tell you a lot about people and who you can and can’t trust. Rumors are just words, they can’t hurt you they can only make you stronger because other people’s opinion doesn’t determine who you are as a person, as long as you remain true to yourself.

We live in a world where everyone feels its their right to know everything about your life. Family, Friends, Peers, neighbors and society ; Everyone wanting to see who you are and what you are about. No one wants the next person to be better than them so they dilute the image you’ve made for yourself. That isn’t right. You shouldn’t have to work hard to establish yourself just to have that tarnished by someone who probably doesn’t even know you. I wrote  This is for those people who like me have been misjudged and had rumors spread about them throughout their life. Who you are as a person matters and you should not let what other people think change that. Maybe one day they’ll understand that the words they speak and the rumors they start affects everyone around them. Just Stay true to yourself!

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

No means No?

The Global Rape prevention organization stated, “We believe the key to ending the global rape epidemic is to empower both girls and boys to create a culture of mutual respect.” No Means No, was a mission set out to help decrease the high percentage of rape. Colleges used the slogan and most have changed it to be Yes means Yes. I’m on the fence about both of these to be honest, both to me won’t prevent all rapes from happening. Isn’t the point in a movement to make a change?Trying to decrease the high percentage of rapes is a good start but to me it isn’t enough, the goal should be to seize them all together. Ultimately No means No and Yes means Yes will not do it.

I may get people looking at me side ways for this but, Question How many times have you told someone No and they didn’t listen? How many times have you told your son, daughter little sister brother or anyone in general and they still did or took what you said after you said not to? No means No is a great campaign but No alone won’t stop everyone. Some people have gone their entire lives getting anything they have ever wanted from family, friends maybe even the public. My point is everyone won’t grasp the concept of No especially if it’s not what they are used to. Does that give them the right to rape No of course not but No alone will not work. If the word “No” worked there wouldn’t be a high percentage of rape because the word No alone would prevent the act from happening.

I say this because I know first hand that saying no doesn’t save you. In my childhood I have said no and the molestation still occurred. In my Adulthood I have also been a victim. I’ve only discussed this with 2 people a very close friend and the person who did it. Discussing it with him I don’t believe he really grasped the concept of what he did to me. November 30, 2017 a date I’ll never forget. A guy I had been dating took me out to eat, afterwards we went back to a spot that we often hung out at to be secluded from everyone else. We had sexual encounters here before but not always. This day I just wanted to eat and go home. I was tired and wasn’t feeling well and was just ready to leave. He overly insisted on me staying. We were talking having a regular conversation and he got aroused, I’m unsure if he had been drinking or not but he was very aggressive that day. He had become overly excited and aggressive. It had only been 4 days since we last had sex, 4!!! He began trying to pull at my leggings as I tried to leave. I was pushing him off of me, but that didn’t work. He pulled my leggings down, I’d pull them up. I said no, several times. He laughed. I was serious in these moments, it was all as if it were a game to him. It seemed to get him off even more because he got more aggressive. He took over, managed to get them down, at this point I said no with his name. He ignored. Tears filled up my eyes and I sucked it up, just kept thinking it won’t take long. He turned me so that I faced the desk, I stared at the wall. He penetrated me, His hand sitting firmly in the middle of my back. He talked during, which was a usual thing for him. But, this time was different. He was more aggressive and very forceful. Staring at the wall I got to thinking about my childhood. Yet again I had come to face what seemed to be the inevitable for me. Another man in my life, hurting me. After finishing I sat in the chair before cleaning myself up, he seemed kind of happy to have released himself though. But me, I was sad, confused and all I wanted to do was go.

After the incident I didn’t know what to do honestly so many thoughts filled my head. Who can I talk to? Where can I go? I went to a close friend’s house and didn’t’ say anything for a while I sat trying to pretend everything was okay. But, he could see on my face that something was bothering me. Apparently, my mouth does this twitchy thing when I’m troubled. So, I went to my notepad in my phone and wrote out what had happened, because I couldn’t say it. We sat there crying together his more fueled by rage and not being able to defend me. The only thing I kept repeating was ” I told him no, and he didn’t listen.” He asked if he knew what he actually did, my answer was I don’t know. I learned later that week that he knew something was off. In a conversation via text he said that during intercourse he could feel that I was tighter than usual and I wasn’t as aroused, he could feel the difference. He also said, he could see on my face that something was wrong and when I sat in the chair I sat down as if it were a chore that I had just completed, but he didn’t say anything. He waited for me to. come to him and even then I don’t think he grasped the seriousness of that incident. From that day on I have been distant with him and we don’t or haven’t really discussed what went on. The thing that bothered me the most after the incident is that I still loved this person who took advantage of me. I wanted to be able to instantly stop loving him, I wanted to hate him but I couldn’t. That night He took away my power, and most importantly he didn’t listen when I said no and No was reiterated more than once. I said no along with his name and that didn’t work. I fought with him to keep my clothes up and that didn’t work. That moment took me back to my childhood. I sunk that night, I waited for it to be over, waited to go home. That night I held back tears.I try not to let to those incidents linger in my mind but the truth is they will. Saying No, didn’t save me and I repeated it over and over. In 2016, the total number of rape cases stood at about 96,000. Of those 96,000 how many of them do you think said no? Think about it, if someone is trying to take something you say no. 96,000 people’s voice didn’t stop them from being victims. No, won’t save everyone from being taken advantage of, Saying No alone won’t prevent rapes, Saying No just won’t cut it.

Yes means Yes is basically a firm form of consent to sex. This is similar to No means No but is better to me to a certain extent. Yet, ultimately I still believe it isn’t effective enough. This is a great campaign in college as students are known to drink, and party. This gives you the option to say yes I want to have sex with you, which is fine. But my question is what happens if you change your mind? If you give full consent in the beginning but you change your mind half way through what happens? We have seen that the word No isn’t firm enough to make everyone less horny or less aggressive, so what do you do? There’s alcohol in play and you have already consented to sex, you then chang your mind and say no. Some people will stop. But, that guy or that girl who has alcohol in their system, They’ve been partying, they’re aroused and ready at your go ahead. So, you tell them no stop, but they’ve been drinking and become aggressive. What do you do? Everyone changes their mind about something at some point so what do you do when you already said yes and now you mean No?

Sex isn’t a complicated matter. I believe a No should be firm enough to mean No. But, As a society what do we do when it isn’t. I have told you my story. In 2016, just 2 years ago 96,000 people had 1 just like mine. We said no and no one listened. No means No was a great start but, it won’t end rape. Neither will Yes means Yes because we are consenting to have intercourse and even if we change our mind that doesn’t guarantee the person will stop. If you ask me, you’re consenting to your own rape. Maybe I am wrong. But, 1 thing I know for sure is that Words alone won’t stop rape. Words alone don’t stop a thief from stealing out of a store, so how can we expect a rapist; someone who is driven by sex mentally and physically to Stop when we say No?

Breaking The Silence, Wake up

Letters from a Pedophile Pt. 3

In my previous letter to Tevrous I ended it asking him 6 questions, he answered them in this 3rd letter to me.

Jade,
Look I know I fucked up but didn’t take advantage of it I was doing what people did to me. I was too young and dumb to catch on to them . So, I know how you feel right now. See people think only women can get hurt but men can too. My little brother big cousin Eric used to rape me in the 90’s. I was so fucked up My mind was not right. I tried to get over it I was like 10 or 11 in 99 I moved back to Tennessee. So one day me Kevin and his big cousin Howard T was out having fun it was getting late so we dropped Kevin off at home. Howard t. Was like we can go to his house to get weed and I was like OK. So we go in and I can never forget it. He asked me if I needed a drink but after I downed it I passed out what he put in it I don’t know. So don’t think you are alone. I never got help because I was afraid of what people would think of me.so I took it out on you. I’m sorry for real jade. I was reading this book called longing to tell by Tricia rose read it if u think I’m lying I feel like shit if you like i can send u my book. I don’t live the street life no more I’m tired of shooting people and beating people up. That was my life because this all I believe in. I’m in the nation of Islam now I’m trying To do good in my life. If we never talk when i get home i will never let no body hurt u. I just want us to be cool. How did u get my name and number? The only reason i ask for your number is because i hate writing and I fucked my hand up beating this guy face in. But for you i will write.

1. Why did you do it? : Because I was fucked up in the head i was thinking it was right because it happened to me so i did.
2. How many people have you hurt?: If u don’t believe me only 2 people
3) Do you think you were wrong? : Yes I do look back at it yes i wish i can redo my life and make things right.
4) What have you learned from this? : To think first before i act out because lots of people can be hurt by what i do.
5) Do you think you’ll do it again? :Hell no because I know right from wrong.
6) What are your plans when you get out of prison? : To be a better son, father, brother, husband, and help my pops get this business off and ran the right way. I put all that gang bang shit behind me now.

1. How can I show you I’m a different person now?
2. I wish you would come see me so you can see the hurt in my eyes

Tevrous Bomer

My Reaction:

Reading this letter I kind of laughed to myself because this letter was very hypocritical to me. I didn’t need time to sit and think before responding to this letter at all. In his letter like most he throws out his alliance to Islam and Allah and that he wants to change. But, he then goes on to say he beat a guys face in. How does that make you changed or better in any way? He answered 6 questions that I previously asked him. Of those only 1 of them was most important to me. Question #2 How many people have you hurt? His answer was 2. I asked him questions to see if I would get the correct answer, I sent off the letter giving him the benefit of doubt and hoping that he would. Sadly, he did not. Maybe he “forgot”. I like most people know of 4 people including myself which were victimized by him. And I made sure to let him know that I knew that in my response to him.

I know that both men and women are subject to abuse. Most men don’t speak on their encounter because of fear of how people will judge them. Do I believe he was abused? Honestly, I am not sure. It wouldn’t surprise me at all but that doesn’t give him the right to continue the cycle. I hope that story wasn’t a lie too. If he was abused that helps me better understand why he did the things he did, still doesn’t make them right,

The other 5 questions I asked were merely to see where he stood on his actions and how he planned to change them. In question 5 I asked if he believed he would do it again. His answer was Hell No because he knows right from wrong. That too I believe was a lie. I say that because in previous letters he has gone to show over expression of love for me even admitting to being in love with 5-year-old me. He knows right from wrong but doesn’t know that it isn’t okay to be in love with your cousin, or to love me the way that he does. Truth is, I believe he will get parole and he will eventually hurt someone else. I think he may try to find me, because his attachment is sickening.

In question 6 I asked him what his plans were after being released from prison. His response was ;to be a better son, father, brother, husband, and help my pops get this business off and ran the right way. I put all that gang bang shit behind me now. Do I believe this?, yes and no. He may come out level-headed with the mind-set of I’m going to this and that but get out and things be totally different. If you take someone out of the environment that they are used to living in then they change and they adapt to the new environment. If he gets out and goes back to live with his father like he is planning then he won’t succeed. I know this because that is where he began abusing people and that is where they looked the other way with this behavior. They still think so highly of him, even still have his pictures up around the home. To them he didn’t deserve time for what he did. To them Tevrous should be home and no one should have anything to say about it. That way is wong and to that I disagree. I think if he does get parole he shouldn’t come back to Tennessee, he should stay in Michigan and seclude himself. Will it happen?, I don’t think so He is a pedophile and pedophilia has no cure.

In conclusion, this letter of the 3 thus far brought the least amount of emotions out of me. This letter didn’t make me cry. This letter didn’t make me sad. This letter honestly didn’t even make me angry. It just made me be like, Okay. I had merely no emotion after this letter, I read it and immediately knew what I needed and wanted to say back to him. I believe I sparked a little anger when he read my letter to him because he responded different from he did in the first 2 letters. He got  defensive asking how I got any of his information? I know I poked a few buttons by asking questions too….Moving forward I am hoping to gain more answers from him though.

To answer his 2 questions :

1. How can I show you I’m a different person now? :

My Response: He shouldn’t want to change for someone else he should want to do it for himself that is what matters. And He can’t claim he is changing and better and for Allah and still be doing things like beating people up or being okay with telling me he is in love with me or my 5-year-old self.
2. I wish you would come see me so you can see the hurt in my eyes

My response: I won’t be visiting him. After the second letter all thoughts of visiting flew out the window. His letters seem like he was reminiscing or fantasizing. At this point I don’t want him knowing what I look like right now. If he never gets out of prison, meaning his parole is shot down and his sentence is extended to exceed his life expectancy then I will visit him. If I ever visit him I definitely won’t go alone. I will take My eldest brother, whom is a sergeant in the military. He has been so supportive in this journey for me. He has already stated if I go he will go with me. So, the offer is always open. But, for right now we won’t be seeing face to face. ” To see The hurt in my eyes” That there I must say did make me laugh. I laughed because I don’t think he understands hurt. If we traded places my hurt would definitely exceed his. He doesn’t hurt because he is still reminiscing on the sick things he did and his affection for me is still sickening. I say my hurt  is greater because what he did to me as a child has affected me my entire life I am 22 years old, 22 and still don’t sleep when I am alone at night because I fear someone is coming in the middle of the night to hurt me. I am 22 and I have had depression since I was a kid because I beat myself up everyday wondering why my cousin chose to abuse me. That’s just to name a few.

The 3rd letter was simple and to the point, I’m curious to know if I steered up any more emotions from him in my last letter to him. I am sure I will find out soon, he is very quick to respond. Guess we will see how things unfold in letter number 4.

Breaking The Silence, Letters From A Pedophile, Wake up

Letter from A pedophile pt. 2

Jade,
Was up girl how are you doing why have you not wrote me a letter back. I hope we can be family again never be afraid to ask me anything. I’m here for you.just send me your number so I can call you, you have been on my mind now so tell me the real how are you for real. Tell me you’re a strong black woman. How is our relationship going to be. Now i intend to be the best so can i have a chance at making you happy for once in life. I have a lot of things to tell u. I was so in love with you girl was i wrong for loving you so much? Please hit me back. I know its things on your mind. Just like it’s on my mind. I want to start my day knowing we are ok and getting our goals out the way. But i understand if you hate me, i don’t want you to hate me if you do. When i come home i need you by my side because at the end of the day we are family and i need your support too, not money i have that but love i promise to never hurt you again but i feel sorry for the nigga who try to. How old are you now? and can you send me your birthday so i can keep up with it. My only concern is getting right with Allah and you so teach me the way. And don’t be stubborn. I always loved you and i cant lose you my heart is yours jade. love you

Love always tevrous bomer
Write me back

This letter was the second letter I received from him and I had not even replied to the first letter. Looking in the mail I honestly didn’t want to read it but curiosity got the best of me. I thought, I didn’t reply to him so what is he writing me about. Not even a month after the first letter he had sent this one. He didn’t send it himself though another inmate sent it off for him. I know because the name and number on the outside of the envelope weren’t his own. I opened the letter and read the first few sentences and a rage grew over me. How dare him, I thought. He doesn’t even know me or anything about me.I began to go over in my head the things I wanted to say to him. I am a very strong Black Woman but, him saying it irritated every nerve that I have. To me it was something he shouldn’t say because he hurt me. Reading the first letter I was like okay this may not be so bad, but this letter made me want to give up. He said that he was in love with me. Me?, A 5-year-old child at the time. We are 9 years apart, how? I tried to comprehend the way he thought. Tried to understand but I can’t.

This letter was the eye opener for me. This letter helped me realize that I wanted to study Psychology and become a victim advocate. I say this was the determining factor for me to choose psychology over social work because this letter was written by someone who thinks of me as someone I am not. He wrote to me as if we are in love. Not as if he had hurt me. That made me feel sorry for him because I realized he would never understand how wrong that is. The way that he thinks isn’t normal, it’s far from it. It’s a sad reality.

Everyone that I let read this letter was angry or sad. My older brother just kept apologizing to me as if it were his fault. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, that doesn’t change a thing. I want people to realize how they feel when they read the letters doesn’t compare to the emotions it causes me. I want people to understand how serious this is. I want people to read these letters or hear my story and want to make a difference. Don’t just say you’re sorry try to save someone else from being abused, change their lives. I have been through this, don’t let anyone else.

My response to this letter was bunt and straight forward. I told him we aren’t friends, we aren’t family and I don’t want to be. I believe he got the message because his third letter was different from this one. I hope he got the message. This letter wasn’t cool at all, it crossed boundaries. It bothered me a lot. The thing that bothered me the most was that he doesn’t even realize how this letter impacted me and probably never will. I wish he could… because certain parts of this letter will forever stick with me. It’ll stick with me as a reminder that I need to go harder than ever and also that I don’t need to give up. This letter was really an eye opener and truth is I still don’t completely know how I should feel about it. As stated before no one can prepare you for talking to your abuser. Unless you are a victim then I believe no one can completely grasp how it feels. I want people to be able to understand but not at the cost of losing a piece of who they are. This is my letter from a pedophile, my first pedophile, my cousin, my family. Within 2 letters I was able to see him for who he was and how he thought. So, my question is why can’t society see a pedophile for what they truly are and treat them as such? I believe in second chances but not when someone else’s life is unwillingly affected by your actions. There are consequences to actions and I believe My abuser and the many other’s that are out there should not be free. Tevrous has been in prison since 2009 and yet in writing a letter to me he’s still comfortable enough to express how he was in love with 5-year-old me. If you ask me ,they don’t change…… They only get better at not getting caught.